Aubrey Jokes
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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead." -
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK." -
Three guys are sitting at the bar, when a stranger walked in and took a stool at the far end of the bar. The three guys were tranfixed on the stranger, who bear a striking resemblance to Jesus.
For quite a while they were speculating if in fact it was the Son of God himself. Finally Joe stands up and said he would find out for sure and walked down to the end of the bar, but before he could even open his mouth, the stranger said, " you have had constant pain in your lower back for many years, and so I say unto you "Be healed". Instantly the pain left his body. He ran back to tell the others. Tom said that it was bullshit and went down to the end of the bar, but again before he could say anything, the stranger said, "since you were a child you have had an inferior left eye, Be heal and see the world the way God intended. Tom's bad eye was seeing as well as the other. Both 20/20. He came back to inform the others. Mack just set there, "well I'm not going down there - come hell or high water. Just then the stranger started walking toward Mack. Finally he was less than ten feet away from him Mack yells out, "Stay away from me you son of a bitch...I'm on Disability. -
An Indian in Australia goes to Woolworths Supermarket, saw cans of cat food at special prices, purchases a dozen and goes to the checkout.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asked the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have the cat food. The Indian returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week, the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks up a dozen cans of dog food and goes to the checkout.
The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat and cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asked him to bring and show him his dog before he can let him have the dog food.
He goes home and returns with the dog and he gets to buy the dog food.
The following week the Indian goes to Woolsworth with a bag. He asked the Manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag,
feels something slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, 'What the fuck is this? Is this shit you idiot?'
The Indian calmly replied, 'Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper -
After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers homecoming.
She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.
"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"
"Yah, I was in the infantry."
"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"
"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"
"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.
The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.
"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"
"I fucked her again," he answered.
The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"
"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate." -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
An Indian in Australia goes to Woolworths Supermarket, saw cans of cat food at special prices, purchases a dozen and goes to the checkout.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asked the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have the cat food. The Indian returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week, the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks up a dozen cans of dog food and goes to the checkout.
The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat and cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asked him to bring and show him his dog before he can let him have the dog food.
He goes home and returns with the dog and he gets to buy the dog food.
The following week the Indian goes to Woolsworth with a bag. He asked the Manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag,
feels something slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, 'What the fuck is this? Is this shit you idiot?'
The Indian calmly replied, 'Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper
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A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh.”
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.” “OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest x he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. “I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient, “I don’t know what came over me. I won’t let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?” The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, “It’s swollen.” -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK." -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh.”
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.” “OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest x he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. “I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient, “I don’t know what came over me. I won’t let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?” The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, “It’s swollen.” -
LOL
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haha...funny man..
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Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead." -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK." -
Alex Ferguson the coach of united red devils gets wind of potential young recruit who lives in Iraq. Feguson and the red devils recruiting Manager catch a plane to the troubled Iraq capital Baghdad and track the young boy down.
They risk life and limb dodging car bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to Manchester.
The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked on the bench in the seniors for the first game of the year. -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:Alex Ferguson the coach of united red devils gets wind of potential young recruit who lives in Iraq. Feguson and the red devils recruiting Manager catch a plane to the troubled Iraq capital Baghdad and track the young boy down.
They risk life and limb dodging car bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to Manchester.
The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked on the bench in the seniors for the first game of the year.<!-- / message -->
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then?
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Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew. -
Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:
Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.