Guido "Scarface" Linguini, Acting Commissioner of the Internal Revenue
Service, announced new reforms to that agency's rules in dealing with
taxpayers. The IRS has come under fire recently for its "mafia-like"
collection activities and disregard for taxpayers' rights. "Starting
next Monday," Linguini announced, "we will not pursue delinquent
taxpayers after their death." Previously, the IRS was known to levy
on the bodies of deceased taxpayers.
Other reforms announced today include:
1. The IRS will respond to taxpayer complaints "within one or two
years at the most."
2. The practice of setting collection quotas by IRS office will
cease. "We will establish regional quotas, instead," Linguini
announced. "We expect to get a certain percentage of revenues from
the North, South, East and West," he added.
3. IRS will no longer presume it is always correct when it sends out
a notice of delinquency to a taxpayer. "We will randomly sample the
notices, and assume we have made a mistake in 1 out of every
32,000,000 such notices," Linguini added.
4. Harassment will no longer be the watchword for IRS agent behavior.
"Intimidation, however, will still be allowed," Linguini noted.
5. The practice of targeting poor taxpayers for collection
activity on the theory that poorer people would be less likely to
hire lawyers and fight the IRS will be terminated. "We are going to
shift our collection focus to middle-income taxpayers, meaning
anyone making from $5,000 a year to $15,000 a year," Linguini commented.
6. Use of the IRS for political purposes will cease, according to
Linguini. "No longer will a Congressman be able to ask us to audit
his opponents." Requests for hostile audits will still be honored
if made by the White House.
7. Particular types of taxpayers will become the targets of our new
collection focus. "It is obvious tax evasion is more common in some
businesses and professions than it is in others," Linguini noted.
"Therefore we will target waitresses, lawyers, landscapers,
construction workers, and multi-level marketing promoters for
audits," he added.
8. IRS will put on a new face to the public. "We will paint our
offices a pretty blue, and ask our employees to quit wearing chain
mail and black capes," Linguini proudly announced.
9. IRS will also change its motto from "stand and deliver" to "pay
your taxes or else."
10. And in its final reform step, IRS will no longer follow children
home from school. "I think we can wait to intimidate them when they
grow up," Linguini said.
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