The TTFU jokes thread
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– What will you get when the seven dwarves see Snow White nude?
– 7 UP! -
Teacher: Joe, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Joe: Because you told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Suzi, go to the map and find North America.
Suzi: Here it is.
Teacher: That's correct. Now, Bobby, who discovered North America?
Bobby: Suzi
Teacher: Glen, what is the chemical formula for water?
Glen: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: Where did you get that?
Glen: Yesterday you told us it was H to O.
Teacher: Barry, your essay about your dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Barry: Ma'am. It's the same dog.
Teacher: Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald: K R O K O D I A L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Name one important thing that we have today which we didn't have ten years ago.
Wendy: Me!
Teacher: George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, but then admitted it. Does anyone know why his father didn't punish him?
Brian: Because he still had the axe in his hand.
Teacher: Danny, do you say a prayer before eating?
Danny: No, ma'am. I don't have to. My mother is a good cook.
Teacher: Jake, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Jake: A teacher. -
Originally posted by TTFU:
Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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Man at the Doctor's
Doc: I have two bad news for you
Man: Bring it on
Doc: First, you have cancer
Man: Oh my god
Doc: ...and the Alzheimer's disease.
Man: Oh shit......but at least not cancer -
good
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A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "Your a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish," the genie tells her. "See this cat?" she says "I'd rather have a strong, handsome man." The genie agrees and with a ~poof~ the cat turns into an exact replica of Brad Pitt. The woman leaps into his lap. "Do you have anything to say before we make love?" she asks. "Yes," he says. "I bet you wish you hadn't neutered me last week."
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Chu Kang explains sex to his nephew, Aloysius...
Aloysius : Uncle, why is making love so enjoyable?
Chu Kang : Think of it as digging your nose, it's enjoyable right?
A : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men?
CK : Of course they do! When you dig your nose, your nose feels better than your finger, right?
A : Why do women hate it when they get raped?
CK : Say when you're down the streets and suddenly a stranger comes and dig your nose, don't you hate it?
A : Why is it a woman cannot have sex during menstruation?
CK : Would you dig your nose when your nose is bleeding? No, right?
A : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they make love?
CK : Look, do you like to dig your nose with your hand wearing gloves? It feels better without gloves, isn't it?
A : Why is making love should be done in private?
CK : Of course it should be done in private! Would you dig your nose in your class???
A: Wow, thanks Uncle, you're good. -
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Can you drive like this ?
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Originally posted by TTFU:
Can you drive like this ?
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Originally posted by TTFU:
Can you drive like this ?
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"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
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– What's the maximum speed in sex?
– 68 because at 69 you topple over. -
A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
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Dad: I told you if he touches you say "Don't," and if he kisses you say "Stop"! Is that so hard to follow?
Daughter: No dad.
Dad: Well then why did I see him smothering you just now?!
Daughter: But dad, he touched me and kissed me at the same time so I said "Don't Stop!" -
Old joke
Three convicts were getting ready to be shot to death.
When the first convict was put against the wall. He shouted :" Hurricane!" and all the soldiers looked up. The convict escaped while they were looking.
The second convict was also put against the wall. He shouted :" Flood!" and all the soldiers looked at the river. The convict also escaped.
The third convict was put on the wall. After thinking of an excuse he shouted:
"FIRE!" -
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Lame thread is lame
JOKING!
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John: “Is your sister pretty or ugly?”
Dan: “She is pretty ugly.”
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Originally posted by littlemissbonkers:
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Lame thread is lame
JOKING!
You want lame thread, go to this "jealous husband" thread. More lame.
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Originally posted by TTFU:
– What will you get when the seven dwarves see Snow White nude?
– 7 UP! -
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