Jokes of Singapore
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Ah Beng talks about Singapore history and current affairs...
Under the 'ang mo' we all live happily together, no complain.
Malaysia & Singapore is one big family in our brains.
One day we both like 2 durians cannot get along.
Got sharp thorns, poke each other, until 'buay song.'
One moment like brothers, can give and take.
Next moment we kena kicked out by the leg.
Wah! Our towkay also cry like mad,
we all also feel very very sad.
Our neigbours all say, 'Wah they all sure to die!
They got nothing, how to get next bowl of rice?'
So 'boh pian,' we all work day and night.
We also join the army so that we can fight.
We don't care others 'see us no up'.
But actually inside we very pain in the heart.
Then slowly hor we grow rich and a bit fat.
Now others talk about us also got some respect.
They scratch their heads and say
'Very funny! Got nothing how come they can still make money?'
Last time also got no money to buy ice-cream cone.
Nowadays even small kids can also afford hand phone.
Sea port, airport also can become Number One.
He! He! Sometimes think about it also very fun.
But some people look at us also not happy.
Actually they jealous don't want to say only.
So every time their country got something wrong.
They all say Singapore's behind it all along.
Everybody know we water no enough.
They turn off tap only we all cannot last.
They threaten us with water supply and shout 'Cut! Cut! Cut!'
Aiyoh! They all think the water is one big ketupat.
We all hear already also 'buay tahan'
Wah liao, they think we small can makan!
But now they 'cow pay cow bu' we all not very scared.
We want to build water desalination plant already so not so bad.
But their own economy now all go bust.
Got to sell water otherwise money no enough.
Then another neighbor say Singapore no friend friend,
Got so much money, a bit more also donno how to lend.
They say we all only one small red dot,
like the center of a big dartboard.
Maybe they think we mouse and they cat,
that's why they suka suka anyhow talk like that.
But we all still send them a lot of rice.
Show the world we actually very very nice.
Sometimes we 'cho ho sim' also kena whack.
But we all gentleman wan, don't want to fight back.
I think hor maybe they don't understand us very well.
That's why relationship sometimes like heaven sometimes like hell
Some say aiyah our prosperity is all due to luck,
that's why we all siao siao' can still win the Tiger Cup
I think hor, Singapore is like chilli padi in a pot -
Size small small but still very very hot.
The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?
When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)
When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?
When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)
When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!
When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)
At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!
When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend) -
Top 10 reasons why there are no sex scandals in Singapore...
10. Can't even be naked in own home, how to have sex?
9. Ah Lians don't exactly turn our leaders on.
8. Our leaders are cloned; no need for sex.
7. Hotels in Geylang no longer allowed to rent out rooms by the hour.
6. Sex not one of the 5 C's.
5. Oral sex still illegal in Singapore.
4. SPGs only go for foreigners.
3. Kiasee - don't want to get AIDS
2. Amended Women's Charter can bankrupt adulterous men.
1. And the number one reason why there are no sex scandals...Still confused over condoms and condos.
Two British men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they each took gentlemanly turns with the lady.
Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island - the two fought and one killed the other to have the lady.
Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they both had the lady together.
Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they killed the lady to have each other.
Two Australian men and a lady stranded on a desert island both dug until they found COLD beer, drunk and passed out before they get to the lady.
Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island the two are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT -
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One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.
However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.
However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"
At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, "Clean that up!" -
3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!
They started to ran like they never did before. At the 80 meter mark, the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted, 'Long live the Queen' and died.
At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted, 'Banzai' and died.
Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m... ... Bang! He, too, was shot down.
Before he died, he shouted, 'KAYU LAH!!' One meter also no discount!' -
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA ... even my balls are laughing.
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more more more!!
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The MP was making his rounds through the Sembawang kampung area. In Ah Chye's kampung house, the MP noticed a pig with a wooden leg hobbling about.
"Excuse me," the MP said to ah Chye, "but why does that pig have a wooden leg?"
