Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned mathematician, the other a great philosopher and the other one is an idiot.
Since heaven was packed, St Paul summoned the three of them that there is a test for each of them. They are supposed to ask Satan a question each and if the Satan can answer them, they will have to go to Hell. A seemingly awkward filtration system to heaven, but heck, it works.
So the mathematician having thought of a way to fool Satan stood up and ask Satan to write out the most complicated mathematical formula. Satan snapped his finger and out churned 100 papers in which all the most complicated mathematical formula known to mankind was written and well printed. The mathematician was doomed and hung his head as he traverses the bridge to hell.
Next, came the philosopher, and he too thought that maybe Satan was great in maths, but poor in philosophy, hence he summoned Satan to write him the toughest philosophical statement in history. Satan took a whiz of a snap and out churned 100 papers filled with different types of complicated philosophy from different cultures and in different language. The philosopher too hung his head in dismay and walked towards Hell.
Then came the idiot. He thought for a while and asked for a stool. In that stool, he poked 7 holes, 2 holes in the first row, 3 in the second row and 2 more on the last row. He then sat on it and gave out a loud fart, turned to Satan and asked him, from which hole did the fart came out from. Satan looked at him and gave a quick answer, I think it's the 2nd hole from the left in the 2nd row.
The idiot laughed out loud and said, NO Satan, you're wrong this time. The fart came out from my ARSEHOLE!
The idiot walked happily to the Pearly Gates...
A young chap passed away and went to heaven, stood before St Paul and was confronted with a question prior to entering the Pearly Gates (again, because it was packed).
St Paul questioned him on the name of God and gave him 2 days to find the answer. The young chap went off wandering and thinking of the answer day and night and finally came to the solution.
Proudly, he stood in front of St Paul. St Paul looked at him and said, well boy, what's the answer then?
Oh, the chap said, it's Howard!
St Paul, haven't the slightest idea looked at him and said, Howard? What makes you think it's howard?
The fellow said, simple! Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name......
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.
St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, 'I don't really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad either.'
'Tell you what,' St. Peter says. 'If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed you did in your life, I'll let you in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'OK, well there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me.
'So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron,' the guy says. 'Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!'
St. Peter, duly impressed, says 'Wow! When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago.'
Three blondes died together in an automobile accident on Easter Sunday. As they line up at the Pearly Gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...'
'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?'
The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.'
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?'
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.'
'Oh really?' says St. Peter, incredulously.
'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.'
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, 'Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.'
Watch who you marry!
Three pastors take their wives on a cruise. While out on the cruise, something happens to the boat and it sinks. The first pastor gets to the pearly gate and sees Peter standing there and says:
St. Peter, I'm here to get into heaven. St. Peter says not so fast brother, let me check my book to see if your in there. Peter looks all through the book and then sadly says, brother, I can't find your name anywhere. The pastor says, look again, it's just gotta be there. Peter looks again. I'm sorry brother but it's just not in the book. Let me place a call and see if there is a mix up. Peter calls God and is on the phone for 5 minutes. He hangs up and says to the pastor, Pastor I'm sorry but you can't enter heaven. It seems that for all the good you did, you had one fatal flaw. Well what was it Peter? You liked sweets too much. What said the Pastor. Yes, it would seem you liked sweets so much you married a woman named Candy.
The next pastor came up and asked Peter if he could enter heaven. Peter says wait a minute let me check the book. I'm sorry brother but your name isn't in the book either. Well look again Peter. Peter looks again. I'm sorry brother but I just don't see your name here. Well Peter place a call, there has to be some sort of mix up. Peter picks up the phone and calls God. He is on the phone another 5 minutes and hangs up. Peter says, brother, I'm sorry but you can't enter heaven either. Why not says the pastor. Well it would seem that for the good you did, you had one fatal flaw, you liked money too much. What said the pastor. Yes you did, it seemed that you liked money so much you married a woman named Penny.
The last pastor looked over at his wife and said "Fanny, we don't stand a chance."
