Matters of the heart - Please help!
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Dear all,
I am facing some relationship problems and i desparately need your advice and guidance.
I am 25 and have been with my current girlfriend who is 24 for almost 3 years. We have been through a very rough patch about 2 years back and somehow we got through that and our love grew stronger. The past 2 years, we were madly in love with each other. We couldn't do without each other's company and were virtually in a world of our own! We were totally convinced that we were made for each other and the topic of marriage was always being brought up.
Then about 3 or 4 months back, our relationship started cooling off. She started to mature, and with that she begin to realise that there are other aspects of life. She began focusing more on her family, her friends and herself. There is nothing wrong with that except that me being so used to being her focus in life, i couldn't adjust initially. The problem was that i didn't realise the change initally and couldn't adjust fast enough, and we kind of grew apart. Her affection towards me started to fluctuate, sometimes cold, sometimes she treats me like any other friend. Suddenly she no longer wants to spend as much time with me and she doesn't seem happy around me. It seems that she had lost her interest in me. The passion she had for me fizzled off.
I concede that my behavior had contributed towards this change. I can be petty, i always give her a 'black' face when she doesn't do things the way i like. I don't appreciate the little things that she has done for me like cooking a meal for me, waiting for me after my classes despite the boredom etc. I have realised this and i am starting to change.
I love her deeply, and i know that she is the one for me. I may not be perfect but my love for her is genuine and sincere. I have been faithful and extremely committed to her.
Last night, we had a lengthy heart-to-heart talk and she acknowledged that i am the best boyfriend that she had had. She also knows my dedication and love towards her. Despite that, with the maturing of her thoughts, she says she is no longer sure of her feelings for me. She also mentioned that one of the reasons is that she is starting to find our relationship too routine i.e Monday meet up do this, Tuesday do this, Wednesday wait for my class to finish etc etc.
I have been trying the last month everything to fix this problem, to make her love me again and i failed. I needed advice on what can i do to win back her affection? I cannot just let this relationship go down the drain............ -
icycold, I can only try my best to answer you and I hope that it can help you even it is 1%. Even so, you just need another 99 persons to reply your post to make it 100% sureproof way to win her back.
You will need to change your behavior towards her. How are you going to do that since both of you have already started to feel cold about your relationship. I cannot tell you how exactly you can do to make her love you again. But I can tell you how to get back your feelings to treasure her once again. Simple, imagine by yourself that you are going to lose her forever. Probably you have already done that and that's why you are trying your best to get her back. Okie...then you need to find something new to spark her interest in you once again. I think you can find something common to do together. Watch an anime series together with her which you think she will like. Play UNO, monopoly...ps2, xbox...even up to the extend of chess if you think she will like it. Break out of your daily routine with her...to give her a spark in your relationship. Can go to tour also can...go to Science Centre or Omni-theatre or be a tourist again and go to those tourist-attraction again. Go overseas also can, if you got money. Go and enrol you and her in a language class. Learn a new skill like piano...suprise her. Change your hairstyle to those that is acceptable to her and is different from your usual hairstyle. Change the way you dress, dress decently. Go and do some sports with her if she likes sports. Buy her a cheap present but inside put a love letter which is more valuable to her than the present itself.
I'm afraid that's all I can think of at the moment. Treasure her...because she is probably not going to be around in another 99 years.
Good luck and all the best to you. I sincerely wish you success and may both of you be together forever. -
sometimes if a relationship has been around for quite some time, things can become too routine.. it is jus like everyday you have to wake up, go to work, after work, come home, sleep.. and repeat the process day in and out... people can get sianz of working.. this applies to relationship too!
when things get too predictable... passion dies down.. try to come up with something that you both seldom do or never done before.. it is like rekindling the passion flame between both of you...
a relationship can go through a few setback stages..
1) guy goes NS..
2) 1 of the party comes out to work while the other is still schooling or in NS..
3) i of the party went oversea for a period of time..
when only 1 of the party have a different exposure to the world, feelings and mentality change.. so it is up to both of you now to understand and resolve this issue... understand the changes and tackle the changes together..
Good Luck!
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hey there...theres really no sure way of mending a broken relationshuip...i tink it all depends on the both of u...how much of the love is still there and how much both of u still want each other...
ask urself tis....can u envision a happily married life wif her in...say 3-4 yrs time? be true to urself....
it is pretty normal for a relationshuip to fall intot he stagnant period every now and den...when u r wif the same person for too long, the interest tends to die off...and tat is when u or she starts to seek interest eleswhere...
during the first 2 yrs, both of u r so damn in love tat u dun notice other ppl...when the love fades....u or she will start to realise tat there is more to life than juz the two of u...and den comes the real test of love....if u really love her and she really love u....neither of u will even tink of ending the r/s becoz the "love" has faded...
