some jokes to share
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One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT???!!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!” I then said “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”Apparently I won’t be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.
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There was once a competition involving three gruelling tests. The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:
1.) Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go
2) Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.
3) And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.
Many people bravely tried their hand at it. Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could read the third stage.
And then, one fine day, a nonchalant man walked into the contest. Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps. Then he said, “Show me the lion!” When shown the room, he coolly walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it.
Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the man and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed.
As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the man. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out – victorious, nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle.
And then he asked, “Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?”
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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
“Do you knowwhere God is, son?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!” Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room,
ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “what happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. “GOD is missing, and they think we did it!” -
OMFG He screwed the lion.
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nice jokes, especially the 1st one!
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There was once little Sicilian boy called Luigi who’s father was alleged to have been a notorious member of the Mafia.
One day, Luigi asks his Mother, ‘Hey Mamma, I want a bike” Hi mother tells him, if you are a good boy and pray to Jesus then maybe you get a bike Ok.
So Luigi goes, to his local church and kneels in front of the statue of Jesus and says, ” Hey Jesus, I wanna new bike ok. I’ll be good and come back in week to get my bike”
For the whole week Luigi behaves well. He doesn’t swear, helps is mother by doing all his chores and homework etc.
At the end of the week he goes back to the church and kneels in front of the statue of Jesus again. Hey Jesus, I been good all week. Where is my bike?” “Maybe you want me to try harder so I come back again in one week ok”
After another week of exemplary behavior, doing even better deeds than before, he returns to the church and still he sees no bike. Figuring this is God’s way of testing his loyalty he continues to pray each week and behave like a perfect boy.
Finally, months have passed and Luigi, feeling frustrated returns to the church again. This time however, instead of praying to the Statue of Jesus he steals a statue of the Virgin Mary and runs away to hide it.
A couple of days later he comes back to the church and kneels in front of the statue of Jesus and says “Hey Jesus, I got your Mamma!
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He sees a big jar of money sitting on the counter. He asks the bartender, “What’s with the jar of money?” The bartender replies, “Oh, well I have a horse in the back and anybody who can make him laugh gets the jar of money. If you can’t make him laugh, you have to put $10 into the jar and be on your way.” The guy thinks this is a simple enough task, and asks to see the horse. Back at the bar, the bartender is cleaning some mugs when he hears the horse cracking up in the back. Seconds later, he sees the guy walking in from the backroom. “H-how’d you do it? How did you make my horse laugh?,” the bartender asked. The man grabbed the jar of money and headed to the door. He turned around and said, “I don’t reveal my secrets.”
About two weeks later, that same guy went back into the bar for another drink. He noticed another jar of money in the same place. “What do I have to do to get this jar, now?” The bartender, comfortable with the fact that the man can’t possibly win this one, says “Oh, see, now you have to make my horse CRY.” The guy shrugs and proceeds to the back room. Moments later, the bartender hears terrible sobbing from the back. The guy walks back into the bar area, calmly takes his jar of money, and walks to the front door. The bartender runs to catch him before he walks out. He has to know, “You have to tell me, how did you do it!?”
The guy looks at the bartender, “Well, to make your horse laugh, I told him I had a bigger dick than he does.” “And to make him cry?”
“I showed him.”
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A man who owns Thompson Nails, a reputable nail company decides to market his product on television so he enlists the help of a marketing firm.
He sits with the marketing director and asks…Could you please create a commercial to help sell my nails? The marketing director tells him to come back in one week.
A week passes and the man shows up for the first viewing of his commercial. It starts off with a distant view of Jesus nailed to the cross. The camera slowly focuses in on Jesus’ hand and on the head of the nail you can read…Thompson Nails.
The man is furious, you can`t expect me to run this insensitive commercial, what`s wrong with you people? The marketing director apologizes and requests the man comeback in another week to review what he promises to be a more tasteful commercial.
A week passes and the man returns, sits in the viewing room as the commercial starts. This time, you see Jesus running down the street with two Roman legionnaires chasing after him. After a few seconds, one of the Romans turns to the other and says…I told you we should have used Thompson Nails!
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wtf sia.
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A little old lady went into the Natwest Bank one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the manager of the bank to open a savings account because it’s a lot of money.
They finally get her into the managers office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has £100,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The manager was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, “I make bets”.
The manager replies, “Bets? What kind of bets?” and she says, “for example, I’ll bet you £5,000 that your balls are square”. “Ha!” says the manager, “That’s a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet”.
The old lady says,”So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” says the manager, “I’ll bet £5,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady says “OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?” “Sure” says the manager.
That night the manager got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.
The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the manager’s office. She introduces the lawyer to the manager and repeats the bet, that £5,000 says the manager’s balls are square. The manager agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his trousers and underwear so they can see. The manager does this. The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. “Well, OK” says the manager, £5,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure”.
Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, “What is wrong with your lawyer?”
