Pages of Our Lives
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hey guys, this is my first time writing a novel length (i hope) story. please freely give your comments on it to help me improve ok??
it's NUS based, mainly about the lives of 6 charming undergraduates, grappling with their new undergraduate lives. if there are some terminologies u dun understand, it's prob uni lingo. raise it up and we'll gladly explain to you. and sorry if i added too much biology in it, cos you know lah, that's what i do...
i will be adding the chapters in here as i write them. hope you guys stay with me here.
here it comes:
edited: someone requested a list of characters, so here it is:
Grace Wu, Emily Quek, Angel Sim (19 years old, newly matriculated) you will see more of their personalities as the story unfold.
Daniel Ng, Andrew Wong, Gabriel Seah (21 years old, newly matriculated) best friends since JC days.
other characters:
George (18 ), bro of Grace
Annie (17), Amy (15), Alice (14, Alan (12), siblings of Angel
Mark (21), Vincent (21), godbrothers of Angel
Kevin (21) godbrother of Emily
Jessica (26, married), sister of Daniel
Sarah (22), Benjamin (19), siblings of Gabriel
resident cats of the neighbourhood
synopsis: all in the prime of their years, and embarking on their individual journeys through challenges in university campus life, will these 6 beautiful people find their way through daunting workloads, spicy scandals, destructive jealousy, momumental crisis and emerge, finding the love and friendship and renewed zeal for life? -
Chapter 1 (part one)
23rd February Monday 8.40a.m “Bloody tired”
[This has got to be the bluest Monday blues that IÂ’ve ever gotten in my entire life. I donÂ’t understand why she has to cry so uncontrollably over that insensitive creep. At 2a.m!! That guyÂ’s not worth it, I told her. But she wouldnÂ’t listen, would she? Got herself sunk right in and now sheÂ’s running to me to cry. WhatÂ’s the shit use of that, other than to disturb my already fragile circadian rhythm? Why canÂ’t she see that it is impossible for a guy like him to fall for a girl like her? Besides, heÂ’s a playboy, for heavenÂ’s sake. That imbecile doesnÂ’t have an ounce of compassion in him, telling a girl to buzz off like that. IÂ’ll have him-]
A baby blue diary slipped off her lap and landed on the floor with an ugly thud. The sudden jerk of the bus sent a few water bottles rolling merrily across the bus while the standing passengers temporarily lost all sense of balance. A few muttered “sorries” made the crowded bus even stuffier. Gathering herself to equilibrium, she saw a polished boot standing atop of her diary.
“Damn!” she frowned a most disapproving frown. Pinning her low-cut blouse to her chest, she bent down to pick up her diary.
“I am really sorry Grace. I didn’t mean to dirty your book,” a male voice, dripping with sincerity, blew over her hair, as he returned the book to her lap. There is a strange familiarity to that voice.
“Thank you,” Grace breathed a word of formality and abandoned the deep voice, checking her diary for any devastating dents. After a few minutes of meticulous scrutiny, it occurred to her that Mr. Nice Voice had called her by name. It wasn’t in her genetic makeup to take second glances at strangers, but this time, her curiosity triumphed. She looked up at the owner of the voice. She was sure she had seen that face somewhere before, though she could not put a name to it now. Subconsciously rolling her eyes while she attempted to retrieve any memorial impression, she found it difficult to remember anything on a hot Monday morning such as this. Usual circumstances would have her ignore this ten-second frivolous curiosity about a stranger, but she heard herself say, “Erm, do I know you?” instead.
He smiled. It was at this moment that Grace noticed he had a pair of charming eyes so deep, she could get lost in them if she wasnÂ’t careful. His short hair, neatly trimmed, was combed back to reveal his strong brows. His nose descended in a sharp angle to his lips, which curved so beautifully into that smile.
Grace snapped out of her examination when she saw him widen his smile. Her eyes reverted back to his eyes, waiting intently for an answer. She was about to apologize for her sudden pickup-line-like question when he said with an unmistakable keenness in his voice, “I was hoping I’d bump into you today. You dropped this during lab last Friday,” he said as he dished out a piece of paper from his back pocket and handed it to her, “Did you write that yourself?”
