Why are at least half of us selecting the wrong partners?
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by Paul Mauchline
I am not an anti-divorce advocate. Divorce is necessary in cases of physical or mental abuse, or in the case of two people who are so incompatible that they never should have been together in the first place.
Certainly, if your partner is mentally or physically abusive to you or your children -- or if he or she exhibits any signs of violent behavior -- you cannot ignore these signs. You are putting yourself, and possibly others, in serious jeopardy. Divorce in such cases is merited.
However, considering the alarming divorce statistics worldwide and the growth and economic success of the divorce industry, I have to question whether we seriously consider the question -- "Are you the one for me?" -- before marriage. In my opinion, if relationships are failing at such an alarming rate, why did these people get together in the first place? I have heard many excuses for why relationships fail: "he/she has changed since we met"; "we just grew apart"; "the love just disappeared from the relationship; "we weren't compatible"; "financial troubles got in our way"; "we weren't communicating anymore"; "he/she was unfaithful and cheated on me."
To me, the reasons are not important. The real issue is why two people meet, date, court one another, commit to a relationship, purchase a home, have children, get into debt together, and then decide, "You are not the one for me." Whether you have lived together for two years or twenty years, such a decision has repercussions not only for the two individuals who are splitting up, but also for children, friends, and family as well.
Why are we failing, today, in recognizing what we want as individuals, and what we want and need from our relationships? Now, the sixty-four dollar question: why are at least half of us selecting the wrong partners? I do not feel that we are honestly examining the question "are you the one for me?" as much as we may think we are.
Relationships are a big part of life for most of us. It is part of our human existence that we choose a mate, share love and intimacy, provide comfort and security for one another, and, in many cases, have and nurture children together. Since intimate, loving relationships are so important to us, many of us are willing to make great sacrifices in order to have a relationship. When we finally meet that potential partner who pushes most of the right buttons, we feel a sense of relief that our search is now over. We are thrilled to have found a partner, a person with whom to have a relationship and share our life.
Sometimes, though, we fool ourselves in the initial euphoria of love: we are not honest with ourselves about the things that bother us about our partner. We hope that these things simply will go away. We might ignore upsetting issues and allow them to pass without challenging them, or avoid topics of discussion that could lead to disagreements. We may tell ourselves that the things that bother us about our partner are not very important or that we are being too picky. We may be hesitant about asking questions of our partner that may reveal potential problems for the relationship.
We need to make compromises in relationships, but we should not sacrifice our personal dreams and goals for them. By ignoring potential problems, we abandon ourselves for the sake of the relationship.
Many of the warning signs of incompatibility or potential conflict between two partners are present from the beginning of the relationship. The problem lies in recognizing these challenges and addressing them early on in the relationship, before they become irreconcilable differences.
If important issues are irreconcilable from the start, it is a good indication that the relationship will not succeed. Each of us is a unique person, with individual qualities, needs, strengths, and imperfections. In relationships with others, two unique individuals come together, and try to live in harmony with one another. Each person's qualities interact with the other's to set the mood or tone of the relationship. It is the cumulative effect of many attributes in another that make us feel safe and comfortable in a relationship.
Many of us fall in love with one aspect or very few aspects of our partners, and try to downplay the other aspects that make us unhappy. Often this gets us into trouble. If we spend our time and energy trying to reassure ourselves that the problems with our partner do not exist, we may be ignoring the issues that will slowly, cumulatively destroy the relationship.
Why do we choose to ignore these problems? Why do we insist on having a relationship when we know deep down inside that this person is not the one? Why do we choose to set ourselves up for emotional hurt? There are many answers to these questions, but fear is probably the greatest motivating factor for these choices.
We fear being unable to find somebody with whom to share our life. We fear living alone. We fear being the last of our friends to be in a committed relationship. We fear the financial hardships of doing it alone in a society of two-income households. We fear growing old and dying alone.
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o.o
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wall of text to plough through. but good article!
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let me offer my insight in two sentences
1. Love is blind
2. Lawyers are plentiful
I think this man is subversive btw .....
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What soleachip says....is true.
In fact, i think many of us will behave what soleachip describes including myself.
In fact, even before i saw what soleachip wrote, i did a small test.
This test was meant to answer why i did not like that particular pretty girl (she can be compared to a fairy, mind you)
As to what test, i cannot say--it's a customised package i made (heh heh)
The conclusion was that somehow, down the road the relationship will fail. We have too much of a difference--especially our perception of things.
