Sex Pain
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MARRIED FOR YEARS BUT THESE WOMEN STILL CAN'T DO IT
THERAPY: FREE THEIR MINDS OF MISCONCEPTIONS AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS
Source: NP By Esther Au Yong
WHILE her colleagues were rushing to go home to their loved ones, Amy was dreading the end of the working day.
Going home meant having to face her husband. No, he was no wife-beater. He was like any normal, loving husband.
But the idea of having to face his sexual advances sent shivers down her spine.
Said Amy, 28: 'The thought that we might have sex that night made me dread going home.
'I was tense, nervous and so terrified that I often broke out in cold sweat.'
Their marriage of two years was yet to be consummated.
Every attempt at sex was a painful affair for her because she became too tense. After many tries, her husband eventually gave up.
'Although I've tried my best to respond to my husband's approaches, I still can't. I think divorce is the best way out for both of us,' she added, with resignation.
Amy is not alone in facing this problem.
Her name, like the others in this report, has been changed to protect her identity.
There's also Sharon, 28, who was taught from young that she was dirty 'down there'.
She was so obsessed with genital cleanliness that she douches herself with antiseptic solution twice a day - so much so that she couldn't have sex due to the eventual inflammation of her private parts.
Alice, in her 30s, said the childhood memory of her mother caning her thighs because she sat with her legs slightly apart still haunts her.
She too, could not consummate her marriage until she decided to seek help.
These case studies are documented in the book entitled Virgin Wives by Dr V Atputharajah, a visiting consultant at KK Hospital's division of obstetrics and gynaecology.
Statistics from a recently completed 10-year survey by National University Hospital sexologist, Associate Professor P Ganesan Adaikan, show that about 10 per cent of the 923 patients he has surveyed have not consummated their marriages.
Within these figures, 12.9 per cent of the 101 incidences of unconsummated marriages he has treated is due to female sexual dysfunction.
Dr Ganesan said: 'Unconsummated marriages are due to different causes. It can be the husbands' fault, the wives' or a combination of factors from both parties.
'The top reason why females can't have satisfying sex, or any kind of penetration at all, is vaginismus.'
This is the condition where a woman suffers from involuntary spasms of the vaginal muscles that prevent sexual penetration by her partner.
It is generally a psychological problem.
Dr Atputharajah also reported vaginismus as the leading cause of sexual dissatisfaction in his female patients.
Out of the 195 female patients he has treated in a two-year period (2001-2002), 140 of them suffer from the condition, with many having non-consummated marrriages.
Female patients who suffer from vaginismus invariably have certain negative notions and pre-conceptions.
'Many of the women I see have been brought up very traditionally. Open discussions about sex and sexuality are discouraged and, many a time, misleading teachings are passed on,' said Dr Atputharajah.
Others are also taught to never trust a man and, in some cases, that sex itself is shameful - it's only for conception and not for pleasure.
If not misled, they are embarrassed and traumatised by painful childhood memories. For example, one woman was called a 'cheap whore' by her parents when they found her necking with her boyfriend.
A quick check with a few women confirmed the doctors' accounts.
Ms Poh, 25, a writer who has been married for four months, recounted: 'When I asked my parents how babies came about, they told me that I'd have them when I get married and sleep in bed. They also said I might get pregnant if I hold hands with a man.'
Said Dr Ganesan: 'We need greater awareness. Also, a more open, non-judgmental approach to sex education.'
Currently involved in a sexual dysfunction symposium which ends today, he also gives talks and organises forums on sexuality.
Added Dr Atputharajah: 'It is ironic that young marriages and abundant families are encouraged, yet the open discussion of sex is not.
'People should also not be shy about going to see the doctor.
'Besides, vaginismus is a very treatable condition. With proper treatment, it takes only an average of six weeks for the woman to feel better about sex.'
VICTIMS REALISE THEY'RE NOT ALONE
INITIALLY written as an aid for his treatment and counselling sessions, Virgin Wives is such a hit that it's now being marketed by MPH.
The book, by Dr V Atputharajah, a visiting consultant at KK Hospital's division of obstetrics and gynaecology, explains in layman terms the causes and treatment of vaginismus.
This is a leading cause of female sexual dysfunction.
The book also cites several real-life case studies.
