Albinoworm's Joke Book
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I'll consolidate all my jokes here =D
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss
fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise
shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me
for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's
house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions
him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to
a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first
and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who
again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and
I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in
Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's
eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just
go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears
into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But
by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on
the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" -
This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the bar again and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, "I told you duck, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!"
The duck looked startled and leaves.
Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes? -
Pick-up lines heard round the world and what you could say back to them
I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.
I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
May I see you pretty soon?
Don't you think I'm pretty now?
Your hair color is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.
I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.
Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Do not enter.
or
Stop.
I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.
May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.
I would go to the end of the world for you.
Yes, but would you stay there?
Your place or mine?
Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.
Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.
Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing. -
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000".
The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey--most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shopkeeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object - oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."
The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a Consultant." -
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven.
St. Peter is there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: They each will have to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies: "That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228", to which St. Peter says "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turns to the Lawyer: "Name them." -
A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading...
"I would do anything to pass the exam".
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... anything!!!".
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?" -
Originally posted by albinoworm:A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading...
"I would do anything to pass the exam".
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... anything!!!".
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?"
this is farnie. -
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly -- and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes -- a billion-to-one shot, at least."
The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty.
"Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled. "He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control."
But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only from the knees down. "I had never really thought about it before," Det. Dern said. "But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity -- and not something that should be attempted alone." -
Do You Have Nails ~~
This 1 Funny ... Love ya jokebook -
albino, your jokes not bad, keep up the good work
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Originally posted by albinoworm:A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading...
"I would do anything to pass the exam".
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... anything!!!".
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?" -
hahahha
keep it up dude -
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Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
Thanks you for the motivation guys -
Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay? -
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high school in country NSW (Australia). The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with. Dear School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local County Home for the Aged.
My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.
My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.
Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine.
I told her to fuck off.
God bless you.
Sincerely, Edna Johnson -
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw". The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!''
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.'' -
A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it came to doing the deed. The idea of openly confessing their sexual desires was too difficult for them. Finally, they both sat down to resolve their problem. They agreed that anytime either partner wanted to have sex, all they had to do was ask the other partner, ''Do you want to do the washing?'' So the weeks went on and things started to get better. The husband would nudge his wife in bed and say, ''Love, do you want to do the washing?'' Then they would have sex. The wife did the same when she felt frisky. One night, the husband went to bed early because he was tired. A few hours later the wife followed. After getting in bed she felt the urge to get it on. So she nudged her husband and whispered, ''Honey, do you want to do the washing?'' ''No thanks, love,'' he said. ''It was only a small load tonight, so I did it by hand.''
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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... true story...
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked....
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard -
Originally posted by albinoworm:A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading...
"I would do anything to pass the exam".
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... anything!!!".
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?"