Top 10 Things To Expect If Maradona Joins The Premier League
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Top 10 Things To Expect If Diego Maradona Joins The Premier League
Football legend and former Argentina coach Diego Maradona has been linked with the manager's job at Aston Villa.
Diego Maradona - Argentina (Getty Images)Please note the below is satirical and just a bit of fun...
10) Following his move to Villa, Maradona forces his players to join the Church of Maradona. In order to be baptised by John ‘The Baptist’ Carew, each player must emulate the 'Hand of God' at Villa Park. The first to be converted is Stilian Petrov, and Maradona announces that his team is ‘Petrov plus ten others' in a 4-1-5 formation. Diego labels his twelfth disciple, James Milner, ‘Judas’ after he joins Manchester City for 30 million pieces of silver.
9) In his opening press conference, Maradona admits he made a mistake taking the job: "I thought they wanted me to join Ricky Villa, and that we were going to manage a club in Birmingham, Alabama” - home of the Coke bottling company.
8) After being informed that Gabriel Agbonlahor once cheated on three different girls and got them all pregnant at the same time, Maradona applauds his striker and says: “As long as the girls do all the work. Gabby can’t deliver crosses, so I’m sure he won’t even attempt to deliver babies.”
7) Ashley Young is dropped from the starting XI, with Emile Heskey taking his place. When asked why, Maradona claims he had a dream that Heskey led Villa to the title by breaking the Premier League scoring record and hitting the winner on the final day of the season with a 30-yard bicycle kick against Chelsea.
This wasn't part of the dream
6) On the 25th anniversary of the famous 1986 World Cup quarter final, Maradona storms the SKY Sports studios with his trusted air rifle and wounds three pundits after they claimed that not a single Argentine, including himself, would get into the current England team. Diego then repeats his infamous Athletic Bilbao karate kick on Charlie Nicholas after the analyst replicated his line that "Wayne Rooney would be remembered as the greatest player of all time".
5) Maradona then falls out with the entire press and refuses to speak in English. Journalists are only allowed to ask questions in Spanish and when the first reporter dares to do it, Maradona grins: "Bravo, now tell your mates: 'que la chupen y que la siguen chupando!!!'"
4) Following a heated encounter between Aston Villa and Newcastle United, Joey Barton stands in front of Dieguito’s car as he attempts to drive out of the St James’ Park car park. Maradona reacts by flicking his Cuban cigar into Barton’s eye, running over the ex-convict’s leg, before making a blowjob gesture to the cameras.
Diego then makes a lurid fist gesture to Barton
3) Maradona tells Sir Alex Ferguson to “go back to the museum”, and Arsene Wenger that he “debuted with lads” after an Arsenal Under-18 team thrashes Man Utd 5-0 in the first round of the League Cup.
2) Socialist Maradona misses Aston Villa’s top of the table clash against Manchester United after travelling down to London for a 'Stop The War' protest in Hyde Park. Dieguito addresses the ten million strong crowd: “Comrades, we must end this evil imperialism. The UK and US are in Iraq and soon Iran for their oil, and in Afghanistan for their drugs.” When chairman Randy Lerner invites President Obama to Villa Park as a guest of honour, Maradona threatens to resign. “Anyone who thinks Obama is going to change the world is stupider than Pele. The puppet wants war and his entire cabinet is Wall Street. We need a revolution. Viva Fidel. Viva Chavez!”
1) After selling Milner for 30 million pieces of silver, Maradona is offered the chance to replace him with Javier Zanetti, Esteban Cambiasso, Diego Milito and Juan Roman Riquelme. El Pibe d'Oro rejects the opportunity and instead spends the money on Ariel Garce, Diego Pozo and his beloved Martin Palermo. Palermo earns a "contract for life" after bundling home an injury time winner on his debut against Chelsea, with Maradona celebrating the strike by belly-diving across the waterlogged touchline and taking out Carlo Ancelotti. "That's payback for when you hacked me during Napoli-Milan in 1988," laughs Maradona after the game.
"Carletto...Wass Up...Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!"