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A very crappy post. No relation to any person or organism currently living or has once lived. Any coincidence is regretted. Once you have read this, you are assumed to have assented to the Terms and Conditions and you will be obliged to abide by it, unless given extenuating conditions.
MAY BE OFFENSIVE so READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!!!
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Stampede Ruffles was an angmoh (Caucasian) trader who happens to be an average salaryman in some bank in some white country. Life sucks because the oil prices was being jacked up daily and the crimewave from the nearby ghetto is getting worrisome. With the opening of Sueyz Canal, direct sea travel to the East was made possible. In case you are wondering, airplanes exist only for the rich and priviledged, something with Mr. Ruffles can ill-afford.
One day, the East Indian Conglomerate (Oost-Indische Compagnie) decided to relocate the entire bank to the Middle Kingdom in the Far East. Ruffles had never heard of such a country. The entire staff protested against the management's decision but to no avail. The bank relocated to capitalize on the Middle Kingdom's perceived growing financial and economic clout. According to experts, Middle Kingdom is set to grow at double digit rates and will rival the West in economic terms, by extrapolating its growth in recent years. Funny how these experts in extrapolation failed to extrapolate the oil price going past 100 francs, given all the indications.
Too bad for Mr Ruffles as he returned home with a pink slip. He wondered why did the buck-toothed, near-sighted, tiny (yes, tiny everywhere...) gooks get the jobs. Aren't they supposed to be the "White Man's Burden"? Mr Ruffles was displeased, but at least he got a decent Voluntary Separation Scheme (VSS - severance package) but most of the staff (who are forced to work on contractual-basis, therefore not eligible for any welfare or VSS) got nil.
He decided to go backpacking around the world to "learn more about the 'people' that populate the world". But he blew his VSS money on a night of binge drinking with the entire bank staff in a pub to drink away their sorrows. So, before his bank shuts down, he borrowed some money. Not having any thing to mortgage, he had to resort to subprime lending, and bankrupted the bank inadvertently before the bank could relocate (since he couldn't repay).
Now, the time is nigh for Stampede Ruffles to flee. Flee from creditors whose pay is dependent on how successful in nabbing Ruffles. He got onto a steamship headed to a random location in the East. However, due to some incidents involving two hijacked steamships being forced to slam into Tames Bridge, security is so tight that Swiss Army knives and liquid bottles were not allowed. Somehow he sneaked in and became a stowaway. There, he grabbed an empty seat and whiled the hours away watching a B-grade flick called Kehidupan Seorang Pramugara Yang Terlampau, a Malayan blockbuster.
Soon the ships reached the island of Sinkapore. Mr Ruffles couldn't even afford a Swiss army knife for defence against the head-hunters, let alone a full life insurance scheme. He was gripped with fear.
Upon reaching Sinkapore, he was shocked to see some heads perched atop a pedestal. Headhunters!!!!, or so Ruffles thought. In reality, these used to be attached to punks who were vandalizing state property because they were pissed at the government systematically discriminating them. In reality, they chose to drop out because they were bored of schools, feeling rebellious and wind up with kids at 16, hence are unable to lift their living standards. Apparently the effete Sinking Police Force failed to take care of this (they can't even locate a short, limping guy on the loose) and the ever-efficient Kempeitai took care of these rebels with their honourable and noble samurai swords, keeping the streets safe. Ruffles knows he is in safe hands.
Ruffles decides to set up a little kopitiam (coffee shop) selling Western food to make a living. Like the Orientals who set up Chinese restaurants and Chinatowns everywhere they go, even if there are only two of them. The little business soon took off, as everyone came over to see the ang moh, never mind if the food is pricey. "The cook's a Westerner; henceforth the food is good" "Western concept is always better than our concept" "Foreign talent; we must learn and change our ways" were some of the comments that he has received. Any brickbat would be deemed as racist and the Kempeitai would be called in to slap the recalcitrant bloke.
Business soon grew, but over the period of month, the Straits Government wanted to re-develop the place. En-bloc sale, then the whole place is gone. General Lee needed to built a night horse-cart racetrack for the prestigious Formulae One, but the shoplots were in the way. Besides the Government has a strong urge to build Circle Underground Line, which is blocked by these shops. Some of the shopkeepers protested but were quickly hosed down by the Riot Police in Red Cars. Of course, no media personnel is allowed to be there.
Ah Tiong said, " We don't want our shops to be taken away". Kaninasamy reasoned, "It is illegal and we did not assent to this en-bloc sale". Lim Peh and Lau Pek echoed their sentiments, showing their valid contracts as proof. General Lee did not take heed. All he did was ignore them.
Ruffles went over and said "We don't want our shops to be taken away; it is illegal and we did not assent to this en-bloc sale" (Note: observe the similar word usage). General Lee was awed by the towering Caucasian's intelligence and he listened to him. They sat and discussed this issue. Soon, General Lee halted the demolition of the shoplots. However, a change of heart meant only Ruffles's shop is spared; the locally-owned shops would have to go. Ruffles's shop, by virtue of being run by a foreigner, is better in every sense and has more 'class', since a foreigner tends to be 'smarter' anyway. "This is meritocracy!" General Lee argued.
Soon, it is time for Ruffles to get hitched. Getting partners was never a problem for Ruffles, who has girls lining up to date him. After all, he's the man. He's different from the lame, ugly, un-macho Chinaman anyway. A Chinaman is too gentle and shy, traits taught by their moms in order to be 'good men'; never mind that these ladies eventually decide to join the queue to date Mr Ruffles. After all, Mr Ruffles is always better than a Chinaman in every aspect, claims the girls. Gentle Mr Ruffles = well-liked gentleman but gentle Chinaman = despised sissy? Ruffles doesn't understand the double standards but he enjoys the attention. For once, he never needed to bother about his looks, care for his weight, etc...; a fat and balding Ruffles is still the man.
Mr Ruffles meets a girl called Shilpa who happens to be a young undergraduate. Shilpa's prowess in Math astounds Ruffles, since he never paid a single damn attention to Math class. French is a language that can't count so Ruffles's math is crap. They started to go out, and things looked rosy. Until one day....
They were making out in the underground train, when suddenly she stopped. "Why did you stop?" he asked. "Please pay up your incurred cost of £695.50, which is £130-an-hour, for five hours, inclusive of 7% GST. Ruffles was flabbergasted, but he had to pay before he could proceed to second base. Never had he met such a calculative woman before, but hey, she is a Mathematics undergraduate. He never expected to pay so much, simply because he looks like a foreigner ready to be fleeced.
And so, Ruffles did NOT live happily ever after... he decided to return to his home country since he has worked so hard but he realised his money is all locked in the Central Piggybank Fund (CPF), which means he would end up working menial jobs when he gets older. Money can be withdrawn if you're lucky enough to live to a minimum age before the goalposts get shifted further. He couldn't envision working under the "White Man's Burden" so he left. And Ruffles left, leaving a colorful footprint in the annals of His-Story.
The End.
woa so long.