the fact that one of u is finding fault wif the other now after 3 yrs of being together shows tat the love is not strong enuff...im sure the fault tat she has found wif u is not new....but itz only now...when the love or the novelty has died off tat she starts to pick faults...to start comparing u wif the other guys tat came into her life....obviously she is still not prepared to pledge her love to u for the rest of her life...she is still choosing....
so the only advice i can offer u is.....tok to her again...ask her wat she wans to do....if she wans to let go....u can prob tell her to gif the r/s a 6 months break....during the 6 months...both of u be normal frenz....tat means no more meeting everyday....no more late nite phone calls....juz normal frenz....she can do all tat she wan...but within the 6 months...reserve her heart for u....if she finds tat she sitll tinks of u and miss u very much during the 6 months...she will come back to u...if she finds tat shes happier without u....den juz let her be k...u wan her to be happy too rite...
trust mi...sometimes u need to lose it to noe its importance..
i noe coz i decided to really settle down wif my current gf only after i broke off wif her once 2 yrs back...at tat time...im juz like ur gf now...and my gf is like u....i tot my gf was not good enuff...so broke off wif her...after the break off...i realise tat she really is the one for mi....n we patch back after a yr....now we r already quite stable... -
haha...loser...
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Hey buddy, seems like we're in the same boat.
I am still in shock actually.
My gf juz told me something like that as well that she felt numb towards me and that I was the best bf blah blah blah...
If u wanna talk, can leave me a message loh.
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ya.. wait til u get urself in his hot shoe then u know..Originally posted by Thailand_Hero:haha...loser... -
girls need surprises always.. simple as that
relationship tends to be routine as time pass
fill her interest up.. get her heart back isn't that tough since you know she loved you back then
when she's matured, you should try to learn and accept..
thats what i thought of currently.. sorry for short replies no need to be long right?
good luck~
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rude.. guess your the real loser~Originally posted by Thailand_Hero:haha...loser...
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dear icy cold..
wats obvious in ur relationship is that u lack of spice in ur daily routine....
ask urself when is the last time u did some thing new??
when is the last surprise u gave her??
when is the last tiem u say those sweet words to her??
she claimed that she haf a new focus in life??
how come u nv try to focus the same dir w her?
in lovers, is nt how they look at each other in the eyes.. rather is how they look in the same direction..
make sure u all haf the same life goals.. then not only won u be bored w each other`s presence.. but somehow felt each other`s companionship even more important than before..
anyway i felt u should post this in AA..
gd luck my dear fren.. -
anyway haf u asked for her hand in marriage??
anyway i don tink its the correct time to do so now..
plan ur way to get her back to u..
ppl don plan to fail, or rather ppl fail to plan..
PLAN NOW!!! -
Thank you all for your concern and inputs! I will put them all to good use!
Nope, i haven't asked for her hand. This doesn't sound good, but while we were madly in love, i always took it for granted that she will marry me, therefore i keep putting off the idea of proposing. Then when a crisis arise, i will then feel the urgency to marry her! I think human beings are like that, aren't we? Starting to treasure stuff around us only when we are losing them!
Anyway, she did not pinpoint my faults or tried to find fault with me. It was i myself who spotted all these faults of mine. I realised how i failed to appreciate the little little things she did, how selfish i was in insisting that she do things my way, and sulking if she fails to do so.
My only console is that while searching through the net these few hours, i found that there were many other couples facing a similar problem. It seems that in a lot of relationships, the passion and the sparks starts to fizzle off after the 2nd or 3rd year.
I am sure that there will be some forumers here that had experienced this before. Perhaps you can share how you got through this ordeal? -
Hey, don't despair. I think it really helps to know that there are others experiencing the same thing! After reading through some of the experiences people posted at another forum, i felt better already. Perhaps if you are interested, you can check out http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/ under the topic 'Matters of the heart'.Originally posted by drowssap_123:Hey buddy, seems like we're in the same boat.
I am still in shock actually.
My gf juz told me something like that as well that she felt numb towards me and that I was the best bf blah blah blah...
If u wanna talk, can leave me a message loh.
Trust me, it helps! -
read my fomer post carefully..
sparks are all that u need to rekindle ur love life..
its a stage of the relationship where both parties take it for granted..
u need some input...
plan a romantic hoilday.. tt`s my best suggestion.. -
Add some sparks to your relationship first before asking for her hand.
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This is in Bar?
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yaya...and william hung is the real idol...Originally posted by ^sylvia^:rude.. guess your the real loser~ -
be more horny?
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hey dude, i support u. if u really think she's the one for u, go ALL way out. the greatest mistake is to let this opportunity slip by.
"Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire."
i hope u will be the like the bonfire. -
why dont you just go up to her and propose?
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Originally posted by icycold:Dear all,
I am facing some relationship problems and i desparately need your advice and guidance.