Grace robotically pinched the paper from him and looked at it. It was a poem she had written, a product of unbearable boredom and chronic inattentiveness. Oh, Grace recalled, he was the guy who sat two tables behind her during biodiversity class, the one who broke an arm off the preserved starfish she was transfixed on. She had remembered how he scratched his head sheepishly after closing his gaping mouth, looking obviously horrified at what he had done.
She smiled at him in acknowledgement and turned once again to the window, her thoughts drifting back to her diary. She decided to resume her writing in a more conducive environment after her diary slipped off her lap again, as a result of a catastrophic attempt on the driverÂ’s part to jam-stop at a bus stop he nearly zoomed past. The guy picked up her diary again, which she immediately stuffed into her bag. She didnÂ’t fancy another dirt bath for her book. Looking towards the entrance, she saw a huge swarm of eagerly waiting people trying to squeeze up the already crowded bus. She could almost feel the bus moan every time a passenger added his weight to the vehicle. Frowning deeply and meshing herself against the girl sitting between her and the window, she avoided a would-be fatal blow to the head by a too-big-for-its-owner bag. Looking from her watch to the stationary bus which was still waiting for its passengers to impossibly compress themselves in, she knew she was going to be late for her lecture. Being packed tighter than sardines on a hot Monday morning was bad enough but going late for anything was just pulling at the last straw. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, hoping she could convince herself that the crowd was non-existent and that she had no reason to feel claustrophobic. Yet the bobbing up and down of the bus told her that people were still boarding the bus. She sighed audibly in exasperation.
The bus finally groaned to a snail-paced acceleration, due to the sheer inertia of its mass. Grace swept her eyes over the throng of unfamiliar faces, feeling all the more boxed in. The guy who picked up her diary had moved further down the aisle and for some unknown reason, she wished he was still standing next to her, instead of that dangerously plump man whose potbelly kept jabbing at her cheek. Grace edged towards the window to create any tiny space between her and the potbelly. Suddenly, a surge of nausea forced up her oesophagus. She cupped her mouth violently, swallowing mouthfuls of acid-tasting saliva, she tried to sooth the nausea by patting her chest in a downward motion with the other hand. Each breath she took, she took it laboriously and cautiously.
“Hey, are you alright, Grace?” a worried voice made her open her clenched eyes. It was that guy again, and somehow, he had managed to swap places with the potbelly guy. Grace felt better already, and still breathing calculatedly, she mouthed the words, “I’m okay”.
She closed her eyes again, praying for the bus to take her to school soon, for she did not know how much longer she could hold out. She opened her eyes again when the girl next to her nudged her to let her off the bus. It was Ngee Ann Polytechnic and to her relief, a few students alighted. She shifted to the window seat and from the corner of her eye, the guy sat down next to her, separating her from the rest of humanity. She could feel his concerned stare but did not want to explain her unwell-ness. So she smiled slightly at him and closed her eyes, allowing the bus to lose her sense of direction after a few stops and turns. It was easier to ignore the crowd without having to see them. Trying to distract herself from how trapped she was in the bus, she focused her senses on the guy sitting next to her. Knowing that it was he who was sitting next to her made her feel strangely more at ease. It was almost like he gave her a sense of security.
Grace shook her sudden thought aside, simply because it was too absurd. He was no less a stranger than anyone else here, and strangers did not give her senses-of-security. The bus took a sharp left turn, after which it drove over two huge humps. She knew her stop had arrived. She pulled herself together and waited for her turn to alight, thankfully breathing in her first breath of freedom since half an hour ago. She took a seat at the bench, gearing herself up for another squeeze up the shuttle bus. The guy was still peering at her from time to time, seemingly checking if she was going to faint anytime.
The shuttle bus came shortly, and mercifully, she got the window seat, so she could concentrate on the moving scenery outside and ignore the extremely jam-packed bus. Why didnÂ’t they make buses twice bigger? Grace mentally murmured as she alighted and proceeded to the lecture theatre. She entered by the back door and headed for the usual seat her friend saved for her.
