When I see couples with their love ones together, I envy, whenever people ask me what is love? Have I ever met someone I love or do I ever experience true love, I would say I have a true love once, and it goes like this :-
I am just an ordinary guy in my early twenties, I am a conservative and cautious person where love is concern, I had a girlfriend who was about the same age as me, everything was fine until this girl came into my life...
Let's call her Joey. Joey was a ordinary looking girl and was a few years my junior. She was very lively, cheerful and fun loving, the type of so called "sunshine girl" that would be ideal girlfriend for most guys but not me. I always look upon her as a very shrew and easy girl because of her amiable character .
Beside I am already attached, why confused myself with another girl who I think might have more than one boyfriends with her all the time. So whenever I was with her, I will distanced her mentally and emotionally because I don't want to get myself burnt by her.
Of course she was still good to me despite knowing I am attached, I began to have this feeling that she likes me, to think that I am actually in such a great demand ! I began to feel proud with myself, physically and mentally, boasting to my friends, although they make no comments, I can tell from their eyes that they were jealous, their heart filled with envy.
Joey would called me now and then and we would always go out together ,actually I enjoy her company too, what I can say was I treat it as a form of leisure. I am very certain and told myself, she was only a friend to me and nothing else just because I am attached and she knew it ! If she is still fond of me, it can't be help.
Although she never express to me her feeling before, I just knew confidently that she likes me, hence I often compare my girlfriend with her and critisied her.
To me I treat it as a comment and I don't think she will feel bad, awful or embarrassed because she don't seems to bother with my remarks at all and gave me a silly wide grin instead. So she was unserious and uninterested in what I say! Of course that certainly
convinced me she just treat me like one of her boyfriends and I dare not put too much of my feelings too. So life continues and this goes on and years passed so quickly before we even realised.
Then one day, I realised that she hadn't called me for weeks. I began to panicked. What is there to panick? You may ask, well, what I mean by panick is not I am scared but I have the kind of fear that I am afraid I will be losing her, everytime I want to pick up the phone, I just don't have the courage to call her, perhaps it was my ego, she used to call me, I was in great demand, I can still have my girlfriend to call thinking she was throwing tantrums at me, why should I initiate. Why will she be angry when she likes me in the first place? Better still, so I can concentrate on my girlfriend, I convinced myself.
My ego stood me for about two months that I finally melted down because somehow,deep inside I missed her, maybe, something has happened to her that discontiuned her daily routine, persuading myself with valid reasons to suppress my ego inorder just to give her a call.
The person who pick up the call was her mother, "h..ellooo.."? I stumbled, fearing her mother knew who I am.
"Yes, who are you looking for?" she reply in mandarin".
"Joey please" I answered.
"Joey? She has gone abroad to further her studies one month ago! Are you her friend? How come you don't know?"
The news struck me. She didn't even bother to tell me
about her trip, I thought we were so closed and she was fond of me all the while. Why did she leave without a word?
"hello...?" came the voice from the other end that interrupt my thought "yes, I am listening..." I replied.
"do you know someone by the name of Steve?"
"yes.....I...am." I stumbled once again.
" she left a letter for you the night before she set off, can you come and collect? "
When I got the letter from her, it read,
"Hi Steve, I did not tell you about my decision to further my studies because I don't know what you treat me as.
I afraid you will cause me to abandon my thought to the
States, wasting my parents hard earned money and continue living a meaningless life as someone you have been taken for granted.
It took me so long to make this decision because I couldn't bear to leave you. But there is nothing much more I can do to salvage the situation since you did not make any effort.
The reason I did not tell you I am fond of you is because I don't want to put you in a difficult position understanding your present situation. But by being so considerate is as good as killing myself, I suffer all the grievance and anger in the end without you
realising. You always give me this feeling that you will leave me one day, and I hate to feel that way.
Seeing couples together makes me so envious and depresses my moral wondering who your mind is always with. Words that you say hurts me yet I have to put a strong front because I don't have anyone to fall back on. What I want you to know is I am only just an ordinary girl having normal feelings like others do.
Please spare a thought for me, I hope I am making a
right decision to stay away for a while, maybe if we are fated to meet again someday, we will be together, last of all, there is something I have always wanting to say and have no courage, I hope that it is not too late, " I still love you".
Take Care,
Joey
Upon reading that letter, I felt the sharp pain in my heart, she makes me realised that I am fond of her all this while, it was a fact that I refused to admit. She was right, I have taken her for granted all this while. She was a great person to be with actually, the feeling with her was so different, it can't be found in anyone, not even my girlfriend. I shouldn't have treated her so distantly.