"Oh, it's like this, sir... one night a robber entered our household, tied all of us up, stole our jewelry and was about to escape when the pig came out of nowhere, attacked the robber and saved us all."
"Oh, I see," said the MP uncertainly, "but I still don't understand. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"Oh, it's like this, sir... There was a fire when we were all out to the cinema at Chong Pang. The pig alerted our neighbors, ran around organizing a water bucket system and helped the firemen put out the fire."
The MP was getting quite frustrated. "Listen, Mr Chye, That is all very interesting, but I still don't understand why the pig has a wooden leg."
"Oh, it's like this, sir..." Ah Chye said. "We used to have an old well. One day, our little daughter fell down the well. The pig jumped in, saved our girl, covered the well with planks and we never had that trouble again."
The MP shouted, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Why does that damn pig have a wooden leg?"
Ah Chye appeared absolutely unfazed. "Well, you know," he said finally, "with a pig that good, how can you eat it all at once..." -
How Singapore got its name
Version 1 : When Raffles stepped out of his boat on to Boat Quay, a man was running by announcing the birth of his son in hokkien. 'see ta poh, see ta poh'
Version 2 : I thought the story was like this : The malay/indian king, Parameswara, was sleeping under a tree and was dreaming. He was rudely awakened by an animal resembling a lion. So, out of shock, he screamed ' Singa porda ! Singa porda ' (which means, 'lion, get lost!')
Version 3 : When Raffles sailed up the Singapore river for the first time, a malay lady was bathing in the river, having left her clothes on the river bank. A singh came by and stole her clothes. The upset lady started shouting after him, 'Singh Kapoh, Singh Kapoh'...
Version 4 :'Singapore' was actually translated from the name 'Singapura' in Bahasa Malaysia. Story goes that there was a prince that came to our island many many years ago, on an exploration trip. Then he suddenly saw a lion and he named our island 'Singapura', which means lion.
Imagine if he had seen a pig instead of a lion. ('pig' in Malay is 'Babi') -
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tis prove that proper english can nvr be comparing wif singlish.Originally posted by mhcampboy:The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?
When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)
When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?
When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)
When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!
When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)
At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!
When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend)
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wth more of those British, American, Singaporean etc. ones
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Language no important...the content is really good..keep it up..
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my ears are vibrating
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SIBEI HO CHIO~!
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More! -
During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.
That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.
The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.
Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.
Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."
Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."
"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself
"Aim..."
"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! " -
Since 1-April-97, competition has been very keen in Singapore's cellular phone market due to the new entrant M1. Before that, there was only one operator, that's why no one covers more of Singapore than Singtel Mobile, absolutely no one.
AMPS was the first system that Singtel launched, an Ageing Mobile Phone System. After that they realized that the system is outdated and they put up another system ETACS which the subscribers were not very happy about because it was Extremely Tough to Access Call System. Then came the 2nd generation cellular technologies, which Singtel was working with Ericsson to implement - GSM. After some time, Singtel found that things are Getting Slightly Messy, so they decided it was time to go into 3rd generation technology, PCN. However it is a very Poor Coverage Network and every time subscriber wants to make a call, they Phui Chao Nua because they can't get thru.
So Singtel decides to rename PCN to the GSM1800 Network, or Get Some More Idiotic Bums Onto Our Network.
M1 initially also use GSM and they learned from Singtel's experience that GSM is not so good either, so M1 goes for CDMA, after several delays in the official launching, M1 knows that this so-called advanced system Can't Do Much Anyway. -
WHY DID THE CHICKENS CROSS THE ROAD?? various answers...singapore style...
Chee Soon Juan - Did I say that the chicken crossed the road? I meant the chicken-rice stall across the road, but left out some letters because of typo.
SDP vice-chairman - wo ting bu dong ni jiang shen me. (I don't know what you are saying).
Ling How Doong - don't talk cock.
Worker's Party - The PAP doesn't allow chickens to cross the road.
Chiam See Tong - The opposition must be loyal to Singapore. Don't eat Hainanese chicken rice. Eat Singapore noodles.
Ling How Doong - don't talk cock.