“Did I miss anything important?” Grace asked Angel as she quietly dug out her lecture notes and pencil case.
“Nope. He was just recapping on last week’s lecture. Pretty boring if you asked me. Look at them,” Angel tilted her head at a good half of the students. A quarter of them were busy chatting among themselves as the lecturer obliviously droned on. Patches of students had their heads on the table or propped up in their palms. Several students yawned at any single point in time. Grace laughed at herself for being so flustered just being ten minutes late. She settled herself into the day’s lecture, which was about nucleic acids and their biological significance. Flipping through the notes, she sighed. There was little new information that she didn’t already know. She never understood the purpose of teaching ‘A’ level biology all over again in a university class. Still, she listened on, like a good student she was.
However, in less than fifteen minutes, Grace found her vision began to unfocus and her notes litter with subconscious doodling. She propped herself to a different position and looked over the lecture hall. People were still slumping over in the seats or deeply engaged in private conversations. She had to muster up all of her determination to keep the yawning epidemic at bay. She decided that if this continued, she might have to resort to smsing her friend at NTU to keep herself awake. Speaking of being awake, she nudged Angel with her elbow when she noticed AngelÂ’s forehead had nearly kissed the table for the seventh time.
“Have you been hogging the phone till wee hours again Angel?” Grace asked, despite the absolute un-necessity of it. Personally, chatting over the phone for hours had as much appeal as sitting for a two-hour essay-based examination, but Grace had always tried to understand how important a phone call meant to her extremely introverted friend. Angle had always complained about being able to talk to people over the phone, and yet fail to locate her tongue when she meets them face to face. The symptoms were undeniably direr when a guy was concerned.
“Is it that obvious?” Angel stuck her tongue out in a semi-lick.
“It isn’t too difficult to guess, since you hog the phone at least three times a week and every time you did, you look just like this,” Grace held a pocket-sized mirror in front of her friend.
“Oh my God! Are those eye bags?!” Angel gasped open-mouthedly, and quickly shut herself up when she realized a few heads had turned to look at her, “But what can I do? He’s only available at night.” Angel half groaned half sighed.
“A ‘he’ huh? So is it Mr. Number fifty-seven, or Mr. two hundred and thirty-four?”
“Hey! You’re making me sound like a phone whore,” Angel frowned defensively, “I’ve only been chatting with three guys, and two of them are my god-brothers.”
“Oh. Let me guess, so yesterday’s call was from the non-god brother?” Grace said cheekily, “It’s funny how you seldom talk about him. Heck, I don’t even know his name. Honestly, you’d think your best girl-friend would have at least informed you of whom she had been regularly and sleep-neglectingly chatting with. Or at the very least-” Grace rambled on and on increasingly loudly, and Angel had to slam her lecture notes into her face to shut her up before the whole LT turned to watch the monologue.
“Shhh… you’re waking the rest!” Angel hissed, “It was nothing much with the guy, really, we were just…” Angel paused to search for the right vocabulary, “we just sort of clicked. He was from my secondary school.”
Before Grace could juice more information out of her, Angle excused herself from a timely break given by the professor. When she returned, she had the “I dare you to say something wrong” look on her face and asked, “Before we go for lunch later, will you accompany me to the bookstore first?”
“Okay. I need to get a new writing pad myself, “Grace replied most obligingly.
They spent the rest of the lecture toggling between listening to the lecture and conversing with each other in a proportion approximated to be 5 : 95.
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I love to read story. Hmm..mind emailing me the word document??
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If I can write like that, I won't have to go for "GP consultation" during my JC time.
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the story like abit "complicated" mayb can make it more simplier?
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Complicated or cheem?Originally posted by RaTtY8l:the story like abit "complicated" mayb can make it more simplier?
Anyway, if you've been in SH long enough, you know who is who in the story. -
explain what you mean by complicated???Originally posted by RaTtY8l:the story like abit "complicated" mayb can make it more simplier?
i think my friend also was quite misled.. so mind being more specific??
stay tuned for later chapters. they might clear things up a bit. -
what do u mean who's who?? the characters are purely fictional. any resemblance to person(s) you know are purely incidental. thank you for your attention.Originally posted by CoolMyth:Complicated or cheem?
