Alpha's consolidated jokelist.
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A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of the shopping mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $50 note in it. Now there are twenty-five $2 notes.” The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the manager his application. The manager begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. “I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.” “Yes,” says the man. “Well,” continues the manager, “There’s not much positive in that.” “Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”
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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one
of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it
onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back
and see if I can still find them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get
all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a
game a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my
flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his weenie through the bushes,
I say, $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By
the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Some of them don't believe
me." -
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at
the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm."
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him
with died at the scene. -