Aubrey Jokes
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky. -
LOL
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How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period is it from. -
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds." -
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry." -
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperms, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. If you bring a girl home, she will give you a lifetime of headaches. She either multiplies or enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap, you can expect back a bucket full of shit. -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
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Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperms, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. If you bring a girl home, she will give you a lifetime of headaches. She either multiplies or enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap, you can expect back a bucket full of shit. -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry." -
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well. -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.LOL
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gunner77 wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told gunner77 to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. gunner77 understood and was ready.
The time came to have gunner77 jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. gunner77 proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past gunner77 .
gunner77 seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?" -
There was once a Ah Neh and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Ah Neh's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Ah Neh pick up the egg. The Englishman ran up to the Ah Neh and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Ah Neh disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Englishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."
The Ah Neh agreed to this and so the Englishman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Ah Neh and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Ah Neh fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.
Eventually the Ah Neh stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."
The Englishman said, "Keep the lousy egg." -
A blonde and her husband were waiting by the first tee for her lesson from the golf pro. They watched a foursome tee off. The first man hit it 230 yards, straight down the middle of the fairway.
"Nice shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad, considering my impediment," replied the golfer.
"What do you mean?" "I have a glass eye."
"I don't believe you," said the blonde.
"Show me." He popped out his glass eye and showed it to her.
The second golfer hit it 240 yards, straight down the middle of the fairway.
"Good shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad, considering my impediment," replied the second golfer.
"You, too?" said the blonde.
"What's wrong with you?" "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer.
"I don't believe you," said the blonde. "Show me."
So he screwed out his arm and showed it to her.
The third golfer hit a 250-yard drive down the middle. "Great shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad, considering my impediment."
"Another? What's your impediment?"
"Prosthetic leg," said the golfer.
"No way," said the blonde. "Show me."
So the golfer screwed off his leg and showed it to her.
The fourth golfer hit a beauty, 320 yards, straight as a string.
"Now that's a shot," said the blonde. "I suppose you have an impediment, too?"
"Yep," said the golfer. "Artificial heart."
"What? I don't believe you! Show me."
"I can't show you here in the open," he said. "Let's go over there, behind the Pro Shop." They did, but when they hadn't returned after fifteen minutes, her husband peered around behind the Pro Shop to see what was keeping them. And there they were, his wife's was bent over, her shorts and panties were around her ankles and he was -- screwing his heart out! -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.
lol -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
gunner77 wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told gunner77 to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. gunner77 understood and was ready.
The time came to have gunner77 jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. gunner77 proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past gunner77 .
gunner77 seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?" -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
There was once a Ah Neh and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Ah Neh's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Ah Neh pick up the egg. The Englishman ran up to the Ah Neh and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Ah Neh disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Englishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."
The Ah Neh agreed to this and so the Englishman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Ah Neh and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Ah Neh fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.
Eventually the Ah Neh stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."
The Englishman said, "Keep the lousy egg." -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
A blonde and her husband were waiting by the first tee for her lesson from the golf pro. They watched a foursome tee off. The first man hit it 230 yards, straight down the middle of the fairway.
"Nice shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad, considering my impediment," replied the golfer.
"What do you mean?" "I have a glass eye."
"I don't believe you," said the blonde.
"Show me." He popped out his glass eye and showed it to her.
The second golfer hit it 240 yards, straight down the middle of the fairway.
"Good shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad, considering my impediment," replied the second golfer.
"You, too?" said the blonde.
"What's wrong with you?" "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer.
"I don't believe you," said the blonde. "Show me."
So he screwed out his arm and showed it to her.
The third golfer hit a 250-yard drive down the middle. "Great shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad, considering my impediment."
"Another? What's your impediment?"
"Prosthetic leg," said the golfer.
"No way," said the blonde. "Show me."
So the golfer screwed off his leg and showed it to her.
The fourth golfer hit a beauty, 320 yards, straight as a string.
"Now that's a shot," said the blonde. "I suppose you have an impediment, too?"
"Yep," said the golfer. "Artificial heart."
"What? I don't believe you! Show me."
"I can't show you here in the open," he said. "Let's go over there, behind the Pro Shop." They did, but when they hadn't returned after fifteen minutes, her husband peered around behind the Pro Shop to see what was keeping them. And there they were, his wife's was bent over, her shorts and panties were around her ankles and he was -- screwing his heart out!
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A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out, you only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that, we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
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JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six..'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read : 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon.....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?' -
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?' "
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'" -
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up
the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed
in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out."
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out, you only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that, we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
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Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up
the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed
in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out."
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"