There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of
his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just
before he died, he said to his wife,
"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the
casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got
ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She
had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they
rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go
back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money
in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the
>study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester,
>Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized.
>He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
>
>The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat
>in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed
>birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs
>were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the
>students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give
>its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. Joe looked at
>each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started
>to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and
>now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought
>about the situation, the angrier he got. Finally he reached his
>boiling point.
>
>He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his
>exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he
>told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these
>birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off
>I've ever seen!" With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit.
>The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain
>his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the
>prof shouted out, Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?" Joe
>turned around, pulled up his pant, showed his legs and hollered,
>"You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
Sex frogs
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in
search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box
full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back
Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man
packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she
closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and
reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing
happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She
re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,
"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the
girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him
in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and
the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me frog! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Haix,go to jokes.com or something la, hehe
LEAP OF FAITH
*esp for avid soccer fans*
beckham, zidane and figo are caught on the roof of a burning building. local firefighters arrv wif nothing but a huge blanket.
'jump!' they shout to figo. 'dun worry, we'll catch u!'
figo looks at becks and zidane, gives a nod and leaps fr the building. then, juz as he's abt to land in the outstretched blanket, the firefighters move out the way, leaving him to fall to his death.
'one less galactico!' they cry wif laughter.
regardless, zidane has no hope but to jump : 'if u move,' he shouts, 'ze entire french squad will kill u!'
with dat, he leaps out. down he goes til at the last moment, the firefighters move out the way allowing the friar to fall to his death.
only beckham is left.
'just jump,' shout the flame-bashers, assuring becks dat his fellow footballers 'misjudged'.
'how stupid do u think i am?' screams beckham. 'put dat blanket on the ground and stand back!'
Ahmad died in a fire and his body was so badly burnt that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. They called up his two best friends, Ah Beng and Muthu.
Ah Beng went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Ah Beng said,"Wah, he's very barbecued like 'char siu'. Please roll him over, and I will tell you whether if he's my friend Ahmad or not."
The mortician rolled the body over and Ah Beng looked at his ass and immediately said, "No-lah, that isn't Ahmad."
The mortician was puzzled but didn't say anything.
He then went and got Muthu to inspect the body. Muthu looked closely and said,"Yes, it is true he's burnt very badly, but roll him over and I'll see if he's my friend Ahmad."
Again the mortician rolled the body over and Muthu looked down at the ass and said, "Oh thank goodness, this is not Ahmad!!"
The mortician was extremely puzzled, and unable to stand it any longer he asked, "Okay, you have to tell me now - how can you and Ah Beng tell whether it is Ahmad just by looking at the ass?"
Muthu replied, "It's simple really, you see, Ahmad had two assholes!" "What?!!" the mortician said with disbelief, "He had two assholes?!!"
"Oh yes! Everyone in Penang Road knows this because every time the three of us go out, people always say, "Here comes Ahmad with the two assholes."
Lim Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 0. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.This is what he came up with.
"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushes out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw out. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he runs away.
So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1".
COMMUNICATION
Mr. Prafulbhai Patel comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news:
I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave mea test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Patel receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the
electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Patel?"
"Yes...... speaking"
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, we keep track of these things. It's in our files!" says the AEC guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ......HOW ?????"
"Yes, well ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD!!!! ......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry.... I am just following orders... I have to inform you that you are overdue"
"I KNOW that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight... he will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he is livid! Mad as a bull, he rushes to the AEC office
the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at reception, "it's nothing serious; just one month overdue. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? This is preposterous! And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"Good God .. And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know, Sir. I guess she'd just have to use candles until it's reconnected."
man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Read it twice if you don't get it.
>>A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
>>They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
>>The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
>>galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
>>
>>"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
>>once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
>>twice. Then I come one lasta time."
>>
>>"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady dignantly. "In this country
>>we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
>>
>>"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
>>I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
CHILD: Dad, where did I come from?
DAD: Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!..
Listen...
Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net.
I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in
the bathroom at the Cyber Caf?
Then, mom did some downloads from dads memory
stick and when dad was ready to upload, we discovered
that there was no firewall.
Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just
carried on doing the upload.
Nine months later, the damn virus appeared!.
CHILD: Huh?
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he
noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million
American Women Want."
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing
through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're
doing?"
He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my
name right."
haha,never mind..this looks like my chance to post something.
Son asks: Dad, why does making love feel so good?
Dad said: Its just like picking your nose. Of course it feels good.
Son asks: Then why don't men feel as good as girls?
Dad said: Because when you pick your nose, its your nose that feel good, not your finger.
Son asks: Then why do women feel bad when they are being raped?
Dad said: If one day, when you're walking in the street, someone suddenly came over and picked your nose, will you feel good?
Son asks: Why do the girls not want to make love when they have their period?
Dad said: If your nose is bleeding, will you still pick it?
Finally, son asks: Then why don't guys want to use condoms?
Dad replies: Will you wear a glove to pick your nose?
