What do you find the most challenging in a r/s?
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my sentiments exactly.Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:I think if my partner needs me to pander to his needs/wants ALL the time in order to feel that I love him a lot and think the rship is an important part of my life .... then I think he really needs to grow up and have a lot more confidence in himself.
my belief is that everyone should be responsible for their own happiness. they cannot pin that responsibility on any one person, and blame that person for ruining his/her life. -
edited
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what do you put as the first priority in ur life then?Originally posted by starblue:why must everyone put a rs in the first priority??
why??
if i don't put him first in my life, does that means i don't love him that much? what does "that much" mean anyway?
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haiz...Originally posted by Simpleheat:Temptation and communication s the most challenging in a r/s!!!
Recently ,I met a gal who is both physically and character wise better than my ger... Really hard to believe can met such perfect gal! But I tell myself to be responsible and loving to my ger... Of cos,sometimes will think of the gal too. Cos she is so perfect!
Hmm, do you talk about this girl with your girlfren? Now I can think of another challenging thing, it is when you hear your other half going on and on about how perfect the other girl is and start comparing the both of you. My ex used to do that and it sucks. Thing is I do not know how to tell him to stop talking abt her w/o coming across as jealous and possesive.
So I guess it is all back to communication. -
..... For people who is not needy and independent will want to have lots of personal space. He/she need to find someone who can complement him/her. Or else the relationship will be doomed. Is your "personal space" equal to ''freedom to do what you want?" In "freedom" i meant will you allow your boyfriend to go out one to one with his close female friend. Like wise do you expect him to allow you to do the same?Originally posted by starblue:both. when i say "personal space", i am referring to my own world. to not have to change every aspect of my "previous, single" life to accomodate for this rs together.
take for instance, i love to go to the library to read for an entire afternoon on some saturdays. when i a rs, i hope that he will understand that need and not expect me to give that up for a date with him. he can join me in the reading, but don't expect me to entertain him during that time.
(but of cos, him accompanying me in reading and really truly loving it would be a point for me to love him all the more. but that's another point.)
..... To go to the library by your own don't generate any challenge to the relationship as going one on one with the opposite sex. Basically library can considered a safe heaven compare to one on one outing.
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if u truly understand her/him , then u will know that he/she requires the space at that moment ? true or not ~Originally posted by starblue:what, to you, is committment?
in response to your statement, i believe that you should never strife to "truly" understand your partner. sometimes, when your guy/gal is undergoing some trouble, they don't want you to probe, or do anything. sometimes all they need is space.
honestly speaking , i dun really know how to explain what is real commitment. Because i have yet to even commit myself in a relationship or to be commited throughout the entire process. Thats why it is so hard and why relationship fails when there is not 'commitment' . It doesnt mean u have to really sacrifice everything , maybe compromise but still being commited in the whole process. -
..... Well..if you don't give your relationship the priority, how are you to know that this guy is truly meant for you? In relationship stage both party are still getting to know each other and anything can happened. Of cos by giving your r/s the priority doesn't mean you have to give up other aspects of your life. When you got into a r/s with a guy, i am sure you are looking for the prospect of marrige, spending the rest of your life with him.Originally posted by starblue:why must everyone put a rs in the first priority??
why??
if i don't put him first in my life, does that means i don't love him that much? what does "that much" mean anyway?
When you are looking at your potential partner wouldn't you want the best for him? Or you are saying all your friends come first then follow by him. Put it in his shoes, one day he said to you"My friends' needs come first then follow by you, they are more important than you, but i still love you" Do you feel good hearing this words?
You mentioned on the other post about not truly strifing to probe your partner if he/she was in trouble, why not? As a partner i think it is alright to show concern when the other party is in trouble right? For example your boyfriend lost his handphone and was very upset about it becos it contained alot of important informations. As his girlfriend, you mean you don't try to offer some help, or at least show some words of concern? -
hmmz rainee having problems in the relationship already??
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that much means much.Originally posted by starblue:why must everyone put a rs in the first priority??
why??
if i don't put him first in my life, does that means i don't love him that much? what does "that much" mean anyway?
if priority isn't there, it shws that u love other stuffs more than the r/s and resulting in lower commitments.
of course r/s won't be my first for now because i believe my family and studies are the most impt things i hv. -
wow... why do i feel like most questions are directed at me?Originally posted by rainee:what do you put as the first priority in ur life then?
i don't have a "first" priority. i value a few things at a relatively equal amount. these things include:
my personal space
family
friends
boyfriend (if any)
studies and tuitions comes second.
so if say, my guy and my close friend wanna go out with me at the same time, i'll see who has more pressing issues (if any, like wants listening ear) or who asked me first. so it doesnt mean that just because my guy asked me to go out with him then everytime i will postpone other committments for him.
