Series of Jokes
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Marketing Strategies:
Professor at the Management Institute was explaining marketing concepts:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
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You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say
"Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
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You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
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You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
> "You are very rich.." Will you marry me?
That's Brand Recognition.
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback !!!!!
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband
That's demand and supply gap.
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her face towards you ------------
she is your wife !
- That's competition eating into your market share -
mini cooper??Originally posted by shinta:what's a mini? -
ed walked into a bar from his pocket took out a man 12 inch tall a mini piano and placed them on the bar counter... and ordered a beer... as he sipped his beer... the man played wonderfull classical music on the piano....
suprised the bartender asked him where he found this guy... ed answer.. there is a genie in a lamp he found along the road just outside the bar.... imediately the bartender rushed out to look for the lamp...
15 minutes later.. he walked in with a million ducks following him... and said..."i asked for a million bucks and i got a million ducks..." ed replied... "y wud i wish for a 12 inch pianist...." -
damn farnieOriginally posted by bluejuice:ed walked into a bar from his pocket took out a man 12 inch tall a mini piano and placed them on the bar counter... and ordered a beer... as he sipped his beer... the man played wonderfull classical music on the piano....
suprised the bartender asked him where he found this guy... ed answer.. there is a genie in a lamp he found along the road just outside the bar.... imediately the bartender rushed out to look for the lamp...
15 minutes later.. he walked in with a million ducks following him... and said..."i asked for a million bucks and i got a million ducks..." ed replied... "y wud i wish for a 12 inch pianist...."
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Omg.. power damn funny omg omg...Originally posted by bluejuice:ed walked into a bar from his pocket took out a man 12 inch tall a mini piano and placed them on the bar counter... and ordered a beer... as he sipped his beer... the man played wonderfull classical music on the piano....
suprised the bartender asked him where he found this guy... ed answer.. there is a genie in a lamp he found along the road just outside the bar.... imediately the bartender rushed out to look for the lamp...
15 minutes later.. he walked in with a million ducks following him... and said..."i asked for a million bucks and i got a million ducks..." ed replied... "y wud i wish for a 12 inch pianist...." -
EH? I don't get it -.-
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which one did you not get it?Originally posted by UncleFishballz:EH? I don't get it -.- -
obviously the genie is hard of hearing...
so instead of a dick, the man got a 12 inch pianist -
He asked for a 12 inch penis, right? And in the end, he got a 12 inch pianist.
Lols! 
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Originally posted by bluejuice:ed walked into a bar from his pocket took out a man 12 inch tall a mini piano and placed them on the bar counter... and ordered a beer... as he sipped his beer... the man played wonderfull classical music on the piano....
suprised the bartender asked him where he found this guy... ed answer.. there is a genie in a lamp he found along the road just outside the bar.... imediately the bartender rushed out to look for the lamp...
15 minutes later.. he walked in with a million ducks following him... and said..."i asked for a million bucks and i got a million ducks..." ed replied... "y wud i wish for a 12 inch pianist...." -
mr. bean's car?Originally posted by used:mini cooper?? -
THE best HAHAAHAHAHAOriginally posted by bluejuice:ed walked into a bar from his pocket took out a man 12 inch tall a mini piano and placed them on the bar counter... and ordered a beer... as he sipped his beer... the man played wonderfull classical music on the piano....
suprised the bartender asked him where he found this guy... ed answer.. there is a genie in a lamp he found along the road just outside the bar.... imediately the bartender rushed out to look for the lamp...
15 minutes later.. he walked in with a million ducks following him... and said..."i asked for a million bucks and i got a million ducks..." ed replied... "y wud i wish for a 12 inch pianist...." -
Haha its ok.. I told my friend and she thought the punch line was the million ducks.. Say the ducks part is funny, but actually the punch line was the last line.. Haha ownage.. Great joke..Originally posted by UncleFishballz:EH? I don't get it -.- -
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got heart attack.
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?
Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in the zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in the cage but laughing at you.
When your life is in darkness pray to God
Ask him to free you from darkness and if after you pray
And you're still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL! -
Possible remedy for flu
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter." -
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman's husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!
She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, "Watch out for that f*cking wall!" -
Mistaken Age!
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken tot he hospital. While on the operating theatre she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, " Is my time up yet?"
God said, " No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, undergo liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured that she might as well make the most of it.
After her operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed in a car accident.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded," I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"
God replied, " I didn't recognise you!" -
Know when to Quit
A guy with a 25-inch p***s went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor.
The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you..she'll say "No".. and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"
"No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you ... NO! NO! NO!" ...
Moral of the story??
Know When to Quit. -
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey,you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door,hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that
reads,"Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for
you upstairs." -
Ah Beng was on a bike with Ah Lian after a durian shopping trip. Ah Lian was holding on to 2 big bags of durians.....when they reach a hump...
Ah Beng heard a loud bang....he ask Ah Lian: "Lurian wu kalau bo(durian got drop or not?)"....Ah Lian shouted...."boh kalau lah!"
So Ah beng continued with the journey....when they reach home...Ah beng got down from his bike & was shocked to see that Ah lian was not wearing a helmet!!!
He ask Ah Lian: "Where is your helmet???" Ah Lian was very angry and replied...."Just now i already told u 'boh kalau' (helmet drop)!!!" -
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride" -
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride" -
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." -
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them." -
FIRST:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Hearing
myself, I turned right around and walked back out and never went back. My
husband didn't say a word .... he knew better.
SECOND:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type that I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.
FOURTH:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that
if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said loudly in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I
heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was
very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me". Then I
said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting
worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks
and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...?
Here's a true story:
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that
8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did, too - they
were laughing so hard!