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With the education of women, women are looking more and more at superficial apects, like the 7 C's, and less and less at the inner person, like if the guy is a caring, good person.
This is one reason guys from wealthy countries turn to 3rd world countries to look for wives. True, the woman wants to leave an impoverished existence, but she looks for different things to the educated woman. The poorer woman looks at the guy's reliablility, and if he has a good heart- will he treat me well. The poorer lady tends to also want to look after the guy too.
Educated ladies dont know how to actually pamper or look after a guy. Modern bf/gf couples are like 2 seperate people co habitating, rather than two people coming together to form a proper pairing and meshing.
A good friend of mine found an extermely rare girl. She is 24, a lawyer, slim, pretty, knows how to cook everything (her fridge is stocked with ingredients and looks like my mum's!) and even gives my friend massages when he is tired. Needless to say she gets asked out a lot by guys, even if they know she has a bf.
How many educated girls these days know how to cook, or will even spend an hour just pampering their guy like that?
Educated girls will now reply saying that - "well, guys dont do any of that for me, so why should I do it for them?"
Exactly my point- you are no longer willing to be givers, to be generous. It's all want want want, you, you, you.
I am not saying ladies shold not be educated. But ladies do need to be aware of how their higher education alters their perception of themselves, and of guys around them.
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Originally posted by OneWithTheForce:
With the education of women, women are looking more and more at superficial apects, like the 7 C's, and less and less at the inner person, like if the guy is a caring, good person.
This is one reason guys from wealthy countries turn to 3rd world countries to look for wives. True, the woman wants to leave an impoverished existence, but she looks for different things to the educated woman. The poorer woman looks at the guy's reliablility, and if he has a good heart- will he treat me well. The poorer lady tends to also want to look after the guy too.
according to your logic, all that stands in the way of superficiality is education. suppose all it takes to change a poor woman is educate her because education breeds superficiality...that's scary.
the widespread view is that women seek providers. men seek nurturers. and marriage is a result of this trading of needs.
the thing is, different people set different standards. they then adjust their standards according to what they can get and what they can afford to give. it's as simple as that.Originally posted by OneWithTheForce:Educated ladies dont know how to actually pamper or look after a guy. Modern bf/gf couples are like 2 seperate people co habitating, rather than two people coming together to form a proper pairing and meshing.
A good friend of mine found an extermely rare girl. She is 24, a lawyer, slim, pretty, knows how to cook everything (her fridge is stocked with ingredients and looks like my mum's!) and even gives my friend massages when he is tired. Needless to say she gets asked out a lot by guys, even if they know she has a bf.
If modern men don’t require modern women to shoulder modern debt that comes with modern marriage, then asking modern women to assume the role of a traditional nurturer is reasonable. The problem starts when they want a contributor, partner, nurturer, lover, mother all rolled into one. The problem is modern generation have all gone soft. We like the concept of all for very little (better still, nothing at all).
A good friend of mine also found an real good catch as well. 28, self made businessman, caring and does all the housework. He even brewed herbal tea when she was sick.
The moral of the story is simple:
Researchers discovered that high-IQ women saw marriage prospects fall dramatically, but men with high IQs had little trouble finding a mate. They found that for each 16-point rise in a woman’s IQ, her marriage prospects declined by 40%, but the man’s chances of marriage increased by 35% with each rise. Such is life.
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Originally posted by soleachip:
Researchers discovered that high-IQ women saw marriage prospects fall dramatically, but men with high IQs had little trouble finding a mate. They found that for each 16-point rise in a woman’s IQ, her marriage prospects declined by 40%, but the man’s chances of marriage increased by 35% with each rise. Such is life.
Did these researchers say anything about what methodology, sampling, and etc they used to arrive at these findings? -
Originally posted by OneWithTheForce:
With the education of women, women are looking more and more at superficial apects, like the 7 C's, and less and less at the inner person, like if the guy is a caring, good person.
This is one reason guys from wealthy countries turn to 3rd world countries to look for wives. True, the woman wants to leave an impoverished existence, but she looks for different things to the educated woman. The poorer woman looks at the guy's reliablility, and if he has a good heart- will he treat me well. The poorer lady tends to also want to look after the guy too.
