Laughter....The Best Medicine!
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THAT"S A THREAT!!
A cowboy rides into town and stops at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals have a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finishes his drink, he finds his horse has been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you yahoos stole my horse?" he yells forcefully.
No one answers.
"All right!! I'm going to have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm going to have to do what I did back in Texas...and I
don't LIKE having to do what I did in Texas!"
The locals now get a bit nervous..
The cowboy has another beer, and then walks outside to find that his horse has been returned. He saddles up and starts to ride out of town. As he does, the bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say, partner, before you go.......tell us, what exactly did you do back in Texas?''
The cowboy turned back and says sheepishly, "Oh, I had to walk home." -
JUDGEMENT CALL...
Three Texan cowboys get drunk and end up n jail. They then find out that they are to be executed for their crimes--but none of them can remember what they have done.
The first one strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
The guards throw the switch nothing happens. They figure that God must not want this guy to die, and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words: "I'm from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe that justice will always intervene on the part of the innocent."
The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. The guards figure that the law is on this guy's side and also let him go.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm an electrical engineer--and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anyone if you don't connect those two wires first!!" -
Knock Knock....
Two guys leave a bar after a long night of drinking, jump in the car and start it up. After a few minutes, an old man appears by the passenger window and taps lightly on it. The passenger screams, "Look! There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver speeds up, but the old man's face stays in the window. The passenger rolls his window down and, scared out of his wits, says "What do you want?"
the old man replies, "Have you got any cigarette to spare?"
The passenger hands the man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calm down and start laughing again. The driver says, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry, the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there is light tapping on the window and the old man reappears.
"There he is again," the passenger yells.
He rolls down the window and shakily says, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man asks.
The passenger throw a lighter out the window and says to his friend, "Step on it!"
They are now driving at 100 kilometres an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen, when again the tapping occurs.
"Oh my god! He's back!" The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark terror,"What now?"
The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?" -
.....The baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: " You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." -
A guy is in a bar in a skyscraper high above the city, slamming tequilas.
He then suddenly jumps out of the window. The guy sitting next to him is shocked.
He is more surprise when, ten minutes later, the first guy walks back into the bar unscathed.
The astonished man ask,"How did you do that?"
The jumper responds in a slur, "Well, i don't know! when i jump, the tequila makes me slow down before i hit the ground, Watch."
He takes a shot, slams it down and jump out. The other man now watches as he falls until right before the ground, slows down
and lands softly on his feet.
The other guy now decides to try it too.
He drinks a shot, jump out of the window.......and goes splatt!!!!
The first guy now orders another shot, and the bartender says to him, "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman." -
i can imagine going slow mo... he he
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NICE!
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.....Murder In Black And White.....
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pull out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to 'panda' : "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves." -
Originally posted by Darkness_hacker99:NICE!
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really nice jokes there -
Lol!
Error: Message must be at least 8 characters long.
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.....The proposal.....
An elderly widow and widower had been dating for two years and finally, the man asked the woman's hand in marriage. "Yes," she immediately answered.
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what the answer was! After an hour of trying to remember, he called her to confess that he couldn't remember her answer.
"Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was." -
GETTING IT RIGHT......
Two man are walking home after a Halloween party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery for a laugh.
Halfway through, they are startled by a strange tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them says after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death--we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man mutters. "They misspelled my name!" -
Wrong, this....
A BUSINESSMAN was opening a new outlet and one of his friends sent him flowers. The bouquet duly arrived. But the buinessman was furious when he saw the card.
It read: "Rest in Peace." Angrily, he called the florist to complain.
The florist apologised profusely and said: "Sir, I'm really sorry. But rather than getting angry, just imagine this: Somewhere, there is a funeral taking place and they have flowers with a note that says "Congratulations on your new location." -
LOLOriginally posted by NeverSayGoodBye:Wrong, this....
A BUSINESSMAN was opening a new outlet and one of his friends sent him flowers. The bouquet duly arrived. But the buinessman was furious when he saw the card.
It read: "Rest in Peace." Angrily, he called the florist to complain.
The florist apologised profusely and said: "Sir, I'm really sorry. But rather than getting angry, just imagine this: Somewhere, there is a funeral taking place and they have flowers with a note that says "Congratulations on your new location."
i rikes this one -
Originally posted by Ferret:LOL
i rikes this one -
Ghost story
A woman goes to a psychic hoping to contact her dear, departed grandmother. The psychic's eyes begins fluttering and she starts moaning.
Eventually, a clear voice comes out of her and she says: "Granddaughter, it's me your grandmother."
The woman cannot believe her ears. "Grandma, is that you?" she asks.
"Yes my child, it's me."
"Are you absolutely sure it's you, Grandma?"
"Of course, it's me."
The woman pauses before she says: :Grandma, can i ask you a question?"
"Anything, my child."
"Grandma, when did you learn to speak English?" -
"I spat into this"
A guy walks into a bar and order a huge beer. After a while, he wants to go to the loo, but is afraid that someone will drink from his beer mug.
So he sets it on a table along with a note: "I spat into this beer."
He returns after a while. There's another note, next to his, and says: " Me too!!" -
http://jokediary.com/
they hv great jokes here!
new jokes everyday...check it out
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.....haha some jokes are real funny. Thanks!Originally posted by -hazardous-:http://jokediary.com/
they hv great jokes here!
new jokes everyday...check it out -
TAXI
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years -
IGNORING the concerns of friends and family that she's too old to cope, a 70-year-old uses fertility treatment to give birth to a baby boy.
After she leaves hospital, her relatives come to visit.
"Let's have a look at the baby," they said.
"Not yet," the 70-year-old replies.
Assuming he must be asleep, the relatives wait an hour then ask again,
"Can we see him now?"
"Not yet," the woman replies.
Two hours pass."Surely we can see the baby now?" the relative ask.
"No says the woman.
"So when exactly can we see him?" exclaim the relatives, growing suspicious.
"When he cries," replies the woman.
"Why do we have to wait until he cries?"
"Because I've forgotten where I put him." -
.....Bill Gates.....
Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a smart six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court.
Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into afterlife.
One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.
"That's really nice," says Bill.
"Where did you get it?"
"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."
"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the sick?" asks Bill.
"No, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Bill storms off to see Saint Peter.
"How come the captain of a sunken ships gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows operating system, get a crummy little house?" he asks.
Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once." -
I bought a new fridge to get rid of the old, I put
it on my front yard and hung a sign : "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one
person looking twice at it. I changed the sign to read :
"Fridge for sale $50." The next day it was stolen. -
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. For convenience, she keeps it in the trunk.