NEW JOKES!
-
The 3 Chinese Tortures
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a
long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the
night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you
so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three
worst
Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the
daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful
and
had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as
she
couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old
man's
warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he
could
bear it no longer and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He
was
careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near
dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
When he woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture
#1:
Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man
can do then I don't have much to worry about.." He picked the boulder
up,
walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he
noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to
left
testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close
to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he
jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the
ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: "Chinese Torture 3:
Right testicle tied to bed post." -
Shot the Dog
One day, during a holdup at a bank, a young woman pregnant with
triplets was
shot 3 times by the bandit. She was taken to a hospital, found to be in
good
condition, and since there was no threat to her life or to the fetuses,
was
allowed to continue her pregnancy. The bullets were left in place. All
went
well and the woman delivered her triplets without a problem. 15 years
later,one of the children came to his mother and said, "I just had a
scary
thing happen. I peed and a bullet came out." His mother then told him
about
the event when she was pregnant. Two weeks later, the second of the
triplets
told his mother that an unusual thing happened. "Yes," she said,"I
know, you
had a bullet in your urine." And she told him about the shooting event.
Several weeks later the third came to his mother and was very upset.
"Something horrible has just happened," he said. "You had a bullet in
your
urine?" said his mother. "NO" he replied. "I was upstairs masturbating
and I
think I shot the dog!!!" -
Inventions
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention --- the assembly
line
for the automobile --- changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out
with
anyone you want to in Heaven." Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna
hang
out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford
to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Henry Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says
Ford,
"You have some major design flaws in your invention
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer,
types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer
prints out
a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is
flawed,"
God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are
riding my invention than yours." -
-
Signs From England
IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your
clothes
when the light goes out.
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
please
bring it back or further steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot
and
stand upside down on the draining board.
ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this
door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side
entrance.)
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing
machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful
bargain.
QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be
drowned.
By order of the District Council.
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here
for
more than 30 days will be disposed of.
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know
it,
there is a day care on the first floor.
NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for
free,
but the bull charges.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you
how to
get lessons.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the
door
- the bell doesn't work)
SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order.
Please
use floor below. -
The Painter & The Doctor
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career,
started
losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter,
she
went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of
delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by
repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a
gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a
press
conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall,
and
asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly
painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord,
I'm
not a gynecologist.'" -
SUCCESS!!
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the
clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a
cloud,
upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or
climb
the ladder to success" she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next
cloud. On
this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the
eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well,"
thought
the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was
quite
attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to
himself
that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck
me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he
decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit
hair
showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "I'm Cess!" -
hahaha, the shot the dog one is funny..
-
Cabbie & the NUN
A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high,
voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?" In a thick Brooklyn
accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey sista, that's kinda a
long
drive? You mind if we, like, chat?" The nun says, "Why no my son,
whatever
is on your mind?"
The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never
think
about doin' it?" The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has
crossed my
mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand." The
cabbie,
"Well, would ya ever consider, you know, doin' it?" The nun, "Well, I
suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I
might consider it".
The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?" The nun,
"Well,
he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly he could have
no
children." The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all
three. Why do youse come on up here...I won't even make you really
break
your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."
The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where anyone
would
recognize her. At the next light she gets into the front with the
driver. By
the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and
the
cabbie is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the
cabbie begin to laugh. The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so
humorous?"
The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I
got
four kids."
And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response,
"Yeah,
well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party. -
VIRGIN
A man met a cute woman in a disco and hustled her out to the parking
lot for
a quickie in the back seat of his car. Afterwards, while he pulled up
his
pants, he said, "Honey, if I'd known you were a virgin, I'd have taken
a
little more time."
She looked at him sourly and said, "Buster, if you hadn't been in such
a
hurry, I would have taken off my pantyhose!!!" -
BEES...
A hillbilly went to a whorehouse for the first time. The madam asked
him if
he had any experience. "No," he admitted. "In this house, you have to
have
experience." She recommended he go home and fuck tree holes.
The next day he came back and claimed to have experience. She sent him
upstairs. Suddenly there was a scream. She ran up and saw the hillbilly
ramming a broomstick up the whore's cunt. When she asked him what he
was
doing, he replied, "Hell, ma'am, I'm just making damn sure there ain't
no
bees in this one." -
-
FITS!!
A man with a stutter marries a woman who is an epileptic. They are
checking
into their hotel, "W-w-w-we have a r-r-r-r-reservation," says the man.
The
clerk registers them and gives them their room key.
About an hour later, the groom comes running down to the front desk in
a
panic. "H-h-h-help m-m-me p-p-p-p-please!" he stammers. "M-m-m-my
w-w-wife
is having a f-f-f-fit! G-g-g-get some r-r-rope and
The clerk gets the items requested and follows the groom to his room.
When
they get there, the clerk sees the bride on the bed, naked,
experiencing a
terrible seizure. Her arms and legs are flailing
"T-t-t-t-tie her arms t-t-t-to the b-b-b-b-bedposts!" stammers the
groom.
The clerk does.
"N-n-n-now t-t-t-tie her l-l-l-l-legs to the bedposts!!" stammers the
groom.
The clerk does.
Suddenly, the groom strips off all his clothes, leaps onto his seizing
bride
and yells, "C-c-c-c-cut her loose!!!" -
Confucious say:
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park
meat in
girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. -
BURN....
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped
in
traffic and thinks, "wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, we're
not
even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the
cars and
he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold
up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down
in the
middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline
and
light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for
the
Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says,"oh really, how much have you got so far?"
"So far....ten gallons." -
THE TALE OF THE VOODOO DICK.
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try
to get
her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't
much
like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and looked around. He thought
about
a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was
browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please
his
wife, and started talking to the man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really
know of
anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her
occupied for weeks, except -- " and his voice trailed off.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo
dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden
box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary
looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like
every
other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He
pointed to
a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of
its
box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The
whole
door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
your
box!"
And the voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there,
quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally agreed
to
$700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a
special
dildo and tha! t to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my
pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was
gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
remembered
the voodoo dick! She took it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was a
religious
experience - she'd never experienced anything like this before!
However. after three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried
to
pull it out. But it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and
tried
to get rid of the damn thing, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgot to
tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put
her
clothes on, got in the car and drove to the hospital, quivering with
every
thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was
pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked
how
much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy,
and
wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah Right -
VOODOO
DICK MY ASS!!!!" -
Together at last...
Two women were attending a funeral of a friend who had been married 8
times.
One sighed and said, "their together at last." "Which husband are you
talking about?", the other said. "None of her husbands, I mean her
legs!" -
Get back to work.....
After the company Christmas party the vice president woke up with a
gigantic
hangover. He turned to his wife and asked what the hell happened last
night.
She said as usual you made an ass out of yourself in front of the
chairman
of the board.
"Piss on him", the man answered.
"You did", she said, "and he fired you."
"F--- him", the man retorted.
"I did", you go back to work on Monday. -
PISSED OFF!!
One day a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son
playing
with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train
stop
and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the
hell off
now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use
that
kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When
you
come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper
language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her
son
came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train
stopped
and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please
remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with
us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding,
we ask
you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your
trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay,
please
see the bitch in the kitchen!!." -
So which condom would you use....?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty condom: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft condom: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer condom: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell condom: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI condom: For friends and family
Doublemint Condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. -
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT..
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!