Manuscript :Chapter 1
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Hi guys
Planning to write a novel based on love and how money makes the world go round
I have written the draft, hope you could give advice.
The main character is me and it is an idyllic day to day teenager's life in singapore
Love, unrequited
Rays of brilliant warm sunshine filtered into the almost junkyard garage that i called my own proudly.Grinning cheekily, i could only envisage what calamity could ensue when i turned on the towering amplifiers .
Since i had no luck with girls, bah"Girls were only money sucking creatures that like Jay chou ,Brad Pitt, Gerard Way"Since i had neither of this ,i gave up trying .Hopelessy wasting my resources was one thing.Approving this resources to be spent on them was plain stupidity.Pak-torlogy would be a subject i would fail anyway, if it was implemented in school.
"Yo Nicky, the amps ready, When do you want them turned on?' Danny called out above the momental humming as he plugged his Les Paul Jr into the amp
"Fuck it, wait a lil' while yea?" i was annoyed, yet half annoyed, half in ecstasy.
"Yo Nicky,we aint got all day, besides that lil punk sarah is inviting us again to her house."Jake cut in
"Fuck, im out of this invite i hate girls anyway" i cleared my throat in a sarcastic manner
"Awright, turn the fucking amps on and wait for my signal"Glee was overtaking.Hysteria was one thing more that i could handle
"Im not okay take 1"
The world was going into overdrive as the drum beats and shrill music notes mixed, shattering the cacophony of the peace seconds ago
"Well if you wanted honesty,thats alllllllllllllllll you had to say................." i screamed into the mike
"Fucking awesome amps that was! Jake counted out , rubbing his ears painfully.
"Aww darn, Sarah is calling again" Danny grimanced as he answered the call with much a pained expression
"Well fuck her, lets play into the handphone" Jake called out
With a cheeky expression Danny put the phone near the amp.
"As the firey red sunball subsided into the marshy clouds, i walked to the garage, with nothing but a mirror as company
Glancing at the guys, i bade the chumps goodbye as they peeled out in thier GT-R.
"Fucking nite without a fucking date, i screamed.I threw the pocket mirror i had after i viewed my own facial features, which were gross.
I could only gasp in surprise as a girl around my age walked into the driveway -
Originally posted by Shanghai_Grand:
U call this draft? No standard at all
Hi guys
Planning to write a novel based on love and how money makes the world go round
I have written the draft, hope you could give advice.
The main character is me and it is an idyllic day to day teenager's life in singapore
[b]
Love, unrequited
Rays of brilliant warm sunshine filtered into the almost junkyard garage that i called my own proudly.Grinning cheekily, i could only envisage what calamity could ensue when i turned on the towering amplifiers .
Since i had no luck with girls, bah"Girls were only money sucking creatures that like Jay chou ,Brad Pitt, Gerard Way"Since i had neither of this ,i gave up trying .Hopelessy wasting my resources was one thing.Approving this resources to be spent on them was plain stupidity.Pak-torlogy would be a subject i would fail anyway, if it was implemented in school.
"Yo Nicky, the amps ready, When do you want them turned on?' Danny called out above the momental humming as he plugged his Les Paul Jr into the amp
"Fuck it, wait a lil' while yea?" i was annoyed, yet half annoyed, half in ecstasy.
"Yo Nicky,we aint got all day, besides that lil punk sarah is inviting us again to her house."Jake cut in
"Fuck, im out of this invite i hate girls anyway" i cleared my throat in a sarcastic manner
"Awright, turn the fucking amps on and wait for my signal"Glee was overtaking.Hysteria was one thing more that i could handle
"Im not okay take 1"
The world was going into overdrive as the drum beats and shrill music notes mixed, shattering the cacophony of the peace seconds ago
"Well if you wanted honesty,thats alllllllllllllllll you had to say................." i screamed into the mike
"Fucking awesome amps that was! Jake counted out , rubbing his ears painfully.
"Aww darn, Sarah is calling again" Danny grimanced as he answered the call with much a pained expression
"Well fuck her, lets play into the handphone" Jake called out
With a cheeky expression Danny put the phone near the amp.
"As the firey red sunball subsided into the marshy clouds, i walked to the garage, with nothing but a mirror as company
Glancing at the guys, i bade the chumps goodbye as they peeled out in thier GT-R.
"Fucking nite without a fucking date, i screamed.I threw the pocket mirror i had after i viewed my own facial features, which were gross.
