Aubrey Jokes
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In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"
Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Little Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."
"That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Little Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock." -
Male Instructional Guide For Relationships
The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women ( i.e., relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth. -
MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP LINES...
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my
car, don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.
Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.
Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch. -
A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He’s riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.
It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.
They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed – and there his wife lays in bed with another man!
Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man’s head. Just then, his wife yells “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!…”
HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks “What should I do?”
The taxi driver replies, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.” -
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The war-wearied Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude, my little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please Ma'am, may I seat down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also so arrogant.'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the window and just sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor, Put this American in his place.'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'. -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The war-wearied Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude, my little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please Ma'am, may I seat down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also so arrogant.'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the window and just sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor, Put this American in his place.'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.XD i like this one.
-
An Australian family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried So they call a marriage broker and ask her to find their son a good wife.
The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking many questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give her a long shopping list of requirements.
The marriage broker takes a long time looking and finally asks to visit the family again. She tells them of a wonderful woman she has found. She says she's just the right age for the son... she keeps a perfectly clean home... is of sober habits, and regularly attends church every Sunday... she is a wonderful cook... she loves children and wants a large family and, to top it all off, she's drop dead gorgeous.
After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.
At this point, the son gets up the courage to ask, "Is she also good in bed?"
And the marriage broker answers, "That I'm not sure of.... Some say yes... some say no and some says just so, so." -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
An Australian family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried So they call a marriage broker and ask her to find their son a good wife.
The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking many questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give her a long shopping list of requirements.
The marriage broker takes a long time looking and finally asks to visit the family again. She tells them of a wonderful woman she has found. She says she's just the right age for the son... she keeps a perfectly clean home... is of sober habits, and regularly attends church every Sunday... she is a wonderful cook... she loves children and wants a large family and, to top it all off, she's drop dead gorgeous.
After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.
At this point, the son gets up the courage to ask, "Is she also good in bed?"
And the marriage broker answers, "That I'm not sure of.... Some say yes... some say no and some says just so, so."
-
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly Daddy
Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."
His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs."
Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand! -
Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.
Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.
Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?"
The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore." -
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’ we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.”
The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”
“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’”
Again, the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”
Finally, the Tyson guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer
from ‘give us this day our daily bread...’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’” and he leaves.
The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. “The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.”
“The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread Account. -
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa,"
He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook. -
Someday I guess I'm just gonna get arrested, but I can't resist off the wall humor when people least expect it. I went into this department story and was greeted by a female salesgirl who said, "Good afternoon sir, and what is it you desire?"
I replied, "What I desire is to whisk ya outta here, take you to my secret hide-away, mix up a big pitcher of drinks, put on some soft music, and then make mad passionate love to ya all afternoon.
However, what I need is some underwear and socks." -
George said to Mary, "I'll bet you ten dollars that we could have the best sex that you have ever had without me touching you."
"You're nuts," she said, "Here is ten dollars that says you can't do that!"
They put the money on the mantelpiece.
That night George and Mary proceeded to have sex.
Reluctantly, Mary had to admit that it was the best sex that she could remember.
The next morning she exclaimed, "Well, it may have been the best sex I've ever had... but you did nothing BUT touch me!"
George gave Mary the ten dollars and departed with these words, "So I lose." -
Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack. Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel.
One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena. Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."
The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers' wife having a shower Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfuls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied, "I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"
So he did.
Both handfuls!!!!! -
A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief. How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while? asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh." replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman there into my tepee." he said.
So the paleface took the woman into the tepee where she took all her clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying, "This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her ass saying, "This corn hole. -
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse.
"Look what he did to my tits!" -
A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a problem with his crop.
He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation. "Your problem can easily be solved if you cover the base of each tree with cat manure!" devised the agronomist.
With some difficulty and great expense the owner was able to secure enough cat manure for his trees. The trees produced a bumper crop of pineapples, with just a minor problem, they tasted a bit strange.
With some concern, the plantation owner called his distributor on the mainland as asked, "Harry, do you think you can sell pineapples that taste a little like pussy?"
"I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure out a way to make pussy taste a little like pineapple, we'll make a fortune!!!"__________________
-
The sexy woman walked into the bar one afternoon and said, "I'll have a Heineken"
She took the glass of beer and swallowed it in one gulp. Then she fainted on the floor.
"Come on, give her a hand," the bartender called to the two men who were sitting at the bar. The men helped carry her into a spare room at the back and one of the men glanced around and said, "Listen, nobody's ever going to know, how about if we give her a quick fuck ?"
They did just that. A few minutes later the woman came to and said, "Where am I ? What is the time ? My God, I have to get home." And out she went.
Next afternoon, there were six men hanging around the bar when the same girl came in again and said, "I'll have a Heineken"
She drank it down in one gulp and then fell on the floor in a dead faint. The men carried her to the back room and the performance was repeated, except that now there were seven men, including the bartender.
The next day when she came in, there were twenty odd men hanging around. "I'll have a Heineken", she said. She swallowed it in one gulp, fell to the floor in a faint, and was carried to the back room where all the men partook of her.
When she arrived on the fourth day, the word had really gotten around and there were close to fifty men in the bar, waiting eagerly with lustful eyes and bulging pants. As she walked towards the bar, the bartender pushed a glass of beer towards her.
"You'll want your Heineken, Miss ?"
"No", she said " You better give me a gin & tonic. This Heineken is giving me a pain in the pussy" -
An Italian and his 6 year old son, Luigi, go into a clothing shop. "May 1 help you?" asks the salesman.
"Yes" says the father, 1'd like a nice sweater for me and a pair of trousers for my son Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!', and he slaps little Luigi around the head several times. Shocked by this attack the salesman asks, "Will that be all sir?"
"No" says the father. "1'd like a pair of shoes for me and a pair for Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!" and he slaps little Luigi again.
"Now just wait a minute" protests the salesman. "You can't keep hitting that poor boy like that - why do you keep hitting him?"
"Why do I keep hitting Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD?' yells the father, bashing Luigi again. 'Well, I'll tell you!" he says. "When I met his mamma, Maria, she wassa eighteen years old, she hada a perfect body, the most beautiful breasts 1 ever saw - and the nicest, tighta pussy ina the whole suburb - until along comma Luigi WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!"' -
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”
… the teacher fainted! -
Little Johnny and Suzie were walking home from school after their first sex education class, when Suzie said that one thing she didn’t understand about it all was, “What is a penis?”
Little Johnny said he didn’t know either, but would ask his father that night, because his father “Knew everything.” That night, when Johnny’s father came home from work, Little Johnny asked, “Dad, what’s a penis?”
Johnny’s father led him into the bedroom, where Johnny’s father dropped his trousers, pointed down, and said, “That, Johnny, is a penis.” He then looked down at it and added, “In fact, that’s what I would call a PERFECT penis!”
Little Johnny was impressed, thanked his father for explaining it, and ran out to play. The next morning, Little Johnny and Suzie were walking to school when Johnny proudly announced that he knew what a penis is. Suzie wanted to know, so Johnny led her around behind a bush, dropped his trousers, pointed down, and announced, “That, Suzie, is a penis.” He looked down at it and added, “In fact, if it was just 3 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis!!! -
There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years.
One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, "you know, I've never had a woman in my life."
So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars.
He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.
He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. "What are you doing?" the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!" -
“Hey, Mom,” asked Little Johnny, “can you give me twenty dollars?” “Certainly not!” answered his mother. “If you do,” Little Johnny went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”
His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? what did he say?” “He said, ‘Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.’” -
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."