Mod's note: Please comply with the existing rules and consolidate all your jokes for the day in a thread.
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames
by ropes when
you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to
sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight
& sleep tight."
2. It
was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that
for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a
honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based; this
period was called the honey month or what
was known today as
the honeymoon.
3. In English pubs, ale is
ordered by pints and quarts. So in
old England, when customers got unruly,
the bartender would
yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and
settle down.
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle
baked
into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they
needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service.
"Wet your whistle" is the
phrase inspired by this practice.
5. In ancient England a person could
not have sex unless you
had consent of the King (unless you were in the
Royal Family).
When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of
the
King; the King gave them a placard that they hung on their
door
while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K.
(Fornication Under
Consent of the King) on it. Now you know
where that came from.
6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled
Gentlemen
Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English
language.
------------------------
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would
sit
down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would
start
to say something, his wife would say, "... And what's
that
supposed to mean?"
Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.
----------------------------
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son
stop
urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from
time
to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
---------------------------
Did you know that many non-living things have a
gender?
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold
everything
in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off,
it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an
effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but
can
wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-
inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere,
you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's
the
hot air component.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable
and
retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit
on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick
people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can
shift
to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the
last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be
male.
But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be
lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons
to push, he keeps trying.
----------------------------------------------
Mouth, noun.
In man, the gateway to the soul; In woman, the outlet of the heart.
-------------------------------------------------
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night
----------------------------------------------------
Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian
water?
Just spell "Evian" backwards!
-----------------------------------------------------------
New Home Cloning Kit Instructions:
Go fark yourself.
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Mod's note: Please comply with the existing rules and consolidate all your jokes for the day in a thread.