First a wife, then a career woman
Modern marriages might benefit if women rediscovered their feminine side
Today
July 5, 2005
I WAS chastised by reader Eunice Lim ("Obedience or subservience?", July 2, 2005) for having my judgment "clouded" by my grandfather's "obsolete concept of family values". "Two generations, one Women's Charter, and numerous amendments later, they no longer deserve any place in society", she asserted.
In Singapore, the divorce rate is rising. There are more single, highly educated women now than two generations ago. A growing number of Singaporean men prefer to marry women from Vietnam and China.
While there are many factors contributing to this situation, one reason could be that, with education, women are now less willing to work at a marriage when they encounter problems. Financially independent, it is much easier for them to throw in the towel.
I believe that more women are walking out of marriages nowadays because they have lost that feminine touch. In the past, women accepted that they were feminine. Being feminine does not make one weak.
With the feminist movement and the demand for equal rights, many women have the misconception that to be a modern woman, one has to behave like a man.
It is right to fight for equal rights at work. But if we behave the same way at home as in the workplace, then our husband might as well marry his male co-worker.
Twelve years ago, as I was climbing the corporate ladder, I began to neglect my husband. One day, my husband sat me down and told me that if I did not do anything about our marriage, it would be tough for him to resist temptation. Other women were beginning to show an interest in him.
My husband gently reminded me that I was a wife first, then a mother, and finally a career woman. If he had wanted a woman to keep house and feed his children, he would have married a maid.
That was a wake-up call for me. I re-examined my role in the marriage. Did I spend too much time on my projects and with my colleagues? When was the last time we had a date and laughed together? Did I not neglect my wifely duty in the bedroom, giving him the excuse that I am too tired and stressed? Instead of wanting to transform him, I re-assessed my priorities and values.
We began to spend more time together. Today, we still take a one-hour walk every day to recharge and refocus on each other.
Judging from readers' responses to my article, "To love is to obey", I surmise that in today's world, obedience has become an unacceptable concept. Women view obedience as a sign of weakness. Perhaps it is time for us women to re-examine my grandfather's "obsolete" values and rediscover our feminine side.
Letter from Frances Ong Hock Lin