The 64-year-old doctor, who self-published his first edition, said: 'At first, I sold the book through mail order, or to my patients who came to the clinic.'
'I was pleasantly surprised when 3,000 copies were sold.
The book will retail at $12.90 each at most major bookstores.
THEY TOLD ME SEX WOULD BE PAINFUL
FLORA, who married at 19, had friends who gave advice that did more harm than good.
They told her that first-time sex would be painful - and this played on her mind.
Eventually, it affected her sex life.
'I found no joy in sex,' she said.
She felt severe pain the first time she and her husband tried to have sex, and her screams terrified both of them.
This was enough to put her husband off sex for a very long time - they did not try again for the next four years.
During treatment, she was instructed to do some exercises in private, as well as with her husband.
She was also encouraged to enjoy sex and to discover her own body.
Through counselling, she learnt about her private parts and how to relax.
After just five weeks, Flora and hubby could have pain-free sex.
SHE NEEDED BIOLOGY LESSON
SHE lacked the one thing that could have helped her have proper sex - knowledge of her own body.
Worse for Sarah, 38, her husband also didn't know where her private parts were.
As a result, her marriage was unconsummated for a year.
Dr Atputharajah said: 'When she came to me for help, I realised she did not know her own genitalia, and she had severe vaginismus.'
BIOLOGY LESSONS
Sarah had to undergo Biology lessons all over again.
She was shown pictures and diagrams of the female anatomy.
She also had counselling to help her overcome her vaginismus.
Her husband participated in the treatments as well, and the couple had trouble-free sex in six weeks. -
im surprised u bothered to type it all out...
too bad im not bothered to read such a lor sor post... -
copy and paste lar.
need thehobbit skill to help these gals.
wah that guy can control his sexual lust for 4 years.
Applaud. That is a real man ! unlike some others in bar..
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So which are you? The guy in the report? One of the 'others' in bar? Or a just a bl00dy hypocrite?Originally posted by SibeiSuayKia:copy and paste lar.
need thehobbit skill to help these gals.
wah that guy can control his sexual lust for 4 years.
Applaud. That is a real man ! unlike some others in bar.. -
wah no sex = divorce?
Will any of u divorce your spouse if he/she can't have sex with u? SAY!!!!!!!
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correctOriginally posted by cooleo:wah no sex = divorce?
Will any of u divorce your spouse if he/she can't have sex with u? SAY!!!!!!! -
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guys need sex to live what.....
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how come still got monks and enunchs?Originally posted by beavan:guys need sex to live what..... -
Maybe the husband is not good at seduction, where you the other person relaxed. Sometimes, a bit of alcohol helps.
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they can still d.i.y,no?Originally posted by xfool:how come still got monks and enunchs? -
historically, eunuchs have no choiceOriginally posted by xfool:how come still got monks and enunchs?
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doesn't anyone take anything seriously nowadays? *sigh*
ok let me go with the flow:
yah lor.. so stupid, woman are not sex objects, got love can liow mar, why need to have sex. just love each other and live happily ever after, sex is wat? can eat one ar????? -
sigh.........Originally posted by jOhO:doesn't anyone take anything seriously nowadays? *sigh*
ok let me go with the flow:
yah lor.. so stupid, woman are not sex objects, got love can liow mar, why need to have sex. just love each other and live happily ever after, sex is wat? can eat one ar????? -
So when the others talk about the kids in this forum, are you one of them? But I agree, women are not sex objects. But sex is part of a healthy marriage. Be it for intimacy or continuation of a familar. The case here is different from the inability to have children.Originally posted by jOhO:doesn't anyone take anything seriously nowadays? *sigh*
ok let me go with the flow:
yah lor.. so stupid, woman are not sex objects, got love can liow mar, why need to have sex. just love each other and live happily ever after, sex is wat? can eat one ar?????
It's a noble thing to say that love is all that matters, but intimacy is part of love. Physical intimacy isn't everything, but it is something in a relationship. Even some of my female friends have said, they can't expect any relationship with a guy who's not capable of physical intimacy.
You're a guy, ask yourself, can you really take it if you and your wife never ever have sex? -
this is actually very sad case that happen around us ...i gt a few client that came to me regarding marriage problem...
after analysi their spouse chamber in their ba zhi n some indept talk.. many times its becos of this.... -
Nope, no sex for 4 years i dun mind love doesn't have to be like sex in the city.Originally posted by SumOne:So which are you? The guy in the report? One of the 'others' in bar? Or a just a bl00dy hypocrite?
