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DISCLAIMER
The below article was written in good humour. The writer had no intention whatsoever to offend anyone, petty or otherwise. The story and characters are fictional and any resemblance to real life situations or persons, dead or alive, is purely coincidental. The writer bears no responsibilities for any mental aguish caused and will not be liable to lawsuits of any forms.
WORLD CLASS UNIVERSITY
Nanyang Technological University (NTU) revealed its plan to set up a new school yesterday.
At a press conference held at the Main lecture theatre (MLT), spokesman for the President, Miss Tua Kang, who is also the head of the Office of Public Investment and Strategical Simulation of Education Development (O PISSED) said, "In view of the highly acclaimed `knowledge based economy' and the fact that most Singaporean students are suckers for cheem terms and propagandas, the new school will be aptly named "School of Quantum-Nuclear and Bio- Political Engineering". With the through train system where secondary school students forgo their `O' levels to do the `A' levels getting excellent raves from elite Junior Colleges, we are pleased to announce that the new School will also implement such a system where students forgo their Bachelor Degree to go on straight to do their PhDs.
With this scheme in place, NTU had taken a large step towards becoming a world class university." Miss Tua ended her speech with tears of pride lingering in her eyes, her voice choking with sudden emotion.
Next, the panel of distinguished and extremely busy (read: frequently MIA) key appointment holders welcomed sensible questions from the reporters, all hailing from respectable press holdings and world renowned academic publications, CPL Rod Loh from PIONEER Magazine posed this question: What will be the subjects taught in the new school?
Dean of School of Quantum-Nuclear and Bio-Political Engineering, Professor Bei Shu replied:" For the first 2 years, students will read the common engineering subjects, equipping themselves with a massive array of theoretical knowledge which they may find completely useless. But the long term advantages are definitely there. Let me give you some practical examples. EEE students who have read Fluid Mechanics will most likely be able to repair toilet pipes at their future companies should the need arises. CEE students who have read Electric Circuits and Electronics would be able to modify their employers' sons' Xbox to play pirated games. These are all excellent ways to score points with the boss. Besides, if students weren't made to read so many subjects, they will be able to graduate in 3 years and the University's revenue will be greatly reduced. Consequently, my paycheck will be greatly reduced. This is unthinkable!"
Mr Zhong Wenqiang, education correspondent from the Chinese tabloid, Lian Lian Wanbao, asked:" What are the job prospects of the first batch of graduates from the new school?"
Dr Chin Chong Ming, Vice Dean of the school, replied:" Nowadays, the economy is on a down slope and it is likely that the situation will not pick up for quite a while. Nevertheless, we are confident that our students will be able to find jobs easily upon their graduation. By the time they have completed this gruelling course, they will be well versed in everythingÂ…I repeat, EVERYTHING. Their title `Dr of Engineering (chapalang) with a minor in Productive Anti Terrorism Studies' is accredited and recognized worldwide. That means, if they cannot survive locally, or for males, sick of ICTs and IPPTs, they can always be a quitter and be a foreign talent elsewhere."
Miss Ming Tianhao, trainee journalist from Tomorrow (no relation to Today) asked:" what are the estimated `A' levels results to be eligible for this course?"
Dr Chin replied," I must stress that this is a very demanding course. Only the fittest survive. The bare minimum is 5 As and 3 S-paper distinctions. Successful candidates must go through 4 rounds of interviews, 3 physiological tests, 2 Individual Physical Proficiency Tests, 1 Standard Obstacle Course and 10 Unarmed Combat lessons. Bespectacled nerds from top JCs will be given priority. Come onÂ… it is no secret that this is an elitist University. Meritocracy is just a sugar-coated term coined to justify our policiesÂ…Â…By the way, did I mention that there will only be one graduate from the entire cohort?"
The last statement drew many blank stares from the press present. All were visibly puzzled, including this reporter from Red Tomato Tribune. Dr Chin went on:" well.. in a bid to make the students' lives more challenging, vibrant and exciting, the course structure would be such that students can vote off each other. At the end of each week, the weakest link ie the student with the most votes will have his/her academic flame extinguished and will be asked to leave the school. This may sound cruel but our aim is to let students understand that nice guys do not always win. You need a certain amount of shrewdness, tactical awareness and balls handling skill to succeed in the dog world. A fake smile helps a lot too. Society does not tolerate you going unmasked."
Dr Chin strongly rebuked suggestions that this idea came from certain television shows. After the press have field their questions, we were treated to a tea reception consisting of scrumptious NTU fair. In true spirit of the grateful benefactors, an announcement was promptly made over the PA system:
" This tea reception would be impossible without these kind sponsors:
Canteen A soggy Ban Mian
Canteen A crispy, oily and tasteless carrot cake,
Canteen 9 mixed vegetable rice RUDE uncle
Meanwhile, NTU students will be able to take a new GE next semester. The new GE, G007, International Espionage and Safe Sex is expected to be a hit with male students. Interested students must seek approval from their respective counsellors. Vacancies are limited.
In a completely unrelated event, Student Affairs Office (SAO) had announced that the Golden Matric Number of 888888A88 will be offered to the highest bidder. Filthy rich students can obtain the bidding form at SAO.
Alternatively, they can log on to www.ntu.edu.sg/facai.html to bid online. The lowest bid starts at S$8888.00. The winner will be given the Golden Matric Number on 1st April. In addition, all bidders will receive one Flowerhorn (Luohan fish).
This writer is a struggling student from a world-class university. He hopes to join The Amazing Race and have a higher vertical leap. The rumour about him and the Mechmaster Ah Lian cashier is not true.
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." - The Dalai Lama