Some jokes...
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New Answering Machine installed at Mental Health Institutes
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you." -
A Theory On Hell
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:
"Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A. -
A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead where setting together at a coffee shop. They all decide to go through their daughter's purses. The Brunette goes first. "I cant belive I found a pack of cigerettes in my daughter's purse. I didn't know she smoked." The redhead says, " I can't belive I found boose in my daughter's purse. I didn't know she drank." Finally the blonde says," I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I didn't know she had a penis!"
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Translating Hebrew
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were atleast three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them."
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food."
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!" -
TWO DEAF MUTES
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street
corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls,
drive to a dark spot and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and
are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy
in the front seat on the shoulder...
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No.
We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back
seat gets out and goes inside.
In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)
"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know what to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside.
Put five dollars on the counter.
Put your penis on the counter.
He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later
he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do.
I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter.
I put my penis on the counter.
He put his on the counter.
It was bigger than mine.
He took my 5 dollars."
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Originally posted by xfool:TWO DEAF MUTES
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street
corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls,
drive to a dark spot and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and
are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy
in the front seat on the shoulder...
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No.
We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back
seat gets out and goes inside.
In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)
"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know what to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside.
Put five dollars on the counter.
Put your penis on the counter.
He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later
he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do.
I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter.
I put my penis on the counter.
He put his on the counter.
It was bigger than mine.
He took my 5 dollars." -
wahhahahhahaha....this is funniOriginally posted by DXuan:The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" -
Pick-up Line Rebuttals
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down when a guy asked a girl to
dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, f*** off!"
After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
A friend once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club
while she was in college, with the line, "Where have you been all my
life?"
She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I
probably wasn't born yet."
A friend came up with a very quick response over vacation... We were
walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked
by. She turned around and said "What are you looking at?"
My friend,walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were
good looking, but he was mistaken."
Corny pick up lines
1.If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
2. ThatÂ’s a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
3. I may not be the best-looking guy here, but IÂ’m the only one talking to you.
4. The fact that IÂ’m missing my teeth just means thereÂ’s more room for your tongue.
5. LetÂ’s go to my place and do everything that IÂ’ll tell everyone we did anyway.
6. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
7. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
8. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?
9. Hi. YouÂ’ll do -
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving ...
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL." Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive." -
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"
After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit. -
Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues. He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time." The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years. The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head."
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something i just read...
There's a blonde girl in kindegrarden. She comes home and says to her mom that she can say the alphabet all the way to G and the other kids can only say it to D. She then asks her mom, "is that becuz i'm blonde?" The mom replies, "yes." The next day the little blonde girl comes home and says to her mom that she can count all the way to 10 and the other kids can only count to 7. She then asks her mom, "is that becuz i'm blonde?" The mom replies, "yes." The next day, the blonde girl comes home and tells her mom she was showering in the showers today and all the other girls are flat chested, but she isn't. Then she asks her mom, "is that becuz i'm blonde?" The mom replies, "no hunny, thats becuz you're 24."