USB missile launches detected on multiple fronts 
By Reg Hardware
7th July 2006 13:41 GMT
Updated What have we done? Today, we began receiving sporadic reports of the outbreak of hostilities between rival factions within the nation's offices and workplaces, all following our coverage of the USB missile launcher gizmo yesterday.
Reg Hardware, is seems, may have contributed to a major dip in the country's productivity as workers down tools and start firing small, foam rockets at each other. Entire departments are believed to have become mired in conflict.
Update
And we're now getting word of a dramatic escalation in the USB missile launcher arms race. Many Bothans died getting us these images of a USB webcam-augmented USB missile launcher.
Meanwhile, a rogue faction of Linux programmers led by one Scott Weston have hijacked a number of missile deployment units. Alas, they made a classic blunder, communicating the details of their plot and methodology in webpage form.
Thanks to the international man of mystery known only as 'Geoff' for this item.
Update ends
We received this bulletin from the front line this morning. It is typical of the many reports we are currently receiving:Due to rapid growth, our company offices are split down the middle by a public corridor; this has resulted in a 'west wing' and and 'east wing'. There have been concerns of a 'them and us' culture developing, but recent events have accelerated this beyond measure....
Comments from the West Wing are denoted with W and East with an E.
W
At last WMD in an achievable price range!
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E
It makes no mention of range. Is it a short-range or long-range intra-office balistic missile system?
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W
Good point. I'm assuming that it will go further than North Korea's little effort although I don't know if it has cross-corridor capabilities
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E
Does this mean the start of an inter-corridor arms race? We need to start preparing our defences (elastic band launchers and kamikaze stuffed penguins)...
Now where is my tin hat?
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W
I think this talk of 'arms races' and 'band launchers' is counter productive to the fragile peace that exists across our borders. This sabre-rattling about penguins only seeks to undermine the Pub-Lunch Initiatives and the Waterfront Pizza Non-Proliferation Treaty.
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E
I went to the pub for lunch, yet no member of the West wing was there. This snub sees my preparing for full scale conflict.
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A spate of comunications were intercepted during Thursday 6th July discussing armament and inter-office conflict. These communications initiated within the West Wing, and are viewed by the East Wing Government as a clear indication of West Wing aggression.
The East Wing believes this aggression to be a direct threat to our peaceful way of life, and a clear evidence of the Evil that resides within the West Wing. In the interests of preserving democracy for the free peoples of the office, the East Wing has sought access to West Wing installations for our approved weapons inspectors. This access has not been granted, and it is now clear that the West Wing is hiding an advanced and deadly inter-office weapons programme.
Subsequently, the East Wing Government feels that we are left with no choice but to launch a pre-emptive strike in defence of all that is good.
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W
The contents of our cupboards is our own business, but we would willingly grant access to these facilities in return for similar access to the cupboards of the East.
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E
We are not fooled by your request. Clearly you wish to acquire our peace-keeping technology to use it for your own non-peaceful, aggressive and evil means.
I think that the security of our wind [sic] would be compromised both by allowing access to our cupboards and by the West Wing's refusal to grant us allocated, UN-authorised, inspector access to the stationary cupboard. We can only take this time wasting move by the West Wing as a further sign of proposed action against our Wing.
I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of asymmetrical warfare waged against us.
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W
And the coffee machine and the fridge with ice cream, and the fruit!
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E
Ladies and Gentlemen. Citizens. We regret to inform you that, as of 15:18 this afternoon we were forced to launch an all out strike on Corporal Dave of the West Wing in reaction for his provocative firing of a weapon into an empty space of land in East Wing territory.
All Citizens of the East Wing are hereby ordered into high alert, and lightsabers must be kept with you at all times.
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W
Following the attack of one of our own citizens in neutral territory, the West have been forced to take hostages to ensure the saftey of our citizens in the UN sanctioned Corridor of Neutrality.
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E
What you've missed is the explosive suicide headband that one of the penguins is wearing.
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W Fool! That is not a head-band, it is his blind-fold; he will be the first to be executed following the next transgression against one of our citizens.
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E
Corporal Dave is not a citizen but a soldier, therefore under the rules of war, we can shoot the crap out of him...
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E
Some of us are thirsty, can you guarantee safe passage to the kitchen as well as an escort?
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W
We shall treat your citizens in our territory the same way you would treat one of ours on your turf. Given your human rights record to date, this may not be a favourable situation for them to be in.
Anyway, our records show that you have your own stocks of water and indeed a water cooler; it is not the view of the West that humanitarian aid is needed at this juncture.
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