Our in-house astrologer Confuseus hands out his horoscopes for this Chinese New Year.
DOG: Good news! Since this is your year, you will be extremely attractive to the opposite sex. But the bad news is because youÂ’re a dog, they will express their attraction to you by sniffing your butt.
PIG: You will be making a big splash this year in a new business venture. Unfortunately, that business venture is a bak kut teh stall, and youÂ’ll be making the splash as a soup ingredient.
RAT: This year, all rats will ponder the ultimate rodent question: how come Mickey Mouse never takes off his gloves? Hmmm!
OX: Your friends have been telling you for years how full of bull you are. Well, this year you turn that into an asset by running for MP.
TIGER: ItÂ’s time. Time to stop pretending Jessica Alba will ever have anything to do with a sad old drunk like you, that is.
RABBIT: YouÂ’ll just have to face the facts. YouÂ’re not a were-rabbit like in that claymation movie. YouÂ’re just a weird rabbit.
DRAGON: Eh, not say I say what, but do something about your breath already!!! Note: if youÂ’re a dragon prince, better curb your wifeÂ’s spending.
SNAKE: If youÂ’re really into bags and shoes, congrats! This year youÂ’ll be made into them.
HORSE: Your job situation will improve greatly this year. I hear thereÂ’s a new employer in Singapore whoÂ’s looking specially for horses. In particular, the crazy type.
SHEEP: Can you tell your kid to stop following Mary around? ItÂ’s creepy! Wait she get restraining order on him, then you know!
MONKEY: Remember the saying, “Pay peanuts, get monkeys?” Well, aren’t you lucky to be living in Singapore where peanuts are worth a lot! Just don’t spend them on golden plumbing equipment.
ROOSTER: You may be a rooster, but thatÂ’s no reason to feel cocky. ItÂ’s a dirty habit and you might go blind if you continue.
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