Anyway, if you've been in SH long enough, you know who is who in the story.
of cos, some parts u guys might recognise. since i am writing it, i have to write something i am familiar with mah. -
Originally posted by mhcampboy:I love to read story. Hmm..mind emailing me the word document??
cant u just copy and paste it??
anyway, i would like to ask u guys to refrain copying and pasting the story anywhere else. thanks. -
oOo...oonly one page done ar,....i tot u wrote quite a lot already...tats y ask u to mail...Originally posted by starblue: cant u just copy and paste it??
anyway, i would like to ask u guys to refrain copying and pasting the story anywhere else. thanks. -
i'm sorry, you will have to wait just like the rest. one chapter a week, or something liddat.Originally posted by mhcampboy:oOo...oonly one page done ar,....i tot u wrote quite a lot already...tats y ask u to mail...
so any comments so far? -
for now its ok. but its kinda draggy for me. i mean... if u wanna captivate the readers... u have to have a good first chapter. something which would make them read on to the next.Originally posted by starblue:i'm sorry, you will have to wait just like the rest. one chapter a week, or something liddat.
so any comments so far?
oh yar.. it would be great to have the list of the main characters and a tiny sypnosis... -
I can imagine it's actually an imitation of your real life exploits.Originally posted by starblue:what do u mean who's who?? the characters are purely fictional. any resemblance to person(s) you know are purely incidental. thank you for your attention.
of cos, some parts u guys might recognise. since i am writing it, i have to write something i am familiar with mah. -
some ideas come from real life interactions with friends, but the development are entirely fictional. you can see lah, cos they are just too extremely to be actually real.Originally posted by CoolMyth:I can imagine it's actually an imitation of your real life exploits. -
Your fantasies?Originally posted by starblue:some ideas come from real life interactions with friends, but the development are entirely fictional. you can see lah, cos they are just too extremely to be actually real. -
as amateur as i come, i hope to be treated as a professional author, who doesnt write merely fantasies. please, don't project the characters onto me ok?? try to be subjective. -_-" if not dun read.Originally posted by CoolMyth:Your fantasies? -
At this initial stage, I can't tell the plot of your story and how you intend to paragraph them subsquently to bring out the ups and downs but I can offer you my honest opinion at this preliminary stage.
The usage of language is too exhibitionistic and literary for my liking to follow through on your story development. You tend to emphasize too much on the graciousness use of words which shift the gravity of the story-telling away. Try using them only at strand to bring out a sentence elegantly. I guess literati will be more appreciative towards your work than ordinary readers.
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I agree. It's too Lit for me already.
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Chapter 1 (Part 2)
“Unbelievable I tell you, there can never be a lecture as boring as that! I swear, watching my toe nail grow is twice as accomplishing,” rolling his eyes, a handsome young man spoke in a mocking tone. He had a pair of sparking eyes, adorned with double eyelids and long, curved lashes. As he spoke, his larynx bobbed in synchrony, accentuating his masculinity.
“Hell, yeah. Lucky thing I brought my wife here to entertain myself. Andrew, would you hold my wife for me for a sec? I’m desperately urgent,” said another more average-looking guy, as he pushed his Toshiba laptop to his friend.
“Sure, you go do your thing while I get familiar with your wife,” Andrew replied, a mischievous smirk formed on the handsome face as he flashed his eyebrows.
Turning to a dazed comrade standing beside him, Andrew swept his open palm in front of his friend’s face and said almost exasperatedly, “Hey? Hello? Can you wipe that weird smile off your face now? You’ve been grossing me out for the past half an hour.”
“Hey dude, I was in the middle of my most erotic fantasy and you just totally demolished it. Why don’t you go disturb someone else for a change?” the guy looked around for something, “And where is Gabriel?”
“He went to relieve himself. What? You want him to accompany you to the washroom?” Andrew sniggered and pointed in the direction of the gents, “There, he’s done. Man, he’s fast for someone who’s desperately urgent.”