I could only gasp in surprise as a girl around my age walked into the driveway
[/b] -
well
this is my first time writing such novels, so i may be inexperienced
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eerr.... i tink u shd try something else.........
say.... how about pottery? -
u singaporean?? no singaporean speaks like this lei....
where's my ah, lah and lor
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trying to hab a little ghetto culture influenced to singapore ppl.
actually is the gang of 5(singaporeans) they went to America for studies, so that y
will ease out more details ltr -
Originally posted by Shanghai_Grand:
Hey TS, maybe can take a look at Yunhaier's short stories? Her stories are written very well, so you can grab some ideas/pointers from there.
Hi guys
Planning to write a novel based on love and how money makes the world go round
I have written the draft, hope you could give advice.
The main character is me and it is an idyllic day to day teenager's life in singapore
[b]
Love, unrequited
[/b]
I admire your aspirations to write, however, expect loads of criticism. (constructive ones of course)
Will constantly come to your thread to look at updates for your stories and give some suggestions.
Cheers
-
Love, unrequited , Chapter 2
"Why didnt you go to the party?" thundered Sarah."I got fucking worried when you didnt turn up"
"Well, i need a fucking time of my own, i got the fucking blues up my arsehole" i shot back
"Well, i can understand, you need me to keep ya company? The guys are back there" She pointed out Jake and the chumps walking groggily ,armed with chicks they got back from the party.
"Gawd, i reckon that Jake must have put some weed into the alcohol supply again"I shook my head.Giggling, Sarah slapped me on the back
'Yo Nicky wassup, i had this idea we couldnt continue without your fucking around with the mirror"Jake slumped down beside him, passing him back the broken fragments of the mirror
"Feelin down in the dumps" i mused."Well, until you guys came anyway.It was a fucking shock"
'Yo dude, lets jam up a fucking dance, well time to show off to chicks here anyway, they reckon we can continue the party here"Danny mused
"You fucking sick buddy? I got a goddamned neighbour, he'll screw up the cops "i thundered back
"Well fuck him, i gotta put some weed into his drink and he'll be dancing along to the music"Jake called out
Before i could stop him, Jake was already past the window , and putting some weed into the coffee .
He climbed out of the window and gave me a thumbs up, the old geezer had drunk the coffee .
"Alright folks, wait while i jazz up the amp"I cried out to the people
"Yo dude, lets fucking jam up a storm" Colin said.He got into his drum kit and beat up a few numbers
" The black Parade Take 1"I shouted into the mike
"The piano jazzed up the familiar tunes ;i glanced up, Mike was totally fucked up,his fingers were jazzing up and down the keyboard
"When i was, a young boy, my father , took me into the cityyyyyyyyyyyy" the crowd screamed.
'Awright peeps, You know what? Danny waved to the crowds"Lets have Nicky choose a fucking song he likes'
"Fuck yeah, we came here to cheer him up"Jake called out
"Yo Nicky, we aint got all nite ya?'Fucking hurry up"
"Alright guys.. I choose......
Famous Last words!
The party rocked out... as the slurred crowd blasted out. -
Love, unrequited , Chapter 3
"When I came home there was a man in my house, he had a mechanical arm." said Jake, clearly shaken.
"dude, what the fuk are you talking about?" Sarah asked, an incredulous look on her face.
"I DIDNT KILL MY WIFE!" Jake screamed, frothing at the mouth.
Nicky and Sarah was pale with concern, stunned at the sudden outburst, they could only utter "what...you didnt what?"
A dangerous glint appeared in Jake's eyes as he muttered, "are you suggesting that I killed my wife? how dare you."
"Jake what the fuk, this is creeping me out" Sarah said as she started inching away from Jake.
Jake chuckled hysterically, "yes, you crushed her head, and then I shot her, ahahaha"
at this sign both Nicky and Sarah bolted for the door.
"YOU FIND THIS MAN! THE MAN WITH THE MECHANICAL ARM!" Jake's insane voice echoed after them. -
Love, unrequited , Chapter 4
At the FBI headquarters. senior detective John received a electronic document.
"hmm, it appears we have a case of homicide, similar to a string of murders the past year." john said aloud to his assistant mary. " the victim is a female and the NYPD has investigated the scene, she suffered 2 gunshots to the sternum and one shot to the head, it is probably the same killer as before."
"As usual the police department is handing the case to us." Mary chuckled.
"yes, those noobs cant handle big cases like this, all they ever do is hand out parking tickets." John said as he opened up a folder, "I've been tracking this case for months, and I've been watching the latest victim for the past few weeks, I have good reason to believe that her husband Jake is the murderer."
