A Pakistani comes to America and begins working for the ACLU but is unfamiliar with American advances in toiletry. On his first day on the job he comes back from the men's room saying he can't find any hole in the ground. His boss explains how American plumbing works and sends the Pakistani back.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream shakes the office walls. His boss runs into the bathroom to investigate why he's screaming.
The Pakistani replies, "I am just sitting here on the toilet like you instructed to do and every time I am making to flush, something comes up and squeezes dearly on my poor testicles."
His boss looks at what he's sitting on and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket
A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind." The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."
Three boys in the fifth grade at an Israeli school are playing measure the wienie; a Bedouin, a Jew, and a Palestinian.
The Bedouin pulls his out and it's only 3 inches long. Not bad (remember this is the fifth grade).
The Jew pulls his Kosher sausage out and it, too, is 3 inches long.
Farook, the Palestinian boy, draws his out from his shorts and it is 6 inches long!
His two schoolmates are impressed: "That has to be the biggest wienie in the whole school!"
So Farook runs excitedly home and asks his father, "Abba, I have the largest penis in the fifth grade, is it that Allah has blessed me because I am Muslim?"
His father sighs and says, "no, Farook, it is because you are 19 years old."
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
Once, the people of the city invited Mulla Nasruddin to deliver a speech. When he got on the minbar (pulpit), he found the audience was not very enthusiastic, so he asked "Do you know what I am going to say?" The audience replied "NO", so he announced "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about" and he left. The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time when he asked the same question, the people replied "YES" So Mullah Nasruddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time" and he left. Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question - "Do you know what I am going to say?" Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "YES" while the other half replied "NO". So Mullah Nasruddin said "The half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the other half" and he left!
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What�s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...
Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).
Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.
Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don't look down.
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
A gorgeous girl was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500.00 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick you let me do you from behind!"
The woman told the man to wait a minute while she thought about it.
She called her girlfriend and told her about the man's proposal. Her girlfriend said "Once he drops the $500.00 on the ground you can pick it up and run before he has time to even gets his dick out.
Call me back and tell me what happened. An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.
" How did it go" the girl friend asked.
The girl said "He had $500.00 in $1 coins!"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought, but soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
He begins to think that these signs are for real, when he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