“It’s called superior plumbing my friend. Ah, I see Daniel’s not smiling to the air anymore. I don’t know what you did but I sure am glad it worked. He’s been grossing me out for the past half hour,” Gabriel laughed.
Andrew burst out laughing and when it died down enough for him to speak, he patted Gabriel on the back and said, “Spoken like a true brother. Come on, let’s go get my Biology of the Body text from my locker before we get lunch.” With Andrew in the lead, they trotted towards the lockers.
Daniel had half his mind in the conversation about last nightÂ’s soccer match, and half his mind just aimlessly wondering as he leisurely surveyed the corridors. People were streaming in and out of the washrooms, and he secretly marveled at how more people were going in than coming out, and the washrooms seem to be just gobbling them up. He suddenly swerved his eyes to the LadiesÂ’ door, as though expecting to see a familiar face pop out through it. Due to his inexplicable lack of attention, he realized only too late that his foot had already reached the stairs. He began to fall forwards and grabbed his friendÂ’s sleeve instinctively to break his fall. Unfortunately, his unprepared, equally not-looking-where-he-was-going friend could only manage a yelp before dropping his laptop.
“Jesus Christ! Daniel! Watch where you’re going! If something happens to my wife, I’ll have you crucified!” Gabriel shot a daggered look at Daniel and then examined his laptop, caressing it tenderly.
“Sorry! I am really sorry. Did I break anything?” Daniel said most contritely.
Gabriel shot another “if only looks could kill” look and continued his loving administrations to his laptop, with a stance that was just screaming “Oh baby! Here, let dada kiss it all better!”
Andrew rolled his eyes immensely. He has so got to get used to Gabriel’s obsession with his laptop. Swinging his arm over Daniel’s shoulder, he whispered deliberately loudly, “Dude, schedule your erotic fantasy to another time. You don’t want to be murdered for that by a psychopath who always mistakes his laptop for his wife.”
Daniel chuckled as he watched Gabriel protest against AndrewÂ’s accusations. Daniel remembered how the three of them came to be such great friends. They had come from different families, secondary schools, junior college classes, and yet they had somehow crossed paths at the schoolÂ’s research attachment program, in which they discovered a share passion for Biology. They formed a project group and saw through it with plenty of laughter and hard work. The whole attachment proved to be both enriching and enjoyable, each of them having contributed to the numerous hilarious episodes. Like the time Andrew groped the mentorÂ’s butt in the dark room where they were shown how to develop X-ray films. As well as the time Gabriel tripped and sent the perfectly cast agarose gel sailing a perfectly parabolic trajectory path to the top of the labÂ’s radio. They extended their friendship beyond the laboratory to chilling out with each other on weekends, due to a contagious lack of girlfriends. Actually, he suspected that Andrew was chasing a girl in their second year, but Andrew had kept the juicy details jealously guarded. And Gabriel was too shy and unconfident of himself to approach this other cute girl who caught his eye. Whatever it was, they had been good brothers ever since, and thankfully, all three of them decided to pursue further education in Biology.
“Daniel! Can you, like, crawl faster or something?” Andrew turned and saw Daniel almost lost in the crowd and his own world.
Andrew had always been the most energetic and talkative among them. He had an acid-tongue, and a sharp wit for ammunition, forever having something insultingly humorous to dig at someone. He was, Daniel had to admit grudgingly, rather good looking too, and has always been the focus of female attention.
“Hey, I think I’ll just wait here for you guys. Too long to crawl,” Daniel winked at Andrew.
“Yeah, sure old man. You just sit there and don’t go roaming about. Be back to collect you. And hold my wife for me,” handing his laptop to Daniel, Gabriel suddenly pulled it back into his arms and continued, “Don’t let me see you drop it again or I’ll-“
“Crucify me. Yes, I get it,” Daniel said dryly.
