Advertisement spotted in a Singapore magazine:
"Filipina amah (maid) available. Twenty-seven years old. Been in Hong Kong for two years and looking for new work as contract ending. Good at cooking babies and children."
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A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."
"Could you describe the symptoms to me?" the doctor asks.
"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeds to undress.
When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.
"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."
'The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?" he asked.
Embarrassed and slightly nonplussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"
"Well," the doctor says, "I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
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One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one. When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok").
The Ang Moh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the c*ck" before entering the toilet? So he said "no" but the lady insisted. But lady still keep asking for forty cents in Cantonese. Since he had no choice, he took out his c*ck and showed it to her. The lady said "No! No!", "Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay), but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!" So he asked,"Now? Here?" The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English. The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and had s*x with her. The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!" he said "OK! I'll suck it for you" and he took her both breasts and suck them. The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD.... in Malay). The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit,"the Ang Moh replied. Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!" The Ang Moh replied,"Not too long, just 6 inches only.
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In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
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Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!"
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Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," Bill replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
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Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay.
Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is.
Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle.
He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and in 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away.
Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is a soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed a large billboard sign advertising free sex with a 15 gallon fill-up of gas. Thinking this sounded like too good of a deal to be true, they both decided to check it out and went into town and stopped at the gas station.
They filled up their car with gas and went into pay. Before handing over the money, they asked the station manager about the free sex. "Well," said the manager, "it's not quite that simple. First you need to take a simple test and if you pass, you get the free sex. What you do is try and guess the number I am thinking of between One and Five."
The men looked at each other and decided to try the number, Three. "Wrong," said the manager, the number I was thinking of was Two, but you can come back again and try to win." The Norwegian men left the gas station disappointed and drove away. While in their car, one looks over and says to the other, "Hey, Ole, I bet that manager cheated us. You know he could have said any number and how would we know if it was the right number?"
His friend looked at him and replied, "No you're wrong, he didn't cheat us. My wife won four times just last week!"
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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, the angel points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well, says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much.
4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm...", says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the hooker. "But I thought you might want to open those beers first."
