"The Washington Post reports that Senator Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Oh sure, when she does it, it's okay.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The first Democratic presidential debate was held earlier tonight. ... Big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, on a campaign trip, Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with evil and bad men, like Osama bin Laden, because she had to put up with her husband. Which explains why Hillary wants to look for bin Laden at the nearest Hooters." --Conan O'Brien
"It's official. Hillary Clinton is running for president of the United States. She said on her Web site, 'I'm in it to win.' That may seem obvious, but for Democrats running for president ... they have to keep reminding themselves." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton speaking out on [the port deal]. She has mixed feelings about Dubai. On one hand, they hate Israel. On the other hand, they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton blasted the vice president today for failing to disclose all the facts. She wants Dick Cheney to give exact details. You know like, "How do you shoot someone and make it look like an accident?" --Jay Leno
"Sen. Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton." --Jay Leno
"Hillary is everywhere. Last night she's on Barbara Walters, this morning she's on Katie Couric, and tomorrow she goes on Diane Sawyer. This is the first time Hillary has been on more women than Bill." --Jay Leno
"In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead. In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is 'What Does It Take To Get This Woman To Leave Me?'" —Craig Kilborn
"The A&E network has announced they are making a two hour movie about Hillary Clinton's days in the White House. And of course they haven't come up with a title yet. These are some of the titles they are considering: 'She's too fat, I'm too furious,' 'Dude, Where's my husband?' 'Ken Starr Wars,' 'Bend it like Monica,' 'Crouching Monica, Hidden Cigar,' 'My husband spent Hanukkah in Monica.'" —Jay Leno
"Hillary also said in the book it was a challenge to forgive Bill, but she figured if Nelson Mandela could forgive, she could give it a try. Isn't that amazing? I didn't know Clinton hit on Mandela's wife." —Jay Leno
"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it." --Jay Leno