Chee Soon Juan - Did I say eat Hainanese chicken rice? I said CONSUME chicken rice at the stall across the road.
PAP - There is no chicken rice stall across the road.
Worker's Party - That is not true. The PAP just doesn't want chickens to cross the road.
Chiam See Tong - We must always stay on this side of the road and remain true Singaporeans.
Ling How Doong - don't talk cock.
Chee Soon Juan - Did I say consume chicken rice across the road? I said eat chicken rice OPPOSITE the road.
PAP - You said something different just a moment ago.
Ling How Doong - Don't talk cock. We didn't say it.
Chee Soon Juan - I have already repeated this sentence many times. I said, EAT chicken rice ALONG the road.
more below.... -
PM Goh:
What does being a chicken mean? Does it mean that if the chicken does not get to cross the road it will feel less than part of the coop? No. That must not be so. We are all chickens here and we must work together as chickens. We must want to stay in the coop, not because the coop provides us shelter, but because we are all chickens. Understand our chicken history to know that we have come to far from those bad days when we were just running around like unruly kampung chickens and not being hot housed as well-disciplined and efficient battery hens. We have to make sacrifices, but at the same time we support each other. So that if we ask you to give up the idea of crossing the road, you will understand that it is for the good of the coop. Only together as a coop can we stay cohesive.
Lim Boon Heng:
As a working chicken you must understand that crossing roads is not for you. It is meant for the professional chickens. These chickens are far and few in between and will require even corn on the other side of the road to cross our roads because they can cross roads anywhere in the world they choose. So for the greater good of the coop, please understand that crossing roads is not meant for you. And while you're at it can you please take a wage freeze?
BG Yeo:
This is because the chicken is sensitive to the multi-racial nature of its society and although it understands each culture is different, it also realizes that it must live within society. So it compromises. It finds some values -- a little from the Chinese, a little from the Indians, something from the Malays -- something uniquely Singaporean, and eventually it gathers the energy, the wider vision, the impetus to cross the road.
SM Lee:
(1996)
This is Asia. As young chickens, chase the rainbow and cross the roads here. Opportunities abound. You might get run down by cars in the process of crossing these roads, especially those in Myanmar, but it doesn't matter. For ten thousand who get run down one might reach it across -- and at the end of that rainbow -- there will be your dream. So it baffles me when they tell me that they want to cross other roads, elsewhere, because it is here that road crossing should be done.
BG Lee:
The chicken is a liar, a twister and a prevaricator and not only should he be run down, but he should also be defeathered, boiled and skinned-alive as an example for all other chickens to see and that will teach them a lesson in road crossing and typo errors. -
A: Because it was a Singaporean chicken and the PAP told it to cross.
A: Because it wanted to get to MRT station on the PAP side of the road.
A: How did you know the chicken REALLY crossed the road - don't be naive and believe everything you read in the local press.
A: I don't know, I'm doing science, not arts.
A: Why are you asking him? Only MPs who graduate from Ivy League universities are qualified to comment on the real reason why the chicken crossed the street.
A: The chicken did not speak English or Mandarin and was therefore unable to get on the sedan chair and be carried across the street.
A: Free textbooks available across the street?
A: Will it be on the exam?
No chicken ever crossed the road. You think the chicken crossed the road because you see the chicken rice stall opposite the road. The statistics showed that an average of 93.408 people cross this road daily over the past year, of which 5.325% did not use the pedestrian crossing last month and were duly caught and fined. 70.874% stopped at the chicken rice stall to take their lunch of which 41.366% packaged it home.
But there are there are no data showing any chicken ever crossed the road. Let's get real. How can a chicken ever cross the road? It will be killed by the traffic before it made even half the way. Don't let the SDP mislead you with false data.
Even though no chicken ever crossed the road, but through the sound policies of the PAP government over the years, the chicken rice stall continues to enjoy good growth. And people continue to enjoy good and high quality chicken rice daily. So if you give the government your full backing, you can be assured of eating more years of chicken rice even though no chicken ever crossed the road. -
