Pyoro's lame jokes
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once there was a girl who didnt have a boy friend. one day she met an accident and was rush to the hospital... she was nearly dead, when they found out that the hospital didnt have enough blood for her. just then a man appeared and donate his blood to her.
when the girl recover, they fell in love ....
then one day the girl decided to break off with the man, and claimed back all the presents she gave him...
the man was very angry , and demanded the girl to pay him back his blood...
and the girl throw some used sanitary napkins to the guy.... -
A boy went to the cinema to watch a movie. However, he kept went back to the counter to but tickets. The ticket seller then ask the boy, " Boy, i have sold u so many tickets already. Y do u still want some more?" The boy then replied," the man at the door always tore my tickets whenever i wanted to enter the cinema.
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Why will Zhou Jielun get caught by the police when he is crossing the road?
Because he is jay walking.
Xiao Hong, Xiao Bai, Xiao Hei, Xiao Lan, Xiao Huang, who cannot tahan roller-coasters?
Xiao Bai, because always Xiao Bai Tu
Which Chinese host does not have centre parting?
Wu Zhong Xian
Which animal should you look for if you're unable to open a bottle cap?
Peacock, because kong que kai ping
Which button on your keyboard cannot sing?
F4
Why is fish cunning?
Because yu pian mi fen (fish lie to bee hoon)
What animal falls down the most?
Fox, because they jiao hua
Which emperor (huang di) is blind?
Kang Xi (can't see)
Why do BMW cars get vandalised easily?
BMW = Break My Window
Why is the letter F most sad in the alphabet?
FBI (F Bei Ai) -
An old man was lying critcally ill in hospital, the doctor feared that he might not be able to leave past that night, so his family, all christian quickly ask their church priest to attend to that sickly old man for a prayer.
He arrived soon after but the moment he stand beside the bed and pray, the old man who was sedated, soon experience breathing difficulty. The old man family broke down in tears and the priest continue to pray silent as they knew his time is up.
That old man quickly took a pen and paper and scribble some notes to the father, The priest folded and kept the notes in his pocket without looking at it, "Since it is your last wishes I promised not to look at it. Rest assured, I will pass this to your family."
The old man passed away and during his wake, the priest pass the note to his daughter saying, "Your father left some notes for you and his loved one, now i shall pass it back to you..."
The old man's daughter unfold the note and its read:
YOUR BLOODY ***HOLE! WHY ARE YOU STEPPING ON MY OXYGEN TANK???!!! -
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Judi was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button."
I foolishly asked what she was doing.
Judi pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said,
"Depress button for ice". -
Here's a collection of doctors' notes on patients' charts:
1. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
2. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
3. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
4. The patient refused an autopsy.
5. The patient has no past history of successful suicides.
6. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
7. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
8. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
9. She is numb from her toes down.
10. The skin was moist and dry.
11. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
12. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
13. Skin: Somewhat pale but present
14. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. -
The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word--ever. It was believed he was severely autistic.
One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay." -
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." -
One day US president George W. Bush went to visit a school, as he enter a grade 2 classroom, he heard the teacher explaining the word "tragedy" to her pupils... After the teacher finished, Bush suddenly ask her pupils "ok children, can any1 stated me an eg. of what is tragedy?"
A boy suddenly raised his hand and answered, "I know, it is when a school bus crash and everyone including the children died"
"Nope, That is not a tragedy, that is a loss of life" Bush replied
Another boy raised his hand and said, "I know it was when a terrorist crash his vehicle full of explosives into a US army encampment in Iraq and all the soldier died"
"A good try, but that is not an eg of tragedy, that is a considered as a great loss to a country"
Suddenly a girl shouted "I know! I know! It is when Mr and Mrs bush are travelling in Air Force one, suddenly terrorists launch an attack and destroy the plane!!!"
"Ah-ha, very clever! That is the epitome of an tragedy. Smart girl why do you think that is a tragedy"
"Very simple!! Because it is neither a loss of life nor izzit a great loss to the country" -
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. -
9/11, bush received a phone call by saddam.
bush: what the frick you are calling me for?
saddam: sorry for the lost... such great buildings, so many people... what a tragedy...
bush: what building? what poeple?...
saddam: ehhhh.. what time is it??
bush: 2pm what the F*** you are talking about..
saddam: sorry wrong time.... call you back in 1 hour...
after pentagon is being bombed... china called
Hu: hello this is Hu Jing Tao.