She replies, “Nothing, except I bet him £15,000 that by 10 AM today I’d have Natwest banks manager’s balls in my hands!”
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wtf agn.
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Originally posted by freedom4ever:
A man who owns Thompson Nails, a reputable nail company decides to market his product on television so he enlists the help of a marketing firm.
He sits with the marketing director and asks…Could you please create a commercial to help sell my nails? The marketing director tells him to come back in one week.
A week passes and the man shows up for the first viewing of his commercial. It starts off with a distant view of Jesus nailed to the cross. The camera slowly focuses in on Jesus’ hand and on the head of the nail you can read…Thompson Nails.
The man is furious, you can`t expect me to run this insensitive commercial, what`s wrong with you people? The marketing director apologizes and requests the man comeback in another week to review what he promises to be a more tasteful commercial.
A week passes and the man returns, sits in the viewing room as the commercial starts. This time, you see Jesus running down the street with two Roman legionnaires chasing after him. After a few seconds, one of the Romans turns to the other and says…I told you we should have used Thompson Nails!
I like this hahahaha!
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Steven Spielberg was filming his latest movie deep in the heart of the Amazon rain forest. The costs involved in transporting the multitude of movie making equipment to the site were immense. On top of that, he had a cast of thousands to feed and clothe. It was his most expensive production yet and he sank his entire personal fortune into the project.
The biggest expense was building an exact replica of an Ancient city in the middle of the jungle. No expense was spared to make the city authentic.
The climax of the movie was to be the complete destruction of the city in a dramatic fire. Since Spielberg planned to actually burn the city to the ground, there was only one chance to film it. He set up four cameras:
"Camera one, I want you up in the helicopter to get an overhead shot of the whole scene."
"Yes, boss."
"Camera two, I want you at the edge of the clearing for a medium range shot."
"Yes, boss."
"Camera three, we've built a special fireproof hut in the center of the city. You can poke the camera through a hole in the side and get a close up view from the heart of the fire."
"OK, boss."
"Camera four, I need you at the top of that hill over there to get a long range shot."
"Gotcha, boss."
Once the cameras and actors were all in place, Spielberg himself lit the match to start the fire. It was an amazing sight. The fire raged and roared for over an hour as the entire multi-million dollar set was completely destroyed and reduced to a smoking pile of ash.
Spielberg radioed the helicopter, "Camera one, how did it go?"
"Sorry, boss, but the smoke was so thick I couldn't see a thing. Then the smoke got into the engine of the chopper and we were forced to land. I wasn't able to get anything."
"Darn it! Well, I guess I can just use the footage from the other three cameras," Spielberg thought to himself.
"Camera two, how did it go?"
"Sorry, boss, but the downdraft from the chopper blades fanned the flames and started the bush all around us on fire. We had to run to safety and the camera was burned to a crisp."
"Arghh! I guess I'll have to make do with two cameras."
"Camera three, please tell me you got the shot."
"Sorry, boss. The fireproof hut worked fine, but the lens of the camera couldn't take the heat and it melted. I didn't manage to get anything."
"I can't believe this!" cried Spielberg. "Thank God I sent that last camera up on the hill. The smoke didn't blow that way, nor was their any brush fire or heat to worry about."
He walks towards the hill, cups his hands to his mouth and hollers ...
"CAMERA FOUR!!!"
A moment later, the cameraman yells back ...
"READY WHEN YOU ARE, BOSS!"
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Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the engineers’ superior intellect).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
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Originally posted by freedom4ever:
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the engineers’ superior intellect).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
I love it
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Lmao~
+1
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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the
arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause............
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a couple of drinks.
He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went, "ah!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.Moral of the story : Don't copy, if you can't paste !
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A definition of Marketing that makes sense….
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.
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Project management and Babies Comparision
In projects different teams that collaborate come to point where they do not understand each other what they are saying. So, here is a joke that depicts this situations perfectly:
Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.
Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby. -
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?""Yeah," says the other cowboy."Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.""Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
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A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"
"About two minutes ago," came the reply. -
Originally posted by freedom4ever:
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the
arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause............
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a couple of drinks.
He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went, "ah!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.Moral of the story : Don't copy, if you can't paste !
I....RIKE IT!
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A nurse was on duty in the A & E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tottoos & wearing strange clothing, came in. After an examination, she as diagnosed with having acute appendicitis & must be operated on immediately.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green & above it there was a tattoo which read: 'keep off the grass'. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the pt's dressing which read: 'sorry... had to mow the grass'.
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some read before
But I really LOL at the Thompson Nails one
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Originally posted by richong 3216:
A nurse was on duty in the A & E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tottoos & wearing strange clothing, came in. After an examination, she as diagnosed with having acute appendicitis & must be operated on immediately.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green & above it there was a tattoo which read: 'keep off the grass'. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the pt's dressing which read: 'sorry... had to mow the grass'.
LOL!!!!