What those lonely hearts columns really mean...
WOMEN
Athletic - flat chested
Commitment-minded - start choosing curtains
Communicative - just try to get a word in
Emotionally secure - on medication
Employed - has job stuffing envelopes at home
Exotic beauty - would frighten a Martian
Fortyish - 48
Fun - annoying
Light drinker - lush
Loves travel - you're paying!
Non-traditional - ex-husband lives in the basement
Old fashioned - lights out, missionary
Open minded - desperate
Poet - Depressive schizoid
Rubenesque - grossly fat
Stunning - up my own arse
Romantic - looks better in candle light
Spiritual - involved in a cult
Wants soul mate - one step away from stalker
Young at heart - toothless crone
MEN
Athletic - watches football
Average looking - Unusual hair growth
Distinguished looking - fat and grey
Educated - will treat you like the idiot you are
Fortyish - 52, wants 25 year old
Free spirit - shags your sister
Friendship first - As long as it involves nudity
Likes to cuddle - can't get it up
Good looking - Arrogant bastard
Honest - Pathological liar
Huggable - overweight with more body hair than Chewbacca
Light drinker - pisshead
Looks younger - in a bad light
Open minded - wants to shag your sister but she is refusing
Outgoing - loud
Poet - wrote a limerick in a shitter
Professional - owns a suit
Sensitive - closet homo
Spiritual - had to go to church to get christened
Stable - Stalker (occasionally)