I noe the topic's Women, but it's kinda unbalanced, meaning, there's no jokes about men!! So to keep the ying-yang well balanced, here's some inventory of men's jokes
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What is a woman's wildest, raunchiest, dirtiest, sleaziest sexual fantasy
ever?
A man who thinks
Why is it the only time a man is smart is when he is having sex?
Because he is plugged into a woman!
Man: Great idea, bad design.
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or too
small.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
Men don't care what's on TV
Men only care what else is on TV (Seinfeld)
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men -
Strong, Caring, Loving
- They'd be wrong - but you could still use them.
Answering that age old question, "Why Didn't He Call?":
*******************************************************
(unknown origin)
Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental
condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get
Attached to a Woman, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be
Having More Fun Than You. This is why all married guys as assume
that all Unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement
involving hot tubs full of naked international fashion models
(This is True); whereas in fact for most unmarried guys, the
climax of the typical evening is watching an infomercial for
Hair-in-a-Spray can while eating onion dip straight from the
container. (This is also true of married guys, although
statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.)
So guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments, or even
to take any steps that might lead to commitment. This is why,
when a guy goes out on a date with a woman and finds himself
really liking her, he often will demonstrate his affection by
avoiding her for the rest of his life.
Women are puzzled by this, "I don't understand," they say,
"We had such a great time! Why doesn't he call?"
The reason is that the guy, using the linear guy thought process,
has realised that if he takes her out again, he'll probably like
her even more, so he'll take her out again, and eventually they'll
fall in love with each other, and they'll get married, and they'll
have children, and then they'll have grandchildren, and eventually
they'll retire and take a trip around the world, and they'll be
walking hand-in-hand on some spectacular beach in the South Pacific,
reminiscing about the lifetime of experiences they've shared together,
and then several naked international fashion models will walk up and
invite him to join them in a hot tub, and he won't be able to do it
because he is married.
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and
smacks! him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He says, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue'
written on it."
He says, "Jesus, honey...remember last week when I went to the track?
'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him
and smacks! him on the back of the head with the frying pan again.
He says, "What was that for?"
She says, "Your horse called."
*******
Nature has many laws that hold fast and true. For example, a baby ape
will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become
an adult baboon. A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig. A baby
jackass will always become a jackass. A puppy quickly matures into a
dog; a mongrel pup develops into a cur.
Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of
these.!
***********
One day, the Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," the Lord
said. Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well, give me
the good news first." Smiling, the Lord explained, "I've
got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will
allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have
intelligent conversations with Eve."The other organ I have
for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical
pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent
life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy
that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam,
very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts that You
have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after
such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and
said with great sorrow, ...........
"You will never be able to use these
two gifts at the same time."
*****
Are you her dream man?
HERE'S HOW THE SCORING WORKS
1) SIMPLE DUTIES
You offer to go out to buy groceries so she can watch
"Friends" 0
While you are out, you decide to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her cat: -10
2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8
3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make
conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the
television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football
in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15
4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and
your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
4:1) HER BIRTHDAY
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You are late from work and call her so she won't worry 0
You call to tell her you are late and that you love her +10
You call her to say you are late because you know if you don't,
you'll sleep on the couch -10
You call to tell her that you slept at Wayne's -30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Detroit: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200
7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go to see a movie +15
it's not an with 6 car chases and 3 shootouts +25
and it's with one of the following actors:
Michael Biehn/ Mel Gibson / Matthew Fox +30
Brad Pitt/ Keanu Reeves / Dennis Quaid / Val Kilmer +50
All of the above +500
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You ask for directions +20 (are you cheating? you aren't
really a guy, are you?)
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned
expression:+20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
television:+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10
BONUS: You forward her URL's of funny webpages (www.menjokes.com!) with
love notes attached: + 100
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World's Worst Love Letter
************************
Dear Bertha,
I lack the bravery and endurance requisite to face you with my feelings,
so I am writing this letter to you in the hopes that you can read it.
I remember the first time I saw you. I don't know if I was attracted to
you because of your radiant personality, your sunny disposition, or your
gravitational pull. All I know is that once I got close to you, as much as
I wanted to, I couldn't leave.
And I think back to some of the trials and tribulations in our
relationship. Like that time you tried on that thong bikinni you said you
would look terrible in. I'm truely impressed by the bravery it took to
even try it in light of how right you were.
And I know it makes you uncomfortable that I sometimes hang out with your
ex, but your cousin and I hardly ever discuss you and when we do, it is
always positive.
Every day while I am working in the sewage treatment plant, all I can
think of is you. When I found that ring I gave to you floating through, I
knew it must have been divine intervention that had kept us together so
long.
When I talk to my friends about you, they all agree, you're "a whole lot
of woman". I couldn't have said it better myself.
With what I think is probably love,
Bryant
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[This message has been edited by chong77 (edited 06 May 2000).]