i hope this clears things up.
edited: typo -
of cos i will allow my guy to go on one to one dates with his close gal friends. because i myself have a few close guy friends whom i go for dinners with, and sometimes for movies. (of cos if i have a bf, then i'll ask him to go watch show with me first. if he not available, or not interested then i will ask guy friends lah).Originally posted by NeverSayGoodBye:..... For people who is not needy and independent will want to have lots of personal space. He/she need to find someone who can complement him/her. Or else the relationship will be doomed. Is your "personal space" equal to ''freedom to do what you want?" In "freedom" i meant will you allow your boyfriend to go out one to one with his close female friend. Like wise do you expect him to allow you to do the same?
..... To go to the library by your own don't generate any challenge to the relationship as going one on one with the opposite sex. Basically library can considered a safe heaven compare to one on one outing.
and in turn, i hope my guy will understand my need for my guy friends. i trust that he will not do any hanky panky behind my back, and i expect the same trust. besides, i will make sure my guy knows that i can only love one guy at a time. so if it's him, it's only him. -
Originally posted by hisoka:hmmz rainee having problems in the relationship already??
I got mention that anywhere in my posts meh? I am mainly talking abt some of my thoughts and opinions...and oso abt some of my past experiences.
And is there a time period to not have problems in the r/s? It can arise anytime and anywhere, what's important is how to solve it. -
response to first qn: why do you have to give a rs the first priority to know if he's the right one??? i dun get this...Originally posted by NeverSayGoodBye:Well..if you don't give your relationship the priority, how are you to know that this guy is truly meant for you?
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When you are looking at your potential partner wouldn't you want the best for him?
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You mentioned on the other post about not truly strifing to probe your partner if he/she was in trouble, why not? As a partner i think it is alright to show concern when the other party is in trouble right? For example your boyfriend lost his handphone and was very upset about it becos it contained alot of important informations. As his girlfriend, you mean you don't try to offer some help, or at least show some words of concern?
for sec qn, refer to previous post.
last qn: probing and showing concern are two different things all together. personally, when i am feeling down, i want my guy (or any close friend for that matter) to show concern. just a simple,"hey, you dont seem like your usual self today. anything wrong?" would suffice.
but i wouldnt want them to probe. sometimes, i just cant talk about certain issues when they are still raw (as in just happened only). and i appreciate it if they just leave me alone to sulk for a while, and come up with a solution for myself. i will be back to the bouncy, happy me once it is over, and then they can ask me what happened. if i need advice, i will ask.
that was what i mean when i say partners shouldnt probe when their guy/gal is down. but i guess this is rather subjective, and not meant for everyone... sorry about that. -
OWNED... he hehe
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..... On the other hand, must your boyfriend tell you everytimes he went out with his close female friends? Or unwittingly you found out through a friend that your boyfriend went out with his female friends without your knowledge, will you angry with him? even though all this outings are innocence?Originally posted by starblue:of cos i will allow my guy to go on one to one dates with his close gal friends. because i myself have a few close guy friends whom i go for dinners with, and sometimes for movies. (of cos if i have a bf, then i'll ask him to go watch show with me first. if he not available, or not interested then i will ask guy friends lah).
and in turn, i hope my guy will understand my need for my guy friends. i trust that he will not do any hanky panky behind my back, and i expect the same trust. besides, i will make sure my guy knows that i can only love one guy at a time. so if it's him, it's only him. -
To remember to be kind to each other
When you've been with a person long enough that you know his every
idiosyncrasy, his flaws & weaknesses, and of late he seems to be pushing all your wrong buttons so frequently that you're thinking "how in hell did I ever end up with ..."
Take a step back and remember to be kind. He's only human. Didn't he give you a back rub last night? Don't take each other for granted!
/guilty"" -
yup...one of the most challenging things is oso how to remember the good times you have had with him once sth goes wrong...u will start focussing on all the bad things only...Originally posted by choco B:To remember to be kind to each other
When you've been with a person long enough that you know his every
idiosyncrasy, his flaws & weaknesses, and of late he seems to be pushing all your wrong buttons so frequently that you're thinking "how in hell did I ever end up with ..."
Take a step back and remember to be kind. He's only human. Didn't he give you a back rub last night? Don't take each other for granted!
