The TTFU jokes thread
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Three old friends named Jack, David, and Kevin met at a restaurant for a get-together. After finishing their meal, Kevin went to the bathroom to urinate. Jack and David then started talking about their respective sons' accomplishments.
"My son is now a successful lawyer. He's so good that everyone wants to hire him and money keeps flowing in. He's so rich that he even bought his friend a very expensive Mercedes. I'm so proud of him," Jack said with a smile on his face.
"Well, my son owns a successful business. He would buy me everything I ever wanted. And he even bought a huge mansion for his friend. I'm so happy that I raised such a good man," David said with a tear in his eye.
Kevin then joined the two and asked what they were talking about. They both explained they were talking about their sons and asked about Kevin's.
"Well, my son is nothing to be proud of. He has no job and he's gay. But I'm happy for him because his two boyfriends gave him a Mercedes and a big mansion," Kevin replied. -
GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so. What did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: That BASTARD! -
Johnny:"grandpa,do u still have sex with grandma?"
Grandpa :"yes ,but only oral."
johnny:"what is oral?"
Grandpa:"I say fuck you and she says fuck you too...!!!!!" -
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
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There were three men who were kidnapped. They were captured by hostage takers. One of the kidnappers told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The kidnappers then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the kidnappers explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." -
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lmao
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Originally posted by TTFU:
GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so. What did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: That BASTARD! -
Originally posted by TTFU:
GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so. What did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: That BASTARD!
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Originally posted by TTFU:
There were three men who were kidnapped. They were captured by hostage takers. One of the kidnappers told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The kidnappers then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the kidnappers explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." there another one the 3rd guy is coming with durians -
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" -
Originally posted by TTFU:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
haha pawned -
Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" -
This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"
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A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
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Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced." -
EPIC.
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Originally posted by TTFU:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"Gay butt sex.
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Originally posted by TTFU:
This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"
wth
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Xie xie zhi chi
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A guy loses his wife at the airport and starts searching for her. He tells another man that he is searching for his wife because he lost her.
"Are you serious? I just lost my wife as well and i dont know where she is."
"Really? Ok lets find them, how does your wife look?"
"She is tall, has blonde hair, wears black high heels and a miniskirt and a tight t-shirt. She has biig boobs and a nice face. How does your wife look?"
"Fuck her, lets find yours" -
-I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
-The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
-Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. -
The office phone rings, one of the employees picks up and says:
"What kind of an idiot is it that dares to phone me in the middle of my
lunch break?!?"
The caller shouts back: "Do you have any idea whom you are talking to...? I
am the CEO of this company!"
The employee replies: "Do you have any idea whom YOU are talking to?"
Perplexed the CEO mumbles: "NO!!!"
The employee heaves a sigh of relieve and says: "Thank goodness for that!!"
and hangs up. -
Originally posted by TTFU:
The office phone rings, one of the employees picks up and says:
"What kind of an idiot is it that dares to phone me in the middle of my
lunch break?!?"
The caller shouts back: "Do you have any idea whom you are talking to...? I
am the CEO of this company!"
The employee replies: "Do you have any idea whom YOU are talking to?"
Perplexed the CEO mumbles: "NO!!!"
The employee heaves a sigh of relieve and says: "Thank goodness for that!!"
and hangs up. -
Two friends meet:
– How's it going?
– Don't ask! I lent 10,000$ to a friend for his plastic surgery.
– And what happened?
– Now I can't collect my money because I don't know what he looks like!