Slick Jokes (III) - pls contribute!
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Hey got a nice joke to share with you guys, not really PG but its just for the harmless fun of it ( after all i dont come online to +1 +1 / talk crap )
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These jokes are 100% original: I heard them from my friends! Not those you find in those lame + full of spyware + full of ads + pretentious humor sites found on the bullcrap internet.
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1) Why dont Moths wear underwear?
Ans: Erm friend,.., have you seen the size of moth balls?
2) What did the typhoon say to the coconut tree?
Ans: Hold on to your balls, this is going to be a heck of a blow job!
pls contribute -
Ali: Which is the most strangest fruit.
Tom: Durian?
Ali: No
Tom: Rambutan?
Ali: No
Tom: Okay what's the answer?
Ali: Apple!
Tom: So, what's so strange about apple?
Ali: I don't know! That's why it's strange! -
lol they're okay, but they're kinda short. maybe a paragraph or so would be better.
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's pretty cute, but can u hold peanuts with it?
Don't wish a guy sweet dream wish him a wet one
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haha thats funnie/..
Ok now a new one:
In the forest there was a pig.. and he loves to run around telling people the right thing to do.
So, one day, this piggy saw an elephant smoking crack, so the piggy say "Elephant, elephant, stop taking drugs, come and run around with me".. So the elephant followed the pig as they went deeper into the forest.
Then they came across a zebra sniffing glue, so the piggy say the same thing, and soon the 3 happy friends were jumping around the forest, clean from drugs.
Then they came across a toad, which was chewing shrooms, the same thing happen, and the 4 friends continue running...
Finally, the 4 friends chance upon a Lion, which was smoking heroine.. and the piggy said "Lion, Lion, stop taking drugs, come and play with us!"
The Lion ate up the piggy instantly.
The Zebra broke down in tears, "why did you kill him? he's such a nice friend who is willing to help us break free from drugs!"
The lion said, ruefully, "Wah lao eh, this Piggy ah.. whenever he is high on ecstacy, would come around bugging people." -
I heard this fr a taiwan variety show by Jacky Wu, thought it was damn funny
Xiao Bai + Xiao Bai = ?
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Xiao Bai + Xiao Bai = Xiao Bai 2 (Rabbit)
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Originally posted by Beep:haha thats funnie/..
Ok now a new one:
In the forest there was a pig.. and he loves to run around telling people the right thing to do.
So, one day, this piggy saw an elephant smoking crack, so the piggy say "Elephant, elephant, stop taking drugs, come and run around with me".. So the elephant followed the pig as they went deeper into the forest.
Then they came across a zebra sniffing glue, so the piggy say the same thing, and soon the 3 happy friends were jumping around the forest, clean from drugs.
Then they came across a toad, which was chewing shrooms, the same thing happen, and the 4 friends continue running...
Finally, the 4 friends chance upon a Lion, which was smoking heroine.. and the piggy said "Lion, Lion, stop taking drugs, come and play with us!"
The Lion ate up the piggy instantly.
The Zebra broke down in tears, "why did you kill him? he's such a nice friend who is willing to help us break free from drugs!"
The lion said, ruefully, "Wah lao eh, this Piggy ah.. whenever he is high on ecstacy, would come around bugging people." -
this one i got from my mail:
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after
the attack on the Pentagon.
"I am sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in
case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies
of everything."
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Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to
you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs........ I
would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with
that.........
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in American now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops.... will call back in an hour!! -
I like this two !Originally posted by Beep:this one i got from my mail:
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after
the attack on the Pentagon.
"I am sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in
case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies
of everything."
\==
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to
you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs........ I
would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with
that.........
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in American now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops.... will call back in an hour!! -
Heh. My contribution.
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
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A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
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One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.
When she found Joey she told him what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was.
Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!" -
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." -
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
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One Sunday, my priest asked if I could cover his Confession shift for him -- he said it was easy, since he had a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance. I agreed and took the booth early on Sunday morning. Soon people showed up.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."
"Adultery, eh?" I said. "You sly devil. That'll be three hail mary's, plus five bucks."
"Thank you, Father." Another person came into the booth.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."
"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be 5 hail mary's, plus fourteen bucks."
"Thank you, Father." This was easy, I thought. I can handle this. Another person came into the booth.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have commited the sin of butt-sex."
"Butt-sex, huh?" I looked at the list, but I didn't see butt-sex there. I excused myself to see if I could get some help. I found a choir boy hanging out on the steps of the church.
"Excuse me," I said. "What does Father Matthew give for buttsex?"
"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the womanÂ’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.” -
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''
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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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wah ur jokes a bit angmoh leh, i dun like ang moh jokes
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rofl rofl
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wah lau. Mai hiam lah. I dont see anyone else posting alsoOriginally posted by Beep:wah ur jokes a bit angmoh leh, i dun like ang moh jokes