I prefer Yang guo + Xiao Long Nu..that kind of love...even as for as long as they live..yang guo respect xiao long nu...so loving..so beautiful..
Even when Yang guo lost xiao long nu for 17 years..he still nv switch target..
This happens in novel..and such a beautiful love story..only occurs one in a million years...nv let it slip away.. -
Its not always aout sex. I once dated a gal that didn't allow me to even touch her. I dun mean br35ts or privates, I mean hands, elbows. She followed the 'glass of water between us' rule. That means that, if there is a glass of water between us, it should not spill. I think its unnatural and wierd. I cannot even put my hand on her back to guide her or 'protect' her in crowds.
If there is no physical intimacy, you might as well have an overseas relationship, after all, dating is expensive right? Phone calls should be enough for you guys that dun believe in physical. Ask yourself how long you can survive in an overseas relationship. -
wow.....Originally posted by SilverPal:Its not always aout sex. I once dated a gal that didn't allow me to even touch her. I dun mean br35ts or privates, I mean hands, elbows. She followed the 'glass of water between us' rule. That means that, if there is a glass of water between us, it should not spill. I think its unnatural and wierd. I cannot even put my hand on her back to guide her or 'protect' her in crowds.
If there is no physical intimacy, you might as well have an overseas relationship, after all, dating is expensive right? Phone calls should be enough for you guys that dun believe in physical. Ask yourself how long you can survive in an overseas relationship. -
Ehh.. this kind of gal then exciting leh....Originally posted by SilverPal:Its not always aout sex. I once dated a gal that didn't allow me to even touch her. I dun mean br35ts or privates, I mean hands, elbows. She followed the 'glass of water between us' rule. That means that, if there is a glass of water between us, it should not spill. I think its unnatural and wierd. I cannot even put my hand on her back to guide her or 'protect' her in crowds.
If there is no physical intimacy, you might as well have an overseas relationship, after all, dating is expensive right? Phone calls should be enough for you guys that dun believe in physical. Ask yourself how long you can survive in an overseas relationship.
She lun so long... all the sexual excitiment will erupt like siaoz if you can make her ur stead...
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hmm........Originally posted by greengoblin:Ehh.. this kind of gal then exciting leh....
She lun so long... all the sexual excitiment will erupt like siaoz if you can make her ur stead... -
very interesting article.... never knew there was such a problemOriginally posted by The Hobbit:MARRIED FOR YEARS BUT THESE WOMEN STILL CAN'T DO IT
THERAPY: FREE THEIR MINDS OF MISCONCEPTIONS AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS
Source: NP By Esther Au Yong
WHILE her colleagues were rushing to go home to their loved ones, Amy was dreading the end of the working day.
Going home meant having to face her husband. No, he was no wife-beater. He was like any normal, loving husband.
But the idea of having to face his sexual advances sent shivers down her spine.
Said Amy, 28: 'The thought that we might have sex that night made me dread going home.
'I was tense, nervous and so terrified that I often broke out in cold sweat.'
Their marriage of two years was yet to be consummated.
Every attempt at sex was a painful affair for her because she became too tense. After many tries, her husband eventually gave up.
'Although I've tried my best to respond to my husband's approaches, I still can't. I think divorce is the best way out for both of us,' she added, with resignation.
Amy is not alone in facing this problem.
Her name, like the others in this report, has been changed to protect her identity.
There's also Sharon, 28, who was taught from young that she was dirty 'down there'.
She was so obsessed with genital cleanliness that she douches herself with antiseptic solution twice a day - so much so that she couldn't have sex due to the eventual inflammation of her private parts.
Alice, in her 30s, said the childhood memory of her mother caning her thighs because she sat with her legs slightly apart still haunts her.
She too, could not consummate her marriage until she decided to seek help.
These case studies are documented in the book entitled Virgin Wives by Dr V Atputharajah, a visiting consultant at KK Hospital's division of obstetrics and gynaecology.
Statistics from a recently completed 10-year survey by National University Hospital sexologist, Associate Professor P Ganesan Adaikan, show that about 10 per cent of the 923 patients he has surveyed have not consummated their marriages.
