THE CRUCIAL FIRST CONVERSATION
The key here is balance: Don't ramble on like a bore. Even if you're the first inner city Native American midget to play in the Super Bowl, she doesn't want you to slap that information on the bar like a freshly caught fish?though she does want to know that you're gainfully employed. The solution: Ask her what she does. She'll be flattered that you asked ("You'd be amazed by how many guys go on about their jobs without asking what I do," explains Rachel, 30, an environmental consultant in Washington, DC). And then she'll turn around and ask you what you do.
If, due to nervousness, your tendency is to keep asking questions as a means of engagement, relax. Says Wolf, "Pepper her with questions without offering up information, and she'll start to withdraw." You'll be coming off like a stalker because you have tons of info on her and she knows nothing about you. Give her time to ask you questions?don't worry about the awkward silences. She understands that these early conversations always have gaps in them. "And give enough information that grounds you in the neighborhood?you play in a local softball league, you volunteer somewhere?so she knows you're not some drifter," says Wolf. You also might want to work in that you're single, but be somewhat clever. For example, if she asks you where you live, say, "My goldfish and I live in the Nevsky Projects." And if you've got kids, she probably wants to know that early on too. Wouldn't you?
If she doesn't respond to your queries with parallel questions, move on. "How well a man reads the verbal and nonverbal signs is hugely important," says Gayle Beck, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in human sexuality at the State University of New York at Buffalo. If her jaw's locked up tighter than a tetanus victim's, if she crosses her arms or turns away from you, if she seems uncomfortable in anyway, abort the mission, or at least move slower.
More on chatting her up:
"It makes me uncomfortable if a guy comments on my body in any way, as in `You look really good in that skirt.' That's way too familiar for just meeting someone. It's too obvious that you're trying to pick me up."
?Karen, 27, St. Paul
"When John first approached me, he was clearly nervous. He just sort of blurted out that he had a dog and a roommate who was a guy who he was not sleeping with. And that he wasn't sleeping with the dog, either. Oh, and that he didn't have a girlfriend. It was clumsy, but it was very sweet, and his honesty was endearing. I loved it."
?Sarah, 29, Madison, Wis.
"Whatever you do, check out my breasts and butt before you come over. If I see your eyes go below my necklace once while we're talking, you're out."
?Nancy, 28, New York City
"I've heard a lot of guys make the mistake of trying to flatter a woman by comparing her to a celeb, as in 'Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Fiona Apple?' Well, that's taking a big chance that the woman thinks Fiona Apple is way prettier than she is, and that she likes Fiona Apple. Maybe for some reason she really hates Fiona Apple. Then you're screwed."
?Anita, 26, New Orleans
"Making me laugh is key, but don't launch into stand-up. Let me make you laugh some, or I'm going to extrapolate that everything is about you, and you'll be that way in bed, too."
?Amy, 30, Toronto
"Rick wasn't that good looking?he was short and stocky and losing his hair. But when he came up to me and started talking, he was hilarious, and jokingly self-deprecating in a way that showed me he didn't really care that he wasn't Tom Cruise, that he had a sense of humor about himself. His confidence completely won me over and I went home with him that night."
?Mirelle, 33, New York City
"If a guy is looking around the room, there's no way I'm going home with him. No girl will. Even if I'm not your dream girl, talk to me while we're together, then excuse yourself." ?Melissa, 30, Miami
"In a crowded bar, if people are walking by and pushing you, there's a way a guy can put his arm around you?not actually touching you, but behind your back so he's sort of keeping you from getting shoved. A man doesn't need to pick a fight with some guy who accidentally steps on my toes, but it's nice if he's protective."
?Kris, 27, Los Angeles
"I like to see a guy who's passionate about something, like politics or music or anything. If he gets excited when he talks, that's hot."
?Simone, 33, Providence
"I love it when a guy sort of mirrors my physical behavior, like when I'm sitting across from him and I lean in to say something, I like him to lean in. If I'm talking really fast, and he can keep up with me, it makes me feel like we're in the same place. If I'm being a little frenetic and he's slow and relaxed and laid-back, I feel really far away."