Educated ladies dont know how to actually pamper or look after a guy. Modern bf/gf couples are like 2 seperate people co habitating, rather than two people coming together to form a proper pairing and meshing.
A good friend of mine found an extermely rare girl. She is 24, a lawyer, slim, pretty, knows how to cook everything (her fridge is stocked with ingredients and looks like my mum's!) and even gives my friend massages when he is tired. Needless to say she gets asked out a lot by guys, even if they know she has a bf.
How many educated girls these days know how to cook, or will even spend an hour just pampering their guy like that?
Educated girls will now reply saying that - "well, guys dont do any of that for me, so why should I do it for them?"
Exactly my point- you are no longer willing to be givers, to be generous. It's all want want want, you, you, you.
I am not saying ladies shold not be educated. But ladies do need to be aware of how their higher education alters their perception of themselves, and of guys around them.
This is so far off base it's barely worth commenting on. Maybe you'd be happier living in your grandparents' era or something.
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Beri cheem.
I only know. My ex hub is the right man for me, unfortunately, he did some wrong things.
Thats all.
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haha...become very cheem liao...
i only know such relationship goes both ways---you can't keep expecting the other party to give. the receiver will feel very pressurised as the receiver is unable to give back anything.
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marriage is complicated. Many say it is a gamble. Sigh!
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Originally posted by av98m:
Did these researchers say anything about what methodology, sampling, and etc they used to arrive at these findings?it's based on IQs of 900 people between 10 and 40 years of age and their marital prospects. high IQ women work hard at demanding jobs, resulting in their need for 'interesting men' while the men prefer traditional wives, usually a copy of their mothers.
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The world's population is so fucking huge at more than 6 billion.
The odds of you finding your one and only true soulmate is almost 1 in 3 billion.
Winning toto now seems much easier, doesn't it?
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Originally posted by charlize:
The world's population is so fucking huge at more than 6 billion.
The odds of you finding your one and only true soulmate is almost 1 in 3 billion.
Winning toto now seems much easier, doesn't it?
we're living in the 21st century. the concept of multiple soulmates floating 'out there' makes more sense.
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Originally posted by soleachip:
it's based on IQs of 900 people between 10 and 40 years of age and their marital prospects. high IQ women work hard at demanding jobs, resulting in their need for 'interesting men' while the men prefer traditional wives, usually a copy of their mothers.
I remember reading about the correlationship between IQ and single parenthood ....
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Originally posted by soleachip:
it's based on IQs of 900 people between 10 and 40 years of age and their marital prospects. high IQ women work hard at demanding jobs, resulting in their need for 'interesting men' while the men prefer traditional wives, usually a copy of their mothers.
I see!
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Originally posted by charlize:
The world's population is so fucking huge at more than 6 billion.
The odds of you finding your one and only true soulmate is almost 1 in 3 billion.
Winning toto now seems much easier, doesn't it?
I only love you lizzy. *muacks* -
Originally posted by charlize:
The world's population is so fucking huge at more than 6 billion.
The odds of you finding your one and only true soulmate is almost 1 in 3 billion.
Winning toto now seems much easier, doesn't it?
haha, nice way to put it, but thou there`s only 1 amongst the 3 billion that will live w u forever til u die, there`re more than enuff capable of making it happen..so, hitting toto is still harder, think of it as buying more tickets at the same draw, hahaha...
cheers
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"it's based on IQs of 900 people between 10 and 40 years of age and their marital prospects. high IQ women work hard at demanding jobs, resulting in their need for 'interesting men' while the men prefer traditional wives, usually a copy of their mothers.
"Are there any attractive uni educated ladies out there who would be willing to lower their expectation, so that a balding fat guy who isnt the life of the party, has a chance? Only criteria for the attractive educated girl is they have to have to be kind.
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Originally posted by OneWithTheForce:
"it's based on IQs of 900 people between 10 and 40 years of age and their marital prospects. high IQ women work hard at demanding jobs, resulting in their need for 'interesting men' while the men prefer traditional wives, usually a copy of their mothers.
"Are there any attractive uni educated ladies out there who would be willing to lower their expectation, so that a balding fat guy who isnt the life of the party, has a chance? Only criteria for the attractive educated girl is they have to have to be kind.
how about you lower your expectations instead? really. -
well, it takes 2 hands to clap.
sometimes its aint about lowering expectations, rather its about how fast u meet the one tt`s gonna accept u for who u are..
cheers to all the singles out there