I am 25 and have been with my current girlfriend who is 24 for almost 3 years. We have been through a very rough patch about 2 years back and somehow we got through that and our love grew stronger. The past 2 years, we were madly in love with each other. We couldn't do without each other's company and were virtually in a world of our own! We were totally convinced that we were made for each other and the topic of marriage was always being brought up.
Then about 3 or 4 months back, our relationship started cooling off. She started to mature, and with that she begin to realise that there are other aspects of life. She began focusing more on her family, her friends and herself. There is nothing wrong with that except that me being so used to being her focus in life, i couldn't adjust initially. The problem was that i didn't realise the change initally and couldn't adjust fast enough, and we kind of grew apart. Her affection towards me started to fluctuate, sometimes cold, sometimes she treats me like any other friend. Suddenly she no longer wants to spend as much time with me and she doesn't seem happy around me. It seems that she had lost her interest in me. The passion she had for me fizzled off.
I concede that my behavior had contributed towards this change. I can be petty, i always give her a 'black' face when she doesn't do things the way i like. I don't appreciate the little things that she has done for me like cooking a meal for me, waiting for me after my classes despite the boredom etc. I have realised this and i am starting to change.
I love her deeply, and i know that she is the one for me. I may not be perfect but my love for her is genuine and sincere. I have been faithful and extremely committed to her.
Last night, we had a lengthy heart-to-heart talk and she acknowledged that i am the best boyfriend that she had had. She also knows my dedication and love towards her. Despite that, with the maturing of her thoughts, she says she is no longer sure of her feelings for me. She also mentioned that one of the reasons is that she is starting to find our relationship too routine i.e Monday meet up do this, Tuesday do this, Wednesday wait for my class to finish etc etc.
I have been trying the last month everything to fix this problem, to make her love me again and i failed. I needed advice on what can i do to win back her affection? I cannot just let this relationship go down the drain............
Why put this in Bar? Next time you can post it in Aunt Agony Section instead. (Heng, saw this in Top 50 topic)
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First lesson you ought to realise - never take relationship for granted. How the future is like, will be shaped by the past. Tree can't grow properly if the stems has no room to grow and expand, instead it squeeze whichever way it could to take up for it. This degenerate a relationship.
You made three common mistakes:
I) Not showing appreciation of affection. This is critical especially if your girlfriend is Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. One thing about long term relationship is that - the longer you lead them, such personal appreciation, mushy talks, mini non-sexual intimacy has to double in frequency.
II) Long term relationship is at great risk of a routine relationship. To break routine cycle, learn this: if you can't make everyday a different thing, avoid making everyday the same.
III) You want a invulnerable relationship, with love itself, it is not sufficient. You can't run away from effort. Man has this tendency to slack within the relationship after having them a long period of time. Break that tendency and love well everyday. Love is expressive - SHOW and BE KNOWN and not keep mum and remain passive.
Learn to see that relationship is especially vulnerable when the past screwed the future. See! you are worried now.
She allows a soul talk with you and the outcome turn out to be rather positive. At least she is willing to speak and she is willing to share what's going on with the relationship. There may be other factors going against you - but that shouldn't be our primary concern now.
I suggest if possible, take a break and go overseas holiday for say 3 days. Work stress and everything else can hinder your objective. Dump everything and enjoy your days somewhere nearby if cash is a problem. With only the two of you - let your behavior speaks for themselves. Do the three pointers I bold above, from there, you can slowly work your way up.
P.S: Don't be unnatural. Be yourself, but show your willingness to fork and give to this relationship. Don't expect - only give. Rewards? Talk later.
Cheers -
i'm kinda entering the same stage also.. *reads above notes carefully*
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I deeply understand how u feel at the moment,, currently in the same situation as u, For mi it has being a long 5yr relationship. In a blur now as to wat to do. Having being trying to save the relationship as best as i could for the pass 2wk and now starting to feel should i continue or gave it a rest.....
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Hi, me too. As much as i am trying, i am getting disheartened by the lack of results. I am subconsciously bracing for a heartbreak........Originally posted by sleeping:I deeply understand how u feel at the moment,, currently in the same situation as u, For mi it has being a long 5yr relationship. In a blur now as to wat to do. Having being trying to save the relationship as best as i could for the pass 2wk and now starting to feel should i continue or gave it a rest.....
How are you doing now? For me, she is still asking for time. She claims that she is getting stressed over her work and all, and she is unable to make the right decision whether to carry on this relationship. Life sucks right now! -
I don't think this will work! She used to keep hinting to me to get married but nowadays she tells me that she feels glad we didn't get married that early.Originally posted by the.raven:why dont you just go up to her and propose?
Besides i wouldn't want to use marriage as a solution. It is not supposed to be. If she is having so much doubts right now, how can i be sure she wouldn't have more doubts if we were to get married? It will only make matters worse because by then we cannot just 'breakup', we will have to seek a divorce. Agree?