/guilty"" -
..... If you don't give your realtionship the priority, how discerning are you to know that you truly love this guy to move to the next level? By giving him the priority, you also could see whether he reciprocate or appreciate your effort enough for you to decide he deserve your love or not. Guys have feeling too, if he sense that you are not giving him the priority, he take it that he is not an important part of your life. This in turn will caused him to hold back his love for you, he will mistaken that you are not really into the relationship. If you can't get your priority right, you might lose somebody who is right for you in the first place.Originally posted by starblue:response to first qn: why do you have to give a rs the first priority to know if he's the right one??? i dun get this...
for sec qn, refer to previous post.
last qn: probing and showing concern are two different things all together. personally, when i am feeling down, i want my guy (or any close friend for that matter) to show concern. just a simple,"hey, you dont seem like your usual self today. anything wrong?" would suffice.
but i wouldnt want them to probe. sometimes, i just cant talk about certain issues when they are still raw (as in just happened only). and i appreciate it if they just leave me alone to sulk for a while, and come up with a solution for myself. i will be back to the bouncy, happy me once it is over, and then they can ask me what happened. if i need advice, i will ask.
that was what i mean when i say partners shouldnt probe when their guy/gal is down. but i guess this is rather subjective, and not meant for everyone... sorry about that.
..... I agreed with your earlier post that to find a guy who can give you lots of personal space is far and few. I have friends who quit this kind of relationship because they find this type of girls hard to love, even though they possess self confidence and no lack of inferior complex. They find it hard to accept sometimes when they saw their girlfriends treat their close guy friends better than him. The feeling can be damned lousy even though they knew her personality well -
oh no! i'm perfectly fine with him not telling me he is going out with another gal friend. just dun let me see any hanky panky loh...Originally posted by NeverSayGoodBye:..... On the other hand, must your boyfriend tell you everytimes he went out with his close female friends? Or unwittingly you found out through a friend that your boyfriend went out with his female friends without your knowledge, will you angry with him? even though all this outings are innocence? -
like i said, my guy wun be my ONLY first priority. that doesnt mean he isnt one of them. wasnt my illustration earlier clear enough? or is that not even enough for a guy? perhaps i'm taking this approach cos once i placed a guy in the first priority in my life, and it wasnt reciprocated. so now i feel that (at least) for the initial stages of the rs, i shouldnt put him as the only first.Originally posted by NeverSayGoodBye:..... If you don't give your realtionship the priority, how discerning are you to know that you truly love this guy to move to the next level? By giving him the priority, you also could see whether he reciprocate or appreciate your effort enough for you to decide he deserve your love or not. Guys have feeling too, if he sense that you are not giving him the priority, he take it that he is not an important part of your life. This in turn will caused him to hold back his love for you, he will mistaken that you are not really into the relationship. If you can't get your priority right, you might lose somebody who is right for you in the first place.
..... I agreed with your earlier post that to find a guy who can give you lots of personal space is far and few. I have friends who quit this kind of relationship because they find this type of girls hard to love, even though they possess self confidence and no lack of inferior complex. They find it hard to accept sometimes when they saw their girlfriends treat their close guy friends better than him. The feeling can be damned lousy even though they knew her personality well
and you got me wrong. i will not treat my guy friends better than my guy. i have clear demarcations where guy friends are concerned. and i will make sure my guy knows he's on a totally different level from other guy friends. -
..... Hmmm.. very trusting indeed. Does your trust extend to revealing of information like, must your boyfriend inform you that he got an extra handphone(for work purposes) but wouldn't want you to know the number. Or he subscribed to other internet accounts or e-mail accounts without wanting you to know. Will you probe into it or have full trust that all these are innocence?Originally posted by starblue:oh no! i'm perfectly fine with him not telling me he is going out with another gal friend. just dun let me see any hanky panky loh... -
.....Now i got the pictureOriginally posted by starblue:like i said, my guy wun be my ONLY first priority. that doesnt mean he isnt one of them. wasnt my illustration earlier clear enough? or is that not even enough for a guy? perhaps i'm taking this approach cos once i placed a guy in the first priority in my life, and it wasnt reciprocated. so now i feel that (at least) for the initial stages of the rs, i shouldnt put him as the only first.
and you got me wrong. i will not treat my guy friends better than my guy. i have clear demarcations where guy friends are concerned. and i will make sure my guy knows he's on a totally different level from other guy friends. here are two questions;
Your boyfriend of two years and a closed guy friends of five years who lost their job simutaneously and both were very miserable. Which one do you concole and give more attention to?
You also mentioned that you had some close guys pal. What happened if one of them you know for say.. three years show an interest in you. But you ONLY want to be just friend. How will you handle in such a situation?
( 2nd qn abit off topic hope thread starter don't mind ) -
This is like those.... ur friend jump into sea and i jump then both dont know how to swim.. who u wanna save first?!!
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.....LOL..your question involved life and death, for mine is just a challenge to the relationship according to the thread postedOriginally posted by ShrodingersCat:This is like those.... ur friend jump into sea and i jump then both dont know how to swim.. who u wanna save first?!! -
Well... in severe cases, depression IS a matter of life and death....