What To Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex
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1. "Ooooooo" (the obvious)
2. "That would work better the other way around..."
3. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"
4. "Damn, that's complicated."
5. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."
6. "Alright already, I came."
7. "You guys need a value pak."
8. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."
9. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"
10. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
11. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."
12. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions.
13. "You know, they say that three's a charm."
14. Suggest your favorite position.
15. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,assume the position."
16. "Bring in the Gimp."
17. "Hold that pose."
18. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing with joy.
19. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
20. Sing "Shake your bootie."
21. "A little to the left."
22. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"
23. "Is there room for two in there?"
24. "Two words: penis extension."
25. Invite others in as a cheering section.
26. Charge admission at the door.
27. Make and hold up score cards.
28. All of them should read 6. 9.
29. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.
30. "Maybe it would help if you..."
31. "That's what you call erect?"
32. "That reminds me of a joke I heard..."
33. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"
34. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plasic?"
35. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."
36. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."
37. "May I cut in?"
38. "That's illegal in Arkansas."
39. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."
40. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.
41. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
42. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your wiener before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."
43. "Mmm...that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."
44. "Let's make a sandwich."
45. "Is that hard enough for you?"
46. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"
47. "I think you dropped something."
48. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"
48. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"
50. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"--------------------
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