just for laughs
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George Bush meets with the Queen of England.
>>
>>He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
>>government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
>>
>>"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
>>yourself with intelligent people."
>>
>>Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
>>intelligent?"
>>
>>The Queen takes a sip of tea.
>>
>>"Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence
riddle".
>>
>>The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
>>
>>"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
>>
>>Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
>>
>>The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
>>father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
>>sister. Who
is
>>it?"
>>
>>Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be
me."
>>
>>"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
>>
>>Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
>>Cheney.
>>
>>"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
>>It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
>>
>>"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on
>>that one."
>>
>>Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can
give
>>him
>>an answer.
>>
>>Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's
>>shoes in the next stall.
>>
>>Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and
>>father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is
>>it?"
>>
>>Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
>>
>>Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
>>
>>Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush.
>>
>>"Sir, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's
>>Colin Powell."
>>
>>Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
>>face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!" -
Lol...
a nice twist at the end... -
There's also a local version of this joke, one that involves SM Goh, Tony Tan , Dr Mahatir and Anwar (back when Anwar was still deputy PM of Malaysia)
-
very funny.. forwarded to my collegues... all of them said it was very funny.
-
1. After 20 Years
>
> There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
> they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
> Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
> would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
> the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
> lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery
> operated pleasure device... a vibrator... soft, wonderful and larger
> than a real one. She goes completely ballistic. " You impotent bastard,
> " she screamed at him, " how could you be lying to me all of these
> years? You better explain yourself! The husband looks her straight in
> the eyes and says calmly: " I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the
> kids. "
> -
Oscar Weil and Benjamin Oppenheimer are Jews, and were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in Shanghai.
"Oscar," asked Benjie, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Oscar replied."Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Benjie asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews here in Shanghai?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Benjie asked.
"I will check again, sir" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Oscar said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China, our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Benjie asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I asked everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, apple Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews ! If you want, we have Chinese Tea." -
2. Dinner Conversation Went Wrong
>
> Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
>
> Husband: "Definitely not!"
>
> Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>
> Husband: "Of course I do."
>
> Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>
> Husband: "okay, ... I'd get married again."
>
> Wife: "You would???" (with a hurtful look on her face)
>
> Husband: (makes an audible groan)
>
> Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>
> Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
>
> Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>
> Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
>
> Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
>
> Husband: "No, ...she's left-handed."
>
> Wife: (silence)
>
> Husband: "Oh...Shit." -
guys, give me a better joke... first joke is still the best... the rest, i cannot forward to my collegues.
-
Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. George Bush asks if he would like to play a fun game. Saddam, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch few winks. Bush persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says,"I ask you a question, and if you don''t know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.
Bush, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don''t know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don''t know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches Saddam''s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
George Bush asks the first question:"What''s the distance from the earth to the moon?" Saddam Hussein doesn''t say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the George Bush.
"Okay", says the George Bush ,"your turn."
Saddam asks,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
George Bush , puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes Saddam and hands him $500. Saddam thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
George Bush , who is more than a little miffed, stirs Saddam and asks, "Well, what''s the answer?"
Without a word, Saddam reaches into his purse, hands George Bush $5,and goes back to sleep. -
How to Mess With the IRS
(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.)
--Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
--Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
--Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
--If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
--On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
--Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.
--Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.
--When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
--If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
--Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
--Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.
NOTE: These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with The Man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money -
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20 -
Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.'' -
There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''
The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.
At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''
The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''
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The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text ofthe Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master,he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every versionof the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a screamin the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits,the Pope sobs again,"It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!" -
there's no queen of england i believe, only queen of uk
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dun understand... please explain..Originally posted by Ferret:-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text ofthe Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master,he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every versionof the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a screamin the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits,the Pope sobs again,"It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!" -
Celibate. Celibacy. You know ?Originally posted by Glen999:dun understand... please explain..
Celebrate without the "R" become celebate.. Geddit ?
Er.r.r.r....I dunno clear or not. Not very good with explanations.
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celebrate without r = celebate as in no sex get it now?Originally posted by Glen999:dun understand... please explain.. -
but what is the funny part?Originally posted by hisoka:celebrate without r = celebate as in no sex get it now?