Pure Joke
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A man is dying of Cancer:
His son asked him, " Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Chinese Adam and Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because
Chinese would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake! -
lol at the first one
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Originally posted by king108:
[b]
[b]Chinese Adam and Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because
Chinese would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake![/b] -
Jokes Of Mr. Bean - wWw.AaCheYdOsT.cJb.neT Just for laugh, don't come after me..
1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean
crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure! -
the 1st 3 are good.
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Number 8
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lol Mr Bean only acts stupid
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These lot may no be that funny... You may have heard it before..
(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!
(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !
(3) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows
Men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas
Women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!
(4) First time traveller
A first time traveller was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"A xxxxxxx "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"
(5) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be
satisfied with self-service"
(6) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"
(7) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
( GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
(9) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."
(10) VIRGINOld lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "
(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything. -
LMAO..
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Pure Concidence...don't throw your towel because of this..
4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital while waiting for their wives birth giving.
Then a nurse came out and told to the first daddy,
"congratulation, you got twins!".
"Ohh.. maybe its a coincident" said the daddy. "I am working with the Petronas Twin Towers ".
Then another nurse came out and told to the second daddy,
"congratulation! you have triplets!"
"Wooow!, this is a coincident too" said the second daddy. ? "I am working for 3M Corporation"
Another nurse came out and told the third daddy?
"Congratulation! Isteri you dapat kembar empat,"
"Alhamdulillah! Maybe this is also a coincident". "I kerja di Four Season Hotel!"
While, the fourth daddy-to-be were in uncontrolled worry.
All the 3 daddies asked him,
why are you seems so worry??"
He answered, "I am working with Seven-Eleven!" -
That is how you going to answer your kids question??? In the far future...
"Daddy , how did I come into this world?"
"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you anyway. "
"So why not today? Please!"
"OK, but listen carefully. Mom and dad met each other in a cyber cafe.
In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom.
Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick.
When mom finished downloading we discovered we used no firewall.
Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus! OK ?" -
Italian on bus
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror
as one of the men says the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Two asses, dey come together.
I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again.
I come again and
pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." -
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[*]Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
[*]We need someone who is responsible. "I'm the one you want, everytime anything went wrong, they said I'm responsible."
[*]Doctor, how I do cure my wife who stays up all night until 5 in the morning?"
"What is she doing at that time?"
"Waiting for me to come back." -
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Must first
Subject: Medical Knowledge
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class
with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine,
it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention." -
My jokes are no getting laughters anymore..
and I was told to work harder to earn some laughers . I was told to upgrade my skill to get my minimum increment.. 
Hence I do this to have more coverage lah.
1. Customer (in a restaurant): How long do you expect me to wait for my half chicken?
Waiter : Well sir, you'll have to wait untill someone orders the other half. We just can't possibly kill half a bird.
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2. A man went to the bank and approached the bank officer: "Can you tell me what a joint account is? My wife and I would like to open one."
The bank officer replied, "Well, a joint account is one where the husband makes all the deposits and the wife does all the withdrawing."
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Hubby: Darling, I don't think you can ever train that dog to obey you.
Wife: Nonsence Dear, remember how stubborn you were when we first got married?
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4. A beggar stood in a crowded area, with a hat in each hand.
A passerby stopped and dropped a coin in one hat, then asked, "Whats the other hat for?"
"Business has been so good lately, that i've decided to open a branch office."
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5. A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
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6. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
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7. Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird & says "1st gear, 2nd gear...".
Man 2 : My wife is worse, she puts my bird inside her and says "Full Tank Please".
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8. The absent-minded judge went to the dentist and said, "Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"
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the best jokes are those short short not more than 3 sentence type. too long winded, people might not has patience to read till the end.
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Thanks for reminding me..I will go and look around..Meantime, maybe you can encourage people to drop in with fresh jokes..
I will work harder..
but no promise, because most of my jokes are long winged type..else it may have turned yellowish.. -
Can't find shorter words...watch it yourself..
http://media.hugi.is/hahradi/fyndnar/bijdekapper.wmv