"why would you think that?" asked Mary, if she was concerned at all, she didnt show it, she just wanted to do her job and go home.
"for money, of course." John said with a sneer.
"money? but it says here in your documentation that Jake comes from a rich family, heh heh. " Mary was unconvinced.
Used to Mary's attitude, John was not the least bit annoyed by her rudeness.
"Elementary, my dear Mary, she is richer." -
Love, unrequited , Chapter 5
"Jake, help me!"
"NOOO!!!"
"Jake, help! ahhhhh!!!"
"NO!!!!" Jake screamed and woke up from his dream. His bedsheets were drenched in his sweat, he was dreaming of his dead wife again.
The man, the one armed man, the murderer of his wife, his silhouette still vividly appearing in his mind . Jake was losing his mind, the murder of his beloved wife was too much to bear, he started sobbing.
"why is this happening?" Jake sobbed. His soft sobbing was suddenly and rudely drowned out by police sirens. There was a loud crash in his house, someone had broke down the door.
"THIS IS THE FBI!" screamed detective John, his handgun pointed at Jake.
"please help me, my wife was murdered, when I came home there was a man in my house, he had a..."
"shut the fuk up and put your hands where I can see them!" John screamed.
"are you suggesting that I killed my wife? how dare you." Jake replied in anger, he seems to be saying that alot the past few days, everyone seemed to think he murdered his wife. He had called the police but they didnt give him any answers, and now this, it was too much for him.
"THIS IS MADNESS!" Jake screamed in anguish.
"madness?" detective John said with a sneer.
"THIS IS SPARTA!!!!"
with a swift kick to the stomach John laid Jake low as he moved in to handcuff him.
"this is detective John, I have the situation under control, over." he said on his radio, but he was not prepared for what was coming.
with inhuman strength born from fury, Jake grabbed John's right hand and flipped his arm over, dropping his gun from his grip as he bent his arm.
"what the....suspect is resisting arrest!" John screamed into his radio. Being a seasoned detective, he was no novice to fighting, as the initial surprise died down, John did a sideways flip and loosened Jake's grip on his arm, as he delivered a sweeping kick to Jake's calf and brought him to the ground. John dashed for his fallen gun but Jake crept back up with incredible speed, an insane look on his face, an
kicked the gun away from John.
"I repeat, suspect is resisting arrest, need assistance!" John managed to say into his radio before a Round House Kick sent it flying out of the window. John managed to dodge the kick in time but Jake came on again with a tornado kick.
"whoa are you fuking kidding me, you pulling a 540 on me?" John was impressed and angry at the same time as he landed on his back from the kick. Jake moved to pick up the gun and pointed it at John, who raised up his hands.
"Do not shoot! I'm the FBI! you fool!" John threatened.
"I did not kill my wife!" Jake screamed in anguish. At this moment more footsteps sounded at his house. Jake realized what was happening, he was going to be arrested. with only a few seconds to think, he jumped out of the window of his 2 storey house.
"He went out the window, release the hounds!" shouted detective John.
Just then, a huge explosion lit up the nigh sky. and all went black for John. -
Love, unrequited , Chapter 6
The city is emotionless, traffic speeds by the city streets, an infinite number of lights dot up the impenetrable darkness that is the night, appearing as if a giant maw of darkness is consuming the feeble attempts to light up the black void. The innumerable buildings Ominously lining up the city streets at the only things that looks on at the passers by with sympathy. Tonight someone would be leaving the city. Jake drove past numerous firetrucks and police cars he figured was heading for the direction of the explosion, luckily non of them noticed him, intent on getting to the scene.
"ouch what the bloody hell happened." John rubbed his aching head as he woke up from his coma, the last thing he remembered was a huge explosion leveling the house and sending him flying. "my head hurts so much that its as if I read a whole paragraph of meaningless metaphors, holy shit." As his vision managed to focus, he realized that the entire FBI squad who came with him for assistance was dead in the explosion. "You will pay for this Jake, I swear." John said through clenched teeth.
Back at the FBI headquarters, the scene was chaotic, almost every agent was frantically keying in data or retrieving information.
"we have a fugitive on the run, he has murdered an entire FBI team, mobilize all available resources, Mary I want a list of all the locations Jake has lived in in the past 10 years, the rest of you issue a emergency code alert to all airports for the detainment of the suspect when his passport shows up anywhere in this country. I want him caught!." Senior FBI agent john ordered. -
i think gardening will suit youOriginally posted by FireIce:eerr.... i tink u shd try something else.........
say.... how about pottery? -
There are some stories which are meant to be shared to the world, read by generations but this is not it.