Every year millions of children experience the trauma of their parents' divorce. Millions more have already gone through that pain and been affected in ways large and small. What can help children of divorce? One who has been there shares the keys that helped him through that experience.
My life was going to be forever changed, that much I could understand. I knew Mom and Dad were not getting along very well, because sometimes at night, through my bedroom wall, I could hear the sounds of arguing, then crying. But as of tonight our family would never be the same again.
A man waited in a car across the street, and when Dad got home the man gave him some papers. In less time than it takes to watch a TV sitcom, it was over. Dad packed a few things, got in his car and left. Our family of four was no more.
Divorce was a word that sounded like a bomb exploding. This was the early 1970s, and while more and more families around us were being torn apart by divorce, it had always seemed like such a remote thing. I'd heard about it, and I knew families who had gone through it, but divorce was not something that I ever imagined would touch me or my family.
But on that blackest of all nights, it did. I couldn't fathom what the future would be like, but I knew without a doubt that the rest of my life would be very different from my first 11 years.
Over the years I've likened the destruction of my family to standing on a beach with a double-fisted handful of very fine, very dry, very special sand. It has substance, but it isn't solid—it isn't anything you can really hang onto.
No matter how hard you try to squeeze and hold on to it, with every beat of your heart more of it sifts through the small gaps between your fingers and falls to the ground. You can't catch what is falling without dropping more, and you could never ever gather every grain of your special handful of sand and hold it all together again. In no time, most of it is gone and all you have left in your hands is an empty space.
continued...
Part2
Divorce's impact on children
I am far from alone in my experiences. Today the U.S. divorce rate for first marriages is 43 percent, and for second marriages it's 60 percent. Upwards of one million American children live through the divorce of their parents every year.
Whether the divorce was a messy one or a "good divorce," every one of those children is impacted in powerful and generally negative ways. For one thing, these children do not seem to know as much about building a happy marriage. The divorce rate for first marriages of children of divorce is a staggering 60 percent.
The children of divorce also have, in general, a much more difficult time with religion and a relationship with God. Statistically they are much less religious than their counterparts from intact families. They often describe themselves as equally spiritual, but they are far less involved in any form of organized religion.
Children of divorce struggle with understanding God as a loving, tender and merciful Father. A great many feel that God is distant, aloof and generally uninterested in the day-to-day concerns of humanity.
Others reject the idea of a personal God altogether and prefer to commune with the spirituality of nature or participate in solitary meditation. A real, personal, close and loving relationship with the Creator of the universe seems unattainable and perhaps undesirable.
continued...
Part3
Learning to be able to trust again
The trauma of watching parents divorce can generate mental and emotional obstacles to a strong faith, but they are not insurmountable. The keys are in trust, belonging and hope.
When parents part ways, their children often feel like a sacred trust has been broken. If I can't trust my parents to always be there for me, they say to themselves, how can I think that anyone else will, even God?
The matter is complicated for many when the Bible says God is our Father (Matthew 6:1) and their experience of a father is negative or even nonexistent. The word "father" often does not engender much trust!
But God is ever and always trustworthy. He is perfect, while our parents, no matter how wonderful they may have been, could never be. He promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5), and that is a very powerful promise!
A human being may let us down, but our Creator never will. He always knows what we need and when we need it. He may not always provide what we want at a given moment, but we can be assured that as we yield to Him, in His love and mercy He will always make sure we have what we need, which is what we would want in the long run.
Even the divorce of my parents, which hurt so deeply and changed the shape of who I would be, can be turned into something for my good (Romans 8:28 ). I may not be able to see how for a while, but that is a promise in which I can place my wholehearted trust.
continued...
Part4
Regaining a sense of belonging
A sense of belonging is also a fundamental need in nearly every one of us. The desire to belong somewhere seems to be encoded into our emotional makeup. Some people find belonging in sports or academic pursuits. Some find it in art and music, some in service and helping. Some even try to find belonging in rebelling.
Our God offers us a chance to belong, to be a part of something so much larger than ourselves. God promised to build His Church, protect it and provide for it no matter what. In fact, He promises that nothing can prevail against His Church (Matthew 16:18 ). We can be a part of something that really will change the world!
God is in the process of calling many children to Him and offering them a place in His Kingdom (Hebrews 2:10; Revelation 5:10). God is building His family, and if we humble ourselves and yield to Him, then you and I can and do belong there!
continued...
Part5
Looking forward with hope
Trust and belonging then lead to a wonderful hope. Divorce and all the accompanying pain and problems do little to foster hope for the future. But as we learn to trust our Father in heaven and realize we belong with His people and in His Kingdom, we can grasp and take to ourselves the hope God offers to all mankind!
He assures us that the world is not going to end with a total collapse of the earth's ecosystem or in a cloud of poisonous gas or in radioactive dust from a nuclear holocaust. Rather, God gives us hope through promising that He will intervene and send Jesus Christ to usher in a new and wonderful world of peace unlike anything mankind has ever seen before (Isaiah 9:7).
But more immediately, there is hope that our lives can be different. God has laws that govern relationships, especially marriage. If we will faithfully follow those laws, and revere the institution of marriage God created, we do not have to end up among the 60 percent who cannot seem to find success in marriage. We don't have to be among those without a daily relationship with the majestic God!
continued...
Part6
God means what He promises
When my parents divorced, I watched as the only family I had ever known turned to sand and drained away through my fingers. It affected the way I viewed everything in my life. But I discovered through the pages of the Bible—and through personal experience with my Creator—a trust, a sense of belonging and a wonderful hope for both now and the future.
I have never been divorced, and my wife and I have shared more than two decades together quite happily with our children. My faith is strong and growing, and it's the underlying foundation to virtually everything I have ever accomplished. My life today is fuller and more complete than I could have ever dreamed of on that dark night several decades ago.
When God inspired the apostle Paul in Romans 8:28 to pen the words "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose," He meant it—even to children of divorce. VT