A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
==
A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone
staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you
whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man
as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
==
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman,
"Give me six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas.
The bartender said, "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
==
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race
appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so
was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father
answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race
evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they
developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his."
==
A professor is giving the first year medical students their
first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before
starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first
thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer
sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of
them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit...
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index. suit.
==
Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby
brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."
==
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all
these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain
the toy, you explain the kids....."
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lol
nice ones :D
all posted before