Recently, I came across this post "have i been friendzoned?" by some dude who calls himself TroubledTeen. See: http://www.sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/456171
I have no female friends (excepting those who serve me drinks or those few wives/girlfriends of my male friends who don't hate every fiber of my being) so I had no idea what TroubledTeen was talking about. So I asked my dear friend Reuben "The fuck is the friendzone?"
His response: "One enters the friendzone when one works on a girl too long and doesn't actually close the deal in a timely fashion. The woman comes to see the man as a friend and then claims that the two are too good of friends to date."
Hmm...never been there. Jesus may love me. My mom thinks I’m great. But everyone else…well, they think I’m a dick. For whatever reason, I get the women and you fuckers don't. I thought both long and hard about this topic, couldn't figure a damn thing out, then called an ex-girlfriend to find out why I've never entered the friendzone. And so, without any more of that painful ado, I offer you SEVEN reasons / behaviours that have kept me out of the dreaded friend zone according to one of my exes, who asked to be called Leticia for the purpose of this post. (don't ask me why).
This is for all the 'nice' guys out there, not solely TroubledTeen. We all know you are not a nice guy, we men just want to have sex.
1. Everything's A Joke To Me.
According to Leticia, girls want to confide in their friends, to be able to share their pain and suffering without being judged and receive sympathy or empathy for their troubled situations. I don't do any of that.
"You make jokes about any problems that aren't yours. It's like the whole damn world is just some comedy sketch you get to critique. And when not joking, it's obvious you aren't even listening."
So dicks, that's the first thing you need to do: stop giving a shit and start making jokes. Women may laugh, but they certainly will not come to you for advice.
2. Don't Treat Women Like They Are Special.
Seriously, just don’t treat women like they’re special, and they will respect you for it. Hot women are used to men putting them on pedestals and worshipping their wet crotches. It drives them nuts. When they say something stupid, they want you to call them on it. When they screw up, they don’t want to be forgiven right away. They want to be screamed at (and possibly spanked). In this way, you are treating them like equals (which they seem to want men to do—most of the time, anyway.)
And because you’re not bullshitting them, they understand your honest opinion of them and of the world around them, thus shrinking the first six months of the relationship into a few weeks and allowing you to go straight into getting to know one another. For whatever reason, not treating women like they’re special makes them feel special.
If you think that’s confusing, all I can say is, strap yourself in. It gets worse.
3. Treat Women Like They’re Special In Bed
And by that I mean, fuck the holy hell out of them until they are half blind and drooling on an almost nightly basis, and they will never leave you. Women have put up with centuries of oppression, rape, and harassment, so if you think a woman would leave a great lay just because he occasionally forgets to return phone calls, well, you’re just fucking crazy. If you’re wondering where the joke is in this paragraph, all I can tell you is, I don’t need one. That’s how true this is.
4. You Intend To Date Them And Care Too Much.
You focus all of your attention on the opposite sex, going through all the trouble of introducing yourself, lying about your background and education. Every time you get serious about a woman, you show up at her house with flowers and chocolates, wears nice clothes and donning expensive cologne. This is all well and good if you live in fantasy land, but I live in a world where two people eating dinner is just that: a freaking meal. Dating is stupid; it puts undue stress on two people who are already working hard to talk themselves out of (or into) sleeping with each other. I have heard my friend say lines like, “She and I didn’t connect” and “I didn’t think Sheila and I were made for each other.” Chicks want to be chicks, not DATE chicks (except for, you know, some of the more open minded chicks). I, on the other hand, am very insensitive. I often insult women while complimenting them (for example, I once told a chick she had a sexy gut and she was offended by the use of the word gut—women, can’t live with them, can’t compliment their guts) and I never seem to remember anything important like their names.
5. Be Modest
Look, I know I’m great, but I never tell anyone because everyone already thinks I’m a dick. Don’t flaunt accomplishments or act like anything is a big deal. She just had a multiple orgasm and wants to tell you how great you are? All you need to do is say, “No, babe. You’re great.” And then it’s MIOTV soccer time. It really is that easy.
No matter what you do for a living or what you say, women are not impressed. Women are only impressed by physical beauty, money, gifts, and orgasms. So, don’t drone on endlessly about how great you are at what you do for a living or whatever the hell your major is. Girls simply don’t care. They want men of action, not men of words. So, jerks, be modest.
6. Be Cocky
I told you this was gonna get complicated. Right now, you’re probably asking yourself, “How in the hell am I supposed to be cocky and modest at the same time?” Well, you’re lucky I’m here because I can tell you the answer to that question: you need to be modest with your words and cocky with your attitude.
For example, if a chick tells you she thinks you’re sexy, the cocky answer would be, “I know.” That may turn some women on, but it will turn many women off. The modest answer is, “Thank you,” with a look on your face that says, “Like I give a shit what you think.” Perfecting this look can take time. It really is easier to pull this off if you truly don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. In this way, I have a bit of an advantage. (Hey, I never said this was easy.)
Women love cocky men because men who are sure of themselves are winners, and every woman wants a man who will eventually win them some bread. But girls certainly don’t want to hear guys talking about how great they are all the time. Actually, I don’t think anyone wants to hear anyone talking about how great they are, but I digress. If you take anything away from this paragraph it should be this: you know you’re the best, so you have no need to tell anyone about it. If you don’t think you’re great, you have self-esteem issues and this post isn't for you.
7. You Have A Small Penis.
This, however, is totally your problem. There's nothing you can do, except maybe...go be a monk.
No need to thank me for this.
Leticia, however, would like a few dollars.
lol..
I thought its a "take it or leave it" cause there are many other girls out there that needs some of that lovin' ... he he