Gabriel followed Andrew up the stairs. Daniel sat sown at the study table and placed the laptop by his side. He smiled incredulously to himself. He had known Gabriel for a long time but he didn’t realize that Gabriel was a man very protective of his treasured possessions, for Gabriel had always been a mild-tempered guy. His temperament had always been as calm as a sheltered lake, gently rippling in sync with his circadian rhythms. Indeed, he had never seen Gabriel get angry or upset over anything at all. It seemed like nothing could move him. Yet ever since Gabriel bought that laptop, he had been unfathomably attached to it, and his emotional tides rose and fell according to the welfare of his “wife”. Daniel wondered if his friend would show the same devotion to his future girlfriend. It would be such a sight to behold, he was sure of it. In fact, he was also absolutely certain that the Andrew-in-love would be equally, if not surpassingly, phenomenal. He could almost imagine Andrew teasing the hell out of his girl, balancing her thinly on the verge of crying and laughing. He could scarcely believe how any girl is able to handle a guy you can love and hate at the same time.
Daniel could hardly suppress a grin as he pictured his friends holding their girls and gazing tenderly at them. He mentally added himself to the picture, but he needed a girl. What kind of girl? A face began to solidify in his mental sketchpad. Long hair, fringe delicately caressing her brows. Eyes as innocently pure as a newborn childÂ’s, growing more sparkling with each blink. Daniel smiled as he replayed the girlÂ’s smile in his mind for the hundredth time. He had seen her on the first day of school, clasping her phone in both wavering hands and looking around anxiously. He remembered they were all waiting for their turn to be matriculated and there was a massive crowd outside the halls. People were standing with their cliques and chatting excitedly. And then he saw her, backed to a pillar by a stream of people alighting from the shuttle bus. He remembered how her head was lowered in a rather defensive manner, flinching every now and then when someone brushed past her, frowning ever so slightly. She only managed a flicker of a smile when a senior handed her a can of coca cola. Daniel breathed a sigh of amusement when he recalled how cute he had thought that lip-nibbling girl was at that time. He never figured out what hit him but when he saw her again at the library, he was mightily surprised. There has got to be forty to fifty students in there, yet he had spotted her the instant he stepped in. it was almost as magical as the time he saw her on the first biochemistry lecture, amidst the three hundred faces.
“Hey!” a really loud voice shattered Daniel’s daydream and ear drums.
“What?!” Daniel snorted vindictively. This guy was always interrupting his blissful thoughts in the most destructive of ways.
“What what?” Andrew was taken aback by the hostility, “I’ve been calling you like three, four times?”
“Oh, sorry. I was just trying to recall if glycine is an acidic or basic amino acid,” Daniel said lamely, “Where’s Gab?”
Gabriel tapped his shoulder from the back and Daniel jumped. Gabriel picked up his laptop and hugged it to his chest, “What’s wrong with you? You haven’t been yourself the whole day. First that creepy smile, now this out-of-body experience thing. Don’t tell me you’re thinking about….” Gabriel contemplated his words for a moment while Daniel held his breath in suspense, “what to buy for me for Christmas already?” Gabriel beamed.
“Er yeah, I was thinking of getting the anti-wrinkly moisturizer for your wide. She needs to conceal those scratch lines, “Daniel retaliated.
“She does not!” Gabriel scrawled very much insultedly.
“According to my professional analysis,” Andrew spoke in a deeper than usual voice, “there can only be one reason why Daniel is acting as if he is in love, and that is he hasn’t been getting enough sleep and vitamin C.”
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with me!” Daniel denied vehemently, “and if anyone is not getting enough sleep, it’s Andy over here,” Daniel strangled Andrew’s neck with his arm, “so why did you not come online to send me that mp3 like you promised? I couldn’t even get you on the phone. What, may I ask, were you doing on the twenty second of February, 2006, around eleven pm to one forty-five am? You may choose to remain silent, but anything you say would be held against you,” Daniel waited through slitted eyes for an explanation to why he got ditched by a trusted friend.
“Dude, relax. I’ve saved you the file while I was chatting over the phone last night,” Andrew stuffed a thumb-drive into Daniel’s hand, confident that this would appease his friend, “I never forgot a promise,” he said, flashing his eyebrows.
