'Something Light-hearted' Thread
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. -
Tsh.
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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well
developed and open to trade especially for someone
with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the
war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and
borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps
people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a
glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone
knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iran - ruled by a
Dick. -
wonder what the iranians will say when they sees this..
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it really makes my day.
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the Iran one got me..
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The Ugliest Baby..
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." -
3 Worst Tortures Known to Man
A starving man has been walking through the woods for days. He
has no food, and no shelter. As he is walking he comes upon an
old house. Glad to finally see some civilization he runs to the
door and raps on it loudly. An old man answers. The starving man
asks the old man if he will give him shelter and food for the
night. Saying that he will be gone in the morning. The old man
agrees, saying that he can stay on one condition only. He must
not go any where near his granddaughter. If he does, he will
regret it greatly. The starving man agrees...after all, what
kind of girl would live so far out in the woods?
That night at the supper table the man and the granddaughter
can't keep their eyes off each other. They decide to meet up
later on. And when they do, it's like nothing either of them
have ever experienced before.
The next morning the man suddenly wakes up in his own room
because he feels a heavy weight on his chest. He looks down and
sees a rock sitting there. On it, it says "First Worst Torture
Test Known to Man--Rock on Chest." The man laughs and thinks, is
this all? This is going to be easy. So he gets out of bed, and
throws the rock out the window. As the rock is hurtling toward
the ground below he notice's another note stuck to the other
side of the rock it reads "Second Worst Torture Test Known to
Man--Rock Tied to Left Testicle." In a panic the man tries to
reach for the rock, realizing that it is too far out the window
to catch, he decides to jump out after it. On his way down, the
man sees a third note taped to the side of the building, it
reads "Third Worst Torture Test Known to Man--Right Testicle
tied to bedpost." -
Originally posted by The Emperor:
ahahahaaha
[b]The Ugliest Baby..
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."[/b] -
Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his
cousin.
Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never
seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be
with her all night."
"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her
first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as
planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a
heart attack."
That night Bob knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he
is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is. He's about to speak
when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud
... "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" -
yeah, my cousin is hot..flower of her school
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Originally posted by The Emperor:
this is good.
[b]The Ugliest Baby..
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."[/b] -
dun understandOriginally posted by The Emperor:Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his
cousin.
Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never
seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be
with her all night."
"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her
first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as
planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a
heart attack."
That night Bob knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he
is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is. He's about to speak
when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud
... "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" 
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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
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Originally posted by The Emperor:Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!'' -
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand-new shiny watch
Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy Replied. "Well
did you get for christmas then.?" Johnny asked. "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" "No,"
said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's Bedroom the other night while they were on the job. Dad
gave me his watch to get rid of me." Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and
extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited
outside his parents room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemakng. Johnny swung the
door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid-stroke, turned and
asked angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Well, stand in the
corner and keep quiet then." -
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.