Manchester United won't make the top four and Wayne Rooney's aura of invincibility will be shattered for good
America's Got Talent
Piers Morgan
In the goals: Wayne Rooney was on top form last season
WAYNE ROONEY will score 10 fewer goals than last season. The reason? Premier League defenders will have watched his dismal displays in the World Cup and suddenly realised he is not as unstoppable as they thought.
As we've seen with Tiger Woods in golf, once the aura of invicibility is shattered, it's shattered. My further prediction is that Rooney will be found gurgling in a gutter with Amy Winehouse, singing 'Rehab' at the top of his voice, as a furious Coleen clubs him with a £10,000 diamond-studded Gucci handbag.
Meanwhile, I've a sneaking feeling Dimitar Berbatov will finally show his class, and outperform Rooney. He's just too good to be as mediocre as he was last season.
Here are the rest of my predictions for the coming season:
MANCHESTER UNITED will miss a top-four position for the first time in decades. Putting aside my usual detestation of all things United, I actually believe this.
Based on current squads, I think Liverpool, Manchester City, Chelsea and Arsenal are stronger. And United clearly have serious financial restraints.
What I don't understand is why Sir Alex is so keen to support publicly the tightfisted owners who have wrecked his winning streak.
MARK HUGHES will return to 'Sparky' form at Fulham, but that will only be because of all the Viagra Mohamed Fayed slips him.
Fayed always has a few blue pills in his pocket. I actually saw him hand one to Arsene Wenger before an Arsenal game, telling him: 'This will help your team get it up later.'
He was right, we won 3-0.
THE young players of the year, both domestically and internationally, will be the two Jacks - Rodwell and Wilshere. Brilliant prospects with the steely determination to match their talent.
TITLE WINNERS? Alas, I can't look further than Chelsea. Again. They have the biggest and best squad, and a team who have tasted a lot of success in recent years.
Dream team: Jose Mourinho (left) and Cristiano Ronaldo in pre-season training
REAL MADRID will win the Champions League.
Jose Mourinho may be an unbelievably irritating, bumptious, cocky egotist (and, goodness me, I'm always SO put off by such characters ...) but he's a winner.
And judging by the way he's already shipped out creaking old showboaters like Raul and Guti, he's eagerly ripping through the problems that have held Madrid back for the last few years.
Cristiano Ronaldo AND The Special One? A dream team.
TOTTENHAM will have another very good season, but will tragically fall out of the top four on the very last day of the season after Jermain Defoe misses a penalty in the 93rd minute.
I will try to restrain my acute distress at this bitter disappointment for my north London friends.
Fabio Capello
FABIO CAPELLO will resign or be sacked before next May.
It's ridiculous he's still in the job given our shocking debacle in South Africa, and I see no prospect of anything improving as long as he remains manager.
The players don't play for him, simple as that. Harry Redknapp is the man for the job, and I'm going to keep saying it until he gets it.
(The appointment would have the dual benefit of getting him out of Spurs, too, where his rehabilitation of a once gloriously useless shower is beginning to really annoy me.)
ASHLEY COLE will become the most hated man in Spain if he goes there. Why? Because he's always the most hated man in whatever country he plays in.
Harry Redknapp
Oh dear: Robert Green after his clanger against the US
ROBERT GREEN is destined to be the most booed player in the Premier League.
It will be a tough call because most of the England squad can expect some fearful hammer this season - and quite rightly, too - but Green's calamitous clanger in that first World Cup game set the tone for our national misery.
It was like Steve Harmison's first ball in the 2006-07 Ashes series in Australia that shot through to second slip. A signal of discontent.
And I'm afraid Green will, therefore, have to cop it big time. The good news for him is that the last person to occupy this 'Most Loathed England Player' position was David Beckham after he got sent off against Argentina in 1998. And he went on to make £100million as a Hollywood clotheshorse.
So, just be patient, Greeny lad. And those Calvin Klein billboards in Times Square will all be yours.
ANDERSON and Michael Schumacher will have a car crash.
The former will emerge from the wreckage unscathed, saying: 'The car lost control at a curve and I hit a wall.'
The latter will say: 'It was an inadvertent error.' The video replay will show Schumacher deliberately ramming Anderson into the wall.
DAVID BECKHAM
will sign for Gillingham, declaring: 'It's always been my dream club.'
Coincidentally, they're also the ONLY club who wanted him. He will then spend much of the season on the bench, shouting and screaming at his team-mates to play better.
SOL CAMPBELL, depressed by the poor reaction from Newcastle fans, will start binge-eating in the Bigg Market every night until he eventually reaches the size of Mr Creosote in the Meaning of Life, and simply explodes.
Fortunately, he does this during a game against Arsenal, splattering his guts all over Steve Harper just as Walcott shoots.
Large task: Sol Campbell in training at Newcastle United
FREDDIE FLINTOFF will be appointed official Inspiration Coach for the England football team.
His first team talk will involve him picking up each player by the scruff of his waxed neck and saying: 'Right, you pampered, overpaid, underworked, whining little prima donna, let's try a bit of pride in our country today, shall we?'
BLACKPOOLWest Brom on January 12. will be relegated, some time around January 5. Closely followed by
I'm as certain of this as I was that Eva Mendes would flirt with me on American TV last week (she took about three seconds to make her move).
As for Newcastle, the third promoted team, I hope and pray they stay up.
I love the Toon Army, and their devotion deserves so much better than they've had to suffer.
MICK McCARTHY will be fired as manager of Wolves, and issue a statement saying: 'This was never about my ego. It was about doing what's best for Mick McCarthy. But hey, enough about Mick McCarthy, let's talk about Mick McCarthy.'
LIVERPOOL will have a very good season under Roy Hodgson.
Judging by what he did with Fulham's fairly average squad, imagine what he's going to do with the likes of Gerrard and Torres.
Looking up: Liverpool have a good chance with Fernando Torres in their team
And if you think you've seen profligate spending from the Arabs at Manchester City, wait until the Chinese get going at Anfield if they succeed in buying the club.
From what I saw in Shanghai recently, they are the richest of the rich, and hate being anything but No 1 in any business venture. And for those lucky Kop fans, the quality of prawn balls at half-time is going to take a massive turn for the better.
ARSENE WENGER will end his trophy drought. I know, I know, I'm biased. But I have been very impressed with the boss's close season activity.
How he thwarted Barcelona and persuaded Fabregas to stay is beyond me, but to his credit, he has done it. And this will be a hugely significant non-transfer for Arsenal.
He's also chucked out some dead wood at the back - Gallas, Campbell, Silvestre - and signed a superb defender in Laurent Koscielny to partner Vermaelen.
Arsenal open day: Cesc Fabregas (R) and Robin Van Persie warm up under the watchful eye of Arsene Wenger.
Up front, I like the look of Marouane Chamakh, who is tall, strong, fast, skilful, good in the air, a lethal finisher, and looks like Ronaldo's slightly prettier younger brother.
All we need now is a good goalkeeper, and another central defender as back-up, and I'm feeling excited again for the first time in a few years at the Emirates.