Bush: oh mr hu!
Hu: i would like to express my greastest apology in my heart towards such tragedy.
bush: oh thank you.
Hu in case there is any important document lost in the penmtagon, pls call us, we can give you our copy.
bush and powell talking abt an attack in invading afganistan.
bush: you think no one will criticise us?
powell: very sure.
a bar tender walk by.
Powell: we are expecting to invade afganistan and kill 3 million of afgans and 2 hair barbers.
bar tender: 2 hair barbers? what the hell they are involve in this attack??
Powel turn to bush: see? nobody care about the 3 million afgans. -
Some not- too- smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easily thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault, they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened.
They didn t find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they left something for us to eat"
The next day, while listening to the news they hear: "Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people." -
43 Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies
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1) During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
2) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.
4) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
Bread.
5) It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
6) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.
7) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
9) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
10) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
11) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade.
12) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
13) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
14) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
15) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.
16) Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from
elsewhere in the universe.
17) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
1 If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
19) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat
it.
20) Cars that crash will almost always get airborne and burst into
flames.
21) The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or
give him 48 hours to finish the job.
22) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of
RFK Stadium.
23) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24) Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have
lost this technology.
25) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
26) It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.
27) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road you must turn the
steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
2 All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
are visiting.
30) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
31) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.
32) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they
will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
33) No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
34) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
35) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.
36) You can always find a chain saw when you need one.
37) Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
3 An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause
no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
39) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.
40) The average hotel pool is deep enough for you to survive a fall
from any floor.
41) An Asian crime lord will always have a beautiful daughter named
either "Jade" or "Lotus Blossom."
42) Traveling between any two points in New York City will always take
you past the Statue of Liberty, Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park,
and the New York Public Library.
43) By the 23rd Century, everyone in the human race will be beautiful.
Humanity will compensate for this by wearing awful clothes. -
First Grade Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose. -
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't
reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch *****."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut." -
LIFE'S LAWS
1. Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it probably will.
2. Cameron's Law: If you don't do anyting, you can't do anything wrong.
3. First Law of Money Dynamics: Unexpected monetary gains will always be offset by unexpected expenses in the same amount.
4. Morris's Law: Anyone can admit to themselves that they were wrong. The true test is admitting to someone else.
5. McGee's Law: It's amazing how quickly it takes to complete something you're not working on.
6. Pinto's Law: Do someone a favour and it becomes your job.
7. Connor's Law: If something is confidential, it will be left on the copier machine.
8. Benchley's Productivity Principle: Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
9. Gluck's Law: Whichever way u turn upon entering the lift, the buttons will be on the opposite side.
10. Brown's Rule: The key to happiness is a bad memory.
11. Wingfield's Axiom: Accuracy is the sum total of your compensating mistakes.
12. Porter's Principle: If a job does not go wrong -
(i) it will have to be redone.
(ii) it will have to be undone
(iii) it was the wrong job in the first place.
13. Phillips Law: The only changes that are adopted are changes for the worse.
14. Smith's Law: It is easier to seek forgiveness than to get permission.
15. Schmidt's Art Law: Sculpture is what you bump into when you take a step back to look at a painting. -
lame indeed.but i had a good time reading some of them..
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1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. He spoke with a wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who had gone blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without using one of those boxes with the pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without using one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
3. She grew on him, like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
6. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
7. The revelation that his 30-year marriage had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a bank surcharge at formerly surcharge-free ATM.
8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond, exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
9. McBride fell twelve storeys, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
10. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex & The City" comes on at 9pm instead of 9.30.
11. Her hair glistened in the rain, like nose hair after a sneeze.
12. The hailstones struck and leapt from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
13. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
14. Even in his later years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
15. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan might just work.
16. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating in a while.
17. "Oh Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a uni student on $1 beer night.
18. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land-mine or something.
19. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
20. He was so deeply in love with her that when she spoke he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
21. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
22. She walked into my office like a centipede that was missing 98 legs.
23. It hurt, like the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
24. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
25. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
26. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
27.The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
28. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
29. It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools. -
20 Fun Things To Do At A Drive-Thru
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow
employees have been called over to the window to
"check out the babe".
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane. -
Questions that have Confused humankind!!
a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"
a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"
a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?
a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!
a.. What do you call male ballerinas?
a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?
a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?
a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? -
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got time-out'ed for reading your lame jokes... and they are pretty lame enough.
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lol... some of them are funny.. more more more please