.....Knock it off
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. Gloria
said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my
hand, and I can't remember whether I'm putting it away, or starting
to make a sandwich."
Susan chimed in: "Sometimes I find myself on the stairs and
can't remember whether I'm going up or down."
Tessie responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that
problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table. Then, startled, she said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
The young buinessman.....
A young buinessman had just started his own firm.
He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with
antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the
outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the
buinessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal in the works.
He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the
visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
.....Heart attack.....
Finally... the truth after all the conflicting medical studies..
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
Conclusion... Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is what kills you.
.....Who's driving?
Two elderly women were in a car. When they came to an intersection, the stoplight was red but they just went right on through. Lilia, who was in the passenger seat, thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I swear we just went through a red light."
After a few minutes, they came to another red light, and again they went right through. Lilia was almost sure the light was red but still thought she was going senile.
At the next intersection, they again went through a red light.
"Amalia!" she cried. "Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row?!"
Amalia turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Buget Cuts
A young executive is leaving the office late one night
when he finds the CEO standing over the shredder
with a piece of paper in his hand.
"This is a very sensitive official document,"
says the CEO. "My secretry's gone for the night.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," says the junior exec as he turns on
the shredder and hits the start button.
"Great," says the CEO. "I just need one copy."