Aubrey Jokes
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Starblue had come to see Dr. L.H. Lim. When the shrink began using sexual
terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"
"A phallic
symbol," explained L.H. Lim, "represents the phallus."
"What's a phallus?" asked Starblue. "Well," said the doctor,
"the best way to explain it is to show you."
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his penis. "This is a phallus." "Oh," said the girl. "It's like a penis, only smaller." -
Two malaysian girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Mary sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Margaret?"
"Yeah. What's it called, Mary?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Margaret takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Mary again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?" -
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Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
Starblue had come to see Dr. L.H. Lim. When the shrink began using sexual
terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"
"A phallic
symbol," explained L.H. Lim, "represents the phallus."
"What's a phallus?" asked Starblue. "Well," said the doctor,
"the best way to explain it is to show you."
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his penis. "This is a phallus." "Oh," said the girl. "It's like a penis, only smaller." -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
Two malaysian girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Mary sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Margaret?"
"Yeah. What's it called, Mary?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Margaret takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Mary again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?" -
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the second one was funny
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even the black is smiling
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On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words, upon stepping on the moon, "That`s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind!" were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
Just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr Gorsky!" Many people thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, NASA confirmed there was no Mr Gorsky in either the Soviet or American space programs.
Over the years, people questioned Armstrong about the statement, but he only smiled. Finally, on July 5, 1995, at Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter once again brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong.
This time, he responded. Mr Gorsky had died, and so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
Apparently, in 1938, as a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend in his backyard. As his friend hit the ball, it landed in his neighbour`s yard, by their bedroom window. The neighbours were Mr and Mrs Gorsky.
As young Neil bent to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs Gorsky yelling at her husband, "Sex? You want sex? You`ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" -
One night at a club Little Red Riding Hood and the big bad wolf were getting their groove on. After hours of dancing and leading eachother on, they went back to his place. He asked her "come on please just let me stick it in." Little Red Riding Hood replied 'Stick to the story motherf**ker, EAT ME!
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A man and his wife were having problems in their relationship, so they went to a psychologist.
The psychologist, who was a man, saw the couple several times, but to no avail.
The woman complained her husband wasn't affectionate.
The man said he didn't understand what she was talking about.
Finally, after many sessions of explaining to the man his wife's need for affection, the psychologist lost his patience. He told the man's wife to take off her clothes, then he had sex with her, and told the man, "This is what your wife needs every day".
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?" -
A teenage boy and his steady girlfriend were making out in his parked car, when the boy got really turned on, and said, "Please darlin', I can't take it anymore, I have to get some relief."
His girl replies, "You know I am saving myself until we get married!"
He continues to plead and begs her, "What if I just put the head in for a while, just let me marinate it a little?"
Finally getting a bit steamed up herself, she reluctantly agrees, but says, only if it's the head.
So he anxiously unzips and fumbling, puts the head of his manhood into the softness of her secret treasure and that's all he does,
well for about 30 seconds anyway, but in the heat of passion, he gets carried away and before you know it he's put it in entirely and is pumping away with deep thrusts for all he's worth.
After a few minutes his lady love moans and thrilling to the mounting pleasure and a new awareness, haltingly gasps "I know we have this deal, that you are only putting the head in, but... this feels so damn good, go ahead and give it all to me!"
Jolted to his senses, stopping in mid thrust, but thinking quickly our hero responds, "Nope, a deals a deal." -
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Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked cool-gal if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy style."
"Doggy style? Did she go for it?"
"I'll say. I sat up and begged while she rolled over and played dead." -
Dictionary of Obscure Sexual Terms.
Angry Dragon - Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.
Arabian Goggles - A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.
The Bait N' Tackle - The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!
Ballsacking - Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.
Bear Claw - A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.
Beef Curtain - The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.
Beer Dick - This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.
Blumpy - You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.
The Bronco - You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.
Brown Bagging It - Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.
Brown Necktie - You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.
Brunski - When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)
The Bullwinkle - The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)
Butter Face - When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.
The Canine Special - Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!
The Carpet Cleaner - While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.
The Chili Dog - When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.
Chocolate Pizza - Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.
Cleveland Steamer - The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.
Cock-Stuffing - Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra. Wow!
Cold Lunch - The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.
The Concoction - First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.
Cop's Delight - The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an over sized, quivering glazed donut.
The Corkscrew - Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood. -
A small group of dominant ladies were getting together for their usual Friday evening munch. One of the ladies, who preferred a military style of dominance, decided to bring her new, freshly trained boy toy and show him off to her friends.
The other ladies gathered around as the dominatrix boasted of her latest achievement: A Precision Penis. With that, she directed her slave to remove his pants and demonstrate for the audience.
The slave obediently stripped off his trousers to the immediate giggles of the small crowd. "Yes, yes, girls," the dominatrix proclaimed, "It's ALMOST a penis, I know. But you're missing the point. Watch this."
She stepped back, standing rigidly straight, and barked out the military command, "Attennnnn-Shun!" To everyone's amazement, the flaccid member immediately popped straight outward, becoming perfectly erect in a split second.
Seeing that she had certainly gained the admiration of her peers, the dominatrix then wowed them further as she commanded, "At ease." The slave's rock hard pole immediately returned to it's resting state without so much as a disobedient throb.
"AMAZING!" the ladies shouted. "Do it again, do it again!"
The dominatrix, happy to oblige, repeated the commands nine more times in succession, all with precisely the same results and each time to the increasingly impressed applause of the group.
When she barked out the command for the tenth time, though, nothing happened. A sudden hush fell over the room. An extremely worried look appeared on the slave's face as the dominatrix once again issued the command, louder this time. Still nothing. Once more, she barked out the directive, only now there was clearly a disturbed tone to her voice. Again, nothing.
The slave, sensing immediate punishment, bolted quickly into the nearest room, slamming the door behind him in real fear. With fire in her eyes, the dominatrix took off in hot pursuit, followed by her feminist posse. The door never stood a chance as the sole of her right boot connected with it.
As the door flew open, the group suddenly stopped dead in their tracks. Inside the room before them stood the slave, feverishly masturbating as though his life depended on it.
"What the hell are you doing????" the dominatrix demanded.
The slave, hoping to divert blame, looked up without so much as missing a stroke and meekly proclaimed, "It disobeyed a direct order, Ma'am. I'm therefore giving it a dishonorable discharge." -
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A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I can not come in today. I'm sick."
The same thing happens next week and the week after.
The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy,because he's really good at what he does. He calls him in his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?"
"No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start fucking."
"You fuck your sister?"
The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick." -
W TF
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A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do" she said.
''Does it hurt you", he asked?
"No. I rather like it!"
''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course", the doctor replied.
"Where do you think politicians come from?" -
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson - Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with Jacquie Smith - the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The chief fire officer quietly replied:-
"They were at work." -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I can not come in today. I'm sick."
The same thing happens next week and the week after.
The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy,because he's really good at what he does. He calls him in his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?"
"No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start fucking."
"You fuck your sister?"
The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick." -
Interpreting Coporate Titles...
The real interpretation of corportate titles:
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God
PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved
VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
MANAGER:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls
TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets him/herself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to him/herself