“Actually, you promised to meet me online, and not leave me to wait like an idiot, killing my patience and brain cells trying to call you. Are you going to compensate me for my beauty sleep deprivation, or do I have to call your parents who did you cal anyway? Which girl is more important than sending your cute, adorable friend his mp3?” Daniel demanded schemingly.
“Nah, of course she isn’t the same as you bro, but uh, well, I wanted to call you when I was done, but I thought I shouldn’t kindle the wrath of a sleeping handsome by waking him up,” Andrew never forgot to dig at his friend, even though he was supposed to be apologizing.
“Alas, my importance pales in comparison to the fair lady. Pray, tell, who might the damsel be?” Daniel dramatized a little as he spoke.
“I wouldst bare mine heart to thee, yet time is our enemy, and we must nay tarry here. The locker expedition has rendered us slaves to time. Let us hence, to the barracks where-“
“Okay okay, you win. Now let’s hurry for lunch, you have lessons later right?” Daniel glanced around for signs of Gabriel, whom, he spotted by the pillar behind them. Gabriel was energetically engaged in a highly animated conversation with a rather pretty pony-tailed girl. In fact, Gabriel was so animated, he seemed to be conversing in some kind of tribal sign language.
“Sorry to interrupt this delicious chat, but Gab, Andrew’s going miss lunch if u continued to chat till kingdom comes.” Daniel peer-pressured Gabriel to bid adieu and the threesome paced towards the canteen. They weaved their way through the unusually crowded canteen and procured for themselves a table, littered inconsiderately by its previous occupants. But they were desperate in the race against time to be picky.
Queuing for his food in an impossibly long queue, Daniel let his eyes wonder around the buzzing of the canteen. There was order in the chaos, and it was almost entertaining to watch people follow the “traffic rules” in the crowded canteen. Suddenly, he caught sight of the girl he had been sort of thinking about today. He tried not to stare, but found himself do the look-don’t look-look routine every three steps she took. He took a step forward in the moving queue and turned his eyes back to the girl. He let out a silent gasp when he saw her glance his way and they exchanged eye contact for a split of a second. And then, it was gone. She fleeted her eyes away as naturally as if she had just locked eye contact with a stranger.
I think she still doesnÂ’t remember me; Daniel thought rather hopelessly and gave a most disconcerting sigh.
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ah yes... that's what my friend said also... i've tried to use simple words in the subsequent chapters. thanks for the comment.Originally posted by TooFree:At this initial stage, I can't tell the plot of your story and how you intend to paragraph them subsquently to bring out the ups and downs but I can offer you my honest opinion at this preliminary stage.
The usage of language is too exhibitionistic and literary for my liking to follow through on your story development. You tend to emphasize too much on the graciousness use of words which shift the gravity of the story-telling away. Try using them only at strand to bring out a sentence elegantly. I guess literati will be more appreciative towards your work than ordinary readers. -
Bleu, did you know I have a half-written play about school life lying somewhere?
though.. mine's based on real-life situations.
I think you're writing the plot based on a visual you have in mind, something like a reverse movie script-writing.
We tend to fall into too much details at times, so ease up and let the readers explore how they might want the characters to appear in their mind's eye..
Okay la, I think it's quite good already, most people do not even write much anymore.. -
can i see it please? and are you beta-ing my chapters???Originally posted by LazerLordz:Bleu, did you know I have a half-written play about school life lying somewhere?
though.. mine's based on real-life situations. 
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haven't completed. when it's done at least halfway, then i might let u see.Originally posted by starblue:can i see it please? and are you beta-ing my chapters??? -
dun liddat lah... let me see lah. i may help u with it also.. i once wrote 3 pages of play. then i abandoned it cos i tot it sucked like hell.Originally posted by LazerLordz:haven't completed. when it's done at least halfway, then i might let u see. -
kk wait till I get home.Originally posted by starblue:dun liddat lah... let me see lah. i may help u with it also.. i once wrote 3 pages of play. then i abandoned it cos i tot it sucked like hell.
i think a play can only be seen as sucky or decent after the whole thing, not after 3 pages.