In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity
and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The
mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
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Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.The wife decided to make a wish,too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
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Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
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Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : " Wife wanted".
Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine."
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.......
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A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
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"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."