?Carlie, 30, Salt Lake City
AS YOU MAKE YOUR SMOOTH EXIT
So the conversation has flowed as easily as the alcohol now flowing through your veins. And damn if this woman isn't getting prettier as closing time approaches. Many men, desperate to close the deal, blow it in this last, crucial interaction. Now's not the time to push, even if this may be the last time you'll see her. In fact, being the master of chill at this juncture will have the desired effect: You'll either leave with her 411, or with her willing form. "Clearly, declaring your undying love or at least your undeniable lust right away would be an ineffective deployment of mating strategies," says Buss, who has studied sex strategies of more than 10,000 humans in 37 cultures around the world for his book, The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating (Basic, 1995). The same goes for being physical if you're not absolutely positive it's welcome, or even being too insistent about setting up a definite date to see her in the future?you come off as desperate or pushy. "Effective moves involve more subtlety," concludes Buss.
Your best closing-time remarks:
"If all of a guy's friends are leaving and he stays behind to talk to you, there's suddenly a lot of pressure on. He should always leave with his friends. He can simply say he doesn't want to ditch them, then ask if he can call me. He comes off like a good pal and not just someone on the make."
?Diana, 24, New York City
"The best thing he can do is try to make a date off of our common interests. If we were talking about golf, 'We should go to a driving range sometime' is a great thing to say. It's not like the pressure of a date, more like you're sports companions. If I want to see you, I'll pick up on your invite."
?Phoebe, 32, Westport, Conn.
"A guy I talked to for a half hour in a bar actually kissed me good-bye! It was only on the cheek, but it totally skeeved me out. I didn't know if he thought he was giving me a taste of things to come or what, but it was too forward. I had already given him my number, but I never called him back."
?Eve, 24, College Park, Pa.
"Politeness is always a good thing. A simple handshake and 'I enjoyed meeting you, I'd love to talk to you again,' with a suggestion of a specific exhibition or a show to see is great. That would make me feel like a guy has it together."
?Aimee, 26, Berkeley, Calif.
"If you're inviting her to do something in the future, even if vaguely, it's best not to make it another bar or, even worse, the same bar you're presently in. You seem like you have nothing going on but drinking."
?Wendy, 28, Darien, Conn.
"I used to give out my number, but there are so many damn freaks out there that if I like a guy, I'll ask for his number. The coolest thing is if a guy offers me his number. It shows he's not afraid I'll leave him sitting by the phone?he doesn't need to be the one in total control, and that shows confidence. Sexy."
?Marnie, 24, Detroit
"Even if I'm really into a guy, he loses nothing by leaving without trying to take me home. This is how he should play it with a woman. He should say, 'It's getting late, do you want to go someplace for a nightcap?' If she declines, ask for her number; if she says she doesn't give her number out, volunteer yours. Then say good night and hope she calls. If I'm into a guy and want to be with him that night, I won't let him go home alone. If I like him and want to see him again, one of us will have the other's numbers. We won't lose touch."
?Catherine, 31, Austin, Tex.
THE GREEN LIGHTS
You've got a nibble if you see any of these indications of interest. Mind your manners and she'll be hooked.
° She asks you to act like her boyfriend to avoid a jerk. This is the ultimate sign that she could envision you in that role. She's placed you above the "jerk pool." Play it cool and have some fun with it.
° She compliments you on virtually anything. Women are used to receiving compliments, not giving them. So if she points out a positive characteristic, you've impressed her.
° She's disagreeing but laughing. Flirtatious sarcasm, as in "Yeah, right, like I believe that!" means she's into you. If she weren't, she'd simply "Uh-huh" you into oblivion.
° She keeps asking you to repeat yourself. She's not allowing the blasting music to come between the two of you. A suggestion of a quieter corner to talk in will be well received.
° She laughs at your lame junior high school?level jokes. She's obviously lust drunk. Or maybe just drunk.
° She touches you anywhere. Touch her back in the equivalent place, and let her up the ante, just in case her touch was an accidental slip of the hand.
° She stays put. If you run to drain the monster and she's still where you left her when you return, you're doing something right. Likewise if she comes back to you after she powders her nose.
° She doesn't flinch. If you reach across her to grab a drink or an ashtray and she doesn't pull back, she's feeling physically comfortable with you. Don't blow it, pal.
° She says, "Hey, where ya goin'?" as you leave the bar. She's angling for an invite. Even if she ultimately says no (she may not feel safe going off with you or may not want to ditch her friends) it's a sign she's game for a future hookup.
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