Q: NOW, YOU HAVE INVESTIGATED OTHER MURDERS, HAVE YOU NOT, WHERE THERE WAS A VICTIM?
Q: THE YOUNGEST SON, THE TWENTY-YEAR OLD, HOW OLD IS HE?
Q: WERE YOU PRESENT WHEN YOUR PICTURE WAS TAKEN?
Q: WAS IT YOU OR YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER WHO WAS KILLED IN THE WAR?
Q: DID HE KILL YOU?
Q: HOW FAR APART WERE THE VEHICLES AT THE TIME OF THE COLLISION?
Q: YOU WERE THERE UNTIL THE TIME YOU LEFT, IS THAT TRUE?
Q: MR. SLATERY, YOU WENT ON A RATHER ELABORATE HONEYMOON, DIDN'T YOU?
A: I WENT TO EUROPE, SIR.
Q: AND YOU TOOK YOUR NEW WIFE?
Q: HOW OLD IS YOUR SON, THE ONE LIVING WITH YOU.
A: THIRTY-EIGHT OR THIRTY-FIVE, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH.
Q: HOW LONG HAS HE LIVED WITH YOU?
A: FORTY-FIVE YEARS.
Q: DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR DAUGHTER HAS EVER BEEN INVOLVED IN VOODOO OR THE OCCULT?
A: WE BOTH DO.
Q: VOODOO?
A: WE DO.
Q: YOU DO?
A: YES, VOODOO.
Q: TROOPER, WHEN YOU STOPPED THE DEFENDANT, WERE YOUR RED AND BLUE LIGHTS FLASHING?
A: YES.
Q: DID THE DEFENDANT SAY ANYTHING WHEN SHE GOT OUT OF HER CAR?
A: YES, SIR.
Q: WHAT DID SHE SAY?
A: WHAT DISCO AM I AT?
Q: DOCTOR, BEFORE YOU PERFORMED THE AUTOPSY, DID YOU CHECK FOR PULSE?
A: NO.
Q: DID YOU CHECK FOR BLOOD PRESSURE?
A: NO.
Q: DID YOU CHECK FOR BREATHING?
A: NO.
Q: SO, THEN IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THE PATIENT WAS ALIVE WHEN YOU BEGAN THE AUTOPSY?
A: NO.
Q: HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE, DOCTOR?
A: BECAUSE HIS BRAIN WAS SITTING ON MY DESK IN A JAR.
Q: BUT COULD THE PATIENT HAVE STILL BEEN ALIVE NEVERTHELESS?
A: IT IS POSSIBLE THAT HE COULD HAVE BEEN ALIVE AND PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a b1tch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a b1tch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a b1tch.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one
hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down
the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were
sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: Thats right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth
and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Cant you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! Thats just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing","But", "The",
"Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
Wth? 