Within these figures, 12.9 per cent of the 101 incidences of unconsummated marriages he has treated is due to female sexual dysfunction.
Dr Ganesan said: 'Unconsummated marriages are due to different causes. It can be the husbands' fault, the wives' or a combination of factors from both parties.
'The top reason why females can't have satisfying sex, or any kind of penetration at all, is vaginismus.'
This is the condition where a woman suffers from involuntary spasms of the vaginal muscles that prevent sexual penetration by her partner.
It is generally a psychological problem.
Dr Atputharajah also reported vaginismus as the leading cause of sexual dissatisfaction in his female patients.
Out of the 195 female patients he has treated in a two-year period (2001-2002), 140 of them suffer from the condition, with many having non-consummated marrriages.
Female patients who suffer from vaginismus invariably have certain negative notions and pre-conceptions.
'Many of the women I see have been brought up very traditionally. Open discussions about sex and sexuality are discouraged and, many a time, misleading teachings are passed on,' said Dr Atputharajah.
Others are also taught to never trust a man and, in some cases, that sex itself is shameful - it's only for conception and not for pleasure.
If not misled, they are embarrassed and traumatised by painful childhood memories. For example, one woman was called a 'cheap whore' by her parents when they found her necking with her boyfriend.
A quick check with a few women confirmed the doctors' accounts.
Ms Poh, 25, a writer who has been married for four months, recounted: 'When I asked my parents how babies came about, they told me that I'd have them when I get married and sleep in bed. They also said I might get pregnant if I hold hands with a man.'
Said Dr Ganesan: 'We need greater awareness. Also, a more open, non-judgmental approach to sex education.'
Currently involved in a sexual dysfunction symposium which ends today, he also gives talks and organises forums on sexuality.
Added Dr Atputharajah: 'It is ironic that young marriages and abundant families are encouraged, yet the open discussion of sex is not.
'People should also not be shy about going to see the doctor.
'Besides, vaginismus is a very treatable condition. With proper treatment, it takes only an average of six weeks for the woman to feel better about sex.'
VICTIMS REALISE THEY'RE NOT ALONE
INITIALLY written as an aid for his treatment and counselling sessions, Virgin Wives is such a hit that it's now being marketed by MPH.
The book, by Dr V Atputharajah, a visiting consultant at KK Hospital's division of obstetrics and gynaecology, explains in layman terms the causes and treatment of vaginismus.
This is a leading cause of female sexual dysfunction.
The book also cites several real-life case studies.
The 64-year-old doctor, who self-published his first edition, said: 'At first, I sold the book through mail order, or to my patients who came to the clinic.'
'I was pleasantly surprised when 3,000 copies were sold.
The book will retail at $12.90 each at most major bookstores.
THEY TOLD ME SEX WOULD BE PAINFUL
FLORA, who married at 19, had friends who gave advice that did more harm than good.
They told her that first-time sex would be painful - and this played on her mind.
Eventually, it affected her sex life.
'I found no joy in sex,' she said.
She felt severe pain the first time she and her husband tried to have sex, and her screams terrified both of them.
This was enough to put her husband off sex for a very long time - they did not try again for the next four years.
During treatment, she was instructed to do some exercises in private, as well as with her husband.
She was also encouraged to enjoy sex and to discover her own body.
Through counselling, she learnt about her private parts and how to relax.
After just five weeks, Flora and hubby could have pain-free sex.
SHE NEEDED BIOLOGY LESSON
SHE lacked the one thing that could have helped her have proper sex - knowledge of her own body.
Worse for Sarah, 38, her husband also didn't know where her private parts were.
As a result, her marriage was unconsummated for a year.
Dr Atputharajah said: 'When she came to me for help, I realised she did not know her own genitalia, and she had severe vaginismus.'
BIOLOGY LESSONS
Sarah had to undergo Biology lessons all over again.
She was shown pictures and diagrams of the female anatomy.
She also had counselling to help her overcome her vaginismus.
Her husband participated in the treatments as well, and the couple had trouble-free sex in six weeks. -
Some pple have no appreciation for sarcasm.
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lolOriginally posted by jOhO:Some pple have no appreciation for sarcasm